The Scores:

The Cover
This is the first thing you see in a record store. Does the cover makes your nuts dance? Does it part your butt hair? Does it make sense? Does it relate to the CD title? That's what we'll let you know.
1 = Generic as fuck. Probably looks like a computer printout.
2 = This sucks. Who's kidding who?
3 = Unoriginal and boring.
4 = Not quite average, but a little bit of thought went into it. A little.
5 = Since this is 5, that means it's average stupid ass. What else would a 5 out of 10 mean?
6 = Decent.
7 = This is cool. It's thought out and makes sense.
8 = This looks really good and professional.
9 = Almost perfect!
10 = A perfect cover. Probably contains nudity or something vulgar. We enjoy that shit. This is rare though.

The Booklet
Is their lyrics? Photos? Credits? Is it easy to read? Is there cool shit to look at? Here is how we'll rate the booklets.
1 = A one page panel or something probably made by Perris Records.
2 = Probably some cheap, black & white crap not worth pissing on.
3 = The typical booklet a local band would do.
4 = Almost average, but not quite.
5 = Typical shit with lyrics, thanks, and maybe a photo.
6 = A bit above average, nothing too exciting, but not bad.
7 = Better than 6!
8 = Not as good as 9!
9 = A high quality booklet worth some money and thought put into it.
10 = A totally devestating booklet the probably features profanity, nudity, or all sorts of colorful shit. Well worth the price of the CD just to see. A Metal Sludge mention also gets an automatic 10.

The Songs
Probably the most important part of a CD, don't you think?
1 = You'd rather have Mike Tyson punch you in the genitals repeatedly than listen to this piece of shit.
2 = If you were to try and sell this to a used CD store, they'd slap the lips off your face, belly-to-belly suplex you through 2 flaming tables covered in thumbtacks, twist both your nipples counter clockwise, and then give you a flying reverse upside down DDT into a barrel of broken glass.
3 = This is a CD you'll hide from your friends so they don't see it in your CD collection.
4 = Not worth buying, but if you can steal it, what the hell.  Use it for a beer coaster when you're done listening to it.
5 = After a week of listening to this, you'll get bored with it and move on.
6 = Good enough to listen to for a few weeks to a month.
7 = This is cool.
8 = The bomb diggity!
9 = You'll probably play this again and again like a retard until your friends get really sick and tired of listening to it and break your CD player. 
10 = These albums will blow your face off and you’ll end up looking like Sloth from the Goonies.  Nuff said.

AEROSMITH TRIBUTE ALBUM - "Not The Same Old Song And Dance"
by Ozzy Stillbourne

Cover:  6 Cows out of 10. 
Has a picture of some cows with nose rings.  Even the cows of today are following the trends.  Very "Get A Grip" era Aerosmith.  But there are no "Get A Grip" songs on this CD.  Guess they couldn't think of anything else to put on the cover.

Booklet:  4 Cows out of 10. 
The booklet is very basic, just listing all the credit, who wasted their time and played on what song, etc.

Songs:  5 Cows out of 10. 
None of these songs suck, but none of them are really great.  Just straight covers, and none of them are as good as the originals.  The album has Mark Slaughter (who let him in the studio), Ted Nugent, Vince Neil, Mickey Thomas (who the fuck is that?), Jack Blades/Tommy Shaw (I think these 2 are married to each other), Ronnie James Dio (he must have stood on some phone books to reach the mics), Fee Waybill (who the fuck is this?), Jeff Keith, Jack Russell, Jani Lane, and Stephen Pearcy (who invited him?) singing the songs.  Wow, Mark Slaughter, Vince Neil, and Stephen Pearcy all on one CD.  How lucky can you get?  Actually, everyone basically does a good job at singing these songs, but no track really stands out above the others.  I think "Rag Doll" sung by Nugent is one of the weaker tracks on the CD.  Jeff Keith does a pretty good at "Draw The Line", and I hate to say it, but I like Vince singing "Chip Away The Stone."  I must be losing it.

Comments:  This is just another Cleopatra CD that is just trying to fucking cash in on some old songs.  

ATTRACTION - "Get Up 'N' Shake"
by Dick Encyder

Attraction review preface: A couple of fine page visitors have written in expressing their displeasure regarding the bands that I have chosen to review.   One writer specifically listed Stuart Smith and Savannah as examples of 'who the hell are these guys/what the fuck are they doing on your website' type bands as examples.  I'm just trying to get out there and find music in the same vein as your 80's type bands that are actually putting out music still in the year 2000.  You can sit around a bitch and moan about how MTV won't play your Warrants and Slaughter and other 80's acts or you can get your sorry ass up and go find the music you used to love.  It won't bother me if you'd rather hop on the Korn and Limp Bizkit bandwagon, or find some shit out there that reminds you of the better days when you had hair and you could see your shoes you fat fuck…I mean shit.  Look at your gut.  I'm trying to do you a service here by finding an 80's sound from bands that aren't out of print and generally have a bit of talent to boot.  Put it on while enjoying a summer day, crack PBR Dry, and kick back.  Relax you moody bastards!

Normally, Metal Sludge would require a band like Attraction to submit their shit to the 'Rock On The Decline' section.  However, this band did something that makes them exempt to this type of scrutiny.  Because they took steps above and beyond a normal up and coming band on the rise/fall, they have been exempted from this step, regardless of whether or not they have a record deal.  I'll explain that a bit later in the review.

I'll be reviewing this particular release on a scale of 'Time Machines'.  Mostly because somebody forgot to tell these guys the 80's are over.

Cover:  3 Time Machines out of 10. 
Totally gay and confusing cover.  It took me an hour to figure out it was a marquis.  And it's crooked to boot.

Booklet:  10 Time Machines out of 10. 
Not only do you get your everyday photos of the band members (with full hair and of course a 'Rip Magazine' T-shirt), but if you look about four lines down in the 'Special Thanks' section you'll see one particular thing jump out at you.  Special Thanks to 'METAL SLUDGE, YOU GUYS RULE!'.  Now that's how you get your shit on the website if you’re an independent band!  Just throw us in the credits and you're in!

Songs:  6 Time Machines out of 10. 
This is your basic big harmonies, fun, catchy hooks filled cock rock that we all used to know and love about the time of your Wingers and Warrants.  I have only one gripe.  Song #3, 'More Than You'll Ever Know' is the most annoying ballad I have ever heard.  Let me give you guys some advice.  The trick to pulling off a hard rock ballad is to say 'I Love You' without saying it.  You guys sound like your begging for some strange on that track and it comes off as just plain sad and feeble.

Comments:  To sum up.  A pretty decent hard rock release for an independent.  Chance of getting signed to Z Records a little better than getting signed to Spitfire.  I got my copy at http://www.aorheaven.com or you can check them out first at http://www.kivelrecords.com .  I'm outta here.  I had Mexican food last night and now I have to go release some hostages, if you know what I mean.

SEBASTIAN BACH AND HIS FRIENDS - "Bring 'Em Back Alive"
by Taime "Sex" Slaughter

Cover:  This is perhaps one of the most generic covers I've ever set eyes on. The picture of Sebastian is very average at best. A single photo of him bordered by a lame wood grain type frame.  3 out of 10 tattoos because that's about all you see.

Booklet:  A full 10 page booklet most of which is a cartoon. Also a few inserts of cracker jack style tattoos. The same ones which cover Bach's arms, very cool idea. There is also some lyrics, artwork (by Sebastian's dad I presume) and once again some real lame photos.  The photos look like they were taken in somebody's backyard.  What is this, Robin Hood?  2 out of 10 glitter jackets because both Bach and his bald bigfoot guitarist are wearing them in every photo.

Songs:  A total of 17 songs the majority of which are live and sound pretty decent. The few new tunes are very bland when compared to the likes of such stand out hits like "18 & life," "Monkey Business" or "Youth Gone Wild".  4 out of 10 demos.  Just what the 4 new songs should be, demos.

Comments:  Skid Row was a great band but the new hacks who make up this solo project are mostly bar band rejects from the east coast. Sebastian is still a total star without a doubt. However his insisting on screaming bloody murder on every song, trying to be as heavy as Pantera and then wearing glitter clothes and make up leaves a few questions. Which way are you going buddy? Make up your mind and not your face.  You look cooler than most 80s singers without the glitter and make up shit anyway.

BANG TANGO - "Greatest Tricks"
by Freelance Reporter Kip Tramp

Cover:  2 tricks out of 10. 
The cover sucks. It just has the band's "logo" on it. Speaking of their "logo," I'd like to know why the hell they went with an iron cross. Talk about a generic, unimaginative and completely inappropriate logo. When I see an iron cross, images of Nazi war medals...and Nikki Sixx...come to mind, not
Bang Tango.

Booklet:  2 tricks out of 10. 
Open up the two panel "booklet" and your eyes get to feast on a poorly done collage of Kyle and Joe live shots. That's it, nothing else. Typical Cleopatra lets-fuck-the-die-hard-fans-one-more-time crap.

Songs:  2 tricks out of 10.
This is Bang Tango's version of "Latest and Greatest," and it's also their swan song. The main problem with this disc is that the track selection is terrible. What the fuck were they thinking? The best work Bang Tango ever did was on "Psycho Cafe" and there are only 2 songs from that disc on this compilation.

Comments:  Getting their few remaining fans to buy this CD is Bang Tango's greatest trick. Fuck them.

BIOHAZARD - "New World Disorder"
by Ozzy Stillbourne

Cover:  7 Toxic Waste Barrels out of 10. 
The cover shows all sorts of shit.  I don't really remember what was on it because I looked at the cover in a record store.  I do remember saying, "It's a 7", so that's what it gets.

Booklet:  5 Toxic Waste Barrels out of 10. 
I have no idea what the booklet is all about cause this is another one of those fucking promo CDs that I get.  All I have is the CD but by looking at the cover, I'd have to assume the booklet is at least a 5.  

Songs:  5 Toxic Waste Barrels out of 10. 
Some of the riffs and shit are cool, but I got bored after a while.  I think this is the type of album you only listen to a little bit at a time.  But if your having a party and you want people to mosh and break shit in your house, then I'd highly recommend it!

Comments:  I wouldn't really recommend this CD unless your already a Biohazard fan.  I got it for freeso it's not like I paid for it.  This isn't going to win them any new fans.  It's ok but it isn't anything I want to jack off over.

BLACK LABEL SOCIETY - "Sonic Brew"
by Jani Bon Neil

Cover:  8 Beers out of 10. 
It looks like a beer bottle.  How much more can you say? 

Booklet:  9 Beers out of 10. 
Each song is described with plenty of profanity, Metal Sludge style, so I have to give it a 9 just because Fuck is used like 50 times.  The words pussy, dickhead, motherfucker, shit, ass, fucking nuts and 'blow big dick' are also used throughout the booklet.  The only reason it didn't get a perfect 10 is cause they were missing naked chicks.  If it had a few naked chicks, it would have easily gotten a 10. 

Songs:  9 Beers out of 10. 
There are some very wicked guitar riffs that will flip your wig right off your head.  You'll end up looking like Goldberg when you done listening to this, but only skinny and feeble.

Comments:  As with all of Zakk Wylde's shit, this is work picking up. Too bad he gave us such a lame 20 Questions.

BLOODHOUND GANG - "Hooray For Boobies"
by bastard boy floyd

Cover:  9 Love Pillows out of 10.  
The cover shows a variety of things that look like boobs, from real boobs, to pies, to statues, to medical charts, etc, and the BHG all have party hats on.  Cool enough for me.

Booklet:  9 Hooters out of 10. 
The only thing missing in this booklet is a picture of actual boobs.  If they had some actual topless chicks, this would have gotten a 10.  They have several little drawings on how to give yourself a breast exam, but no real pics.  The credits are hilarious, cause instead of saying who wrote the music, it says stuff like "Thinks This Is Music:  Jimmy Pop", "Vocals By Marlboro: Jimmy Pop", "Devils Six String Delight: Lupus Thunder", "Wicky Wicky Whacks: DJ Q-Ball", and shit like that.  It has the similar thing with how the record was recorded, like "Guy Who Owns The Studio: Jeff Stillman", "Head Knob Fiddler: Raahu as Richard Gavalis", and silly shit like that.  All the lyrics are included, which helps out cause some of Jimmy Pop's raps are rather fast, and being an idiot like myself, I need the lyrics to follow along.  There is way more creativity in this booklet alone than all of Slaughter's albums combined. 

Songs:  10 Sacks of Fat out of 10. 
Any album that has a song called "The Ballad Of Chasey Lain" and talks about eating her ass automatically deserves 10 out of 10.  In the song "Mope", there are some killer samples including "For Whom The Bells Tolls" by Metallica and even Frankie Goes To Hollywood.  The lyrics for all these songs are all brilliant, and there is some really funny shit.  If you're into Metal Sludge type humor, and you must be cause you're wasting your life reading this, then you should enjoy this CD.  They also have a song called "A Lap Dance Is So Much Better When The Stripper Is Crying" which sounds like it was recorded with a Casio keyboard.  "Three Point One Four" is a song that sings about piss curtains, otherwise known as the vagina.  There are some cool old school metal riffs on this album, along with all the latest fancy ass technology.  Fuck, I'm not a musician, but I know this is good shit and it has excellent production.  

Comments:  This album was originally suppose to already be out, but Pink Floyd had a problem with the song "Right Turn Clyde" and are making them take it off the album.  The chorus for "Right Turn Clyde" goes like this:
"All In All Your Just Another Dick With No Balls"
instead of
"All In All It's Just Another Brick In The Wall."
So Pink Floyd must be a bunch of uptight dicks who take themselves too seriously.  I can understand, considering they haven't had a hit song in like 20 years, the most press they've gotten recently is about The Wizard Of Oz, and all they are known for now is cheesy laser light shows at your local Planetarium.  Anyways, who knows when this will come out, but just so you know, I have the original version with Right Turn Clyde.  I could probably go on Ebay and sell it for enough cash to buy me a years worth of porn, or an entire trailer park, but that would be the smart thing to do.  Instead, I'll just keep it and brag to people that I have the version hardly no one else has.  

Follow up:  Since I wrote that, the album has been released with "Right Turn Clyde" because Pink Floyd ended up letting them use the song after all, so disregard everything I said about them.  However, I no longer have a rare version of the CD, so I should have fucking sold it for $100 when I had the chance.  Somebody shoot me.

BUCKCHERRY - "Buckcherry"
by Duff "Rose" McKegstand (freelance reporter)

Cover:  8 Lines out of 10.
It's a fold-out cover that displays a really hot, naked, tattooed chick. It only gets 8 Lines because the picture gets dark around the area of the chick's crotch. Sounds to me like someone's sucking Wal-Mart's dick....

Booklet:  6 Lines out of 10.
The layout is done very professionally. The lyrics, however, are incomplete. What the fuck is this? "Nevermind?" Just print the fucking lyrics and quit trying to be chic. The thank you list is way too long for a debut album. Chances are they don't even know as many people as they thanked. The band photo is alright except for the fact that singer Joshua Todd has to show is anemic torso. Your song's on MTV—get yourself something to eat already!

Songs:  9 Lines out of 10. 
You've heard the song "Lit Up" on the radio or seen the video on MTV. Every KISS fan you know has told you it's a blatant rip-off of "Shock Me." Do me a favor and tell them to shut up. All these silly allegations of Buckcherry plagiarizing KISS only detract from the fact that they steal equally as much, if not more, from AC/DC. Despite the band members not having an original bone in their bodies (which is why they don't get 10 points), this album kicks Vince Neil's old, fat ass from start to finish. Not only are the rockers just exploding with energy, these guys have a real knack for writing exceptionally catchy ballads. In fact, if Josh could sing semi-coherently, you'd want to shout along to most of these songs.

Comments:  You know the name, you've heard the hype.  So exactly who the fuck is Buckcherry and what do they want?  Well, they're not from Las Vegas and they're on a major label, so obviously they don't want you to pay for their tour bus. Well, the reason you know about them is that in addition to having Dreamworks Records' promotional budget, their A&R rep is Michael Goldstone. He's the one 80's A&R dude (besides John Kalodner) who hasn't been relegated to pimping for CMC International or flipping Whoppers at Burger King (or both if CMC's artists' sales are anything to go by). Now you know....
The songs about drugs and chicks (including the anthemic chorus of "Lit Up," "I love the cocaine, I love the cocaine!") go to show that Buckcherry, far from being the writer of "Johnny B. Goode," are the first mainstream band to come out in 8 years whose members will fatally OD while enjoying themselves rather than while lamenting the woes of life.

CINDERELLA - "Live At The Key Club"
by Jani Bon Neil

Cover:  4 Gypsy's out of 10. 
4 is probably being generous, but what the fuck, it's a live album, and most live albums don't have the best covers.  It's good enough.

Booklet: 2 Gypsy's out of 10. 
Not a picture to be found and just minimum credits.  It's gets a 2 because the booklet only has 2 pages and lots of empty space.

Songs: 8 Gypsy's out of 10. 
The songs sound really good and tight.  They play all their classic songs, and even if Tom's voice irritates you, you'll still have to admit they sound pretty good.

Comments:  They make a point in the booklet to say that this album is completely live with no overdubs, and it sounds that way.  They pull everything off and it sounds perfect.  If you're a Cinderella fan, you'll definitely be into this.

CHLORINE - "Primer"
by Donna Anderson

Cover:  4 Pools out of 10. 
This looks like a motorcycle engine.  The cover is blue.  Not very exciting, but it's better than an Enuff Z'Nuff cover.

Booklet:  5 Pools out of 10. 
This is basically a few pages which has the lyrics and a picture.  Everything is in black and blue with some motorcycle shit in the background.  I like the furry coat singer Mark Fain is wearing on the back photo!  I have something similar to that.  But the fly glasses have to go!

Songs:  8 Pools out of 10. 
All the songs on this album sound very rock radio friendly.  They sound just like what you would hear if you turned on your radio now.  The lead off track on the CD is "Way Out" which had some success, but that was about it.  A lot of these songs sort of sound similar to each other, but it's a fun listen.  There is some heavier stuff like "Gravity" and "Disappear", but they still maintain their catchy elements.  

Comments:   I think somebody at their label or management dropped the ball, because these guys should have had more success.  If 3 Doors Down can have success, so should these guys!  If you are into catchy, radio friendly rock, you should check out this CD. 

DANGEROUS TOYS - "Vitamins And Crash Helmets Tour, Greatest Hits Live"
by bastard boy floyd

Cover:  8 Toys out of 10. 
The cover is typical Dangerous Toys with an evil looking clown.  This time the clown is sitting on a throne.  It's a good drawing, and it's even better when you open up the booklet.

Booklet:  10 Toys out of 10. 
The booklet folds out into 4 panels, and when you open it up, it shows the clown sitting on the throne with 3 naked bitches at his feet!!  You get tits and 2 bare asses!  Sure, it's a cartoon, but it's look pretty fucking good.  There is some little purple demon guy with a stick who looks like he's going to start poking the chicks in the ass with it.  The chicks have no eyeballs though, so that's even better.  Blind naked chicks!  If you can't score with blind naked chicks, then you might as well go gay.  Somebody told me if I flip over the foldout to the other side there is a college of DT pictures, thanks, and shit like that, but why would I want to do that?  10 out of 10 as far as I'm concerned!

Songs:  6 Toys out of 10. 
This is a real live album with no studio overdubs or any shit that Slaughter or Kiss would try to pull.  The first 7 tracks are from a Westwood One broadcast from 1989.  The other 11 songs are soundboard tapes and various things like that.  The quality in parts is somewhat bootlegish, but it's not bad.  You get a feel for the songs and it's nice to hear a live album that isn't all polished up. 

Comments:  This CD is a full 73 minutes, and if you are a Dangerous Toys fan than it's a must have.  After checking out this FREE CD that was sent to us by Cleopatra Records, the label it's out on, I actually tracked down some old DT CD's I didn't have and got those too.   Even if you aren't down with Dangerous Toys, you might want to consider stealing this CD to give it a listen.  The CD gets high marks for not only the songs, but for the nudity in the booklet.  There is something for everybody!

DOKKEN - "Erase The Slate"
by Ozzy Stillbourne

Cover:  5 Naps out of 10.
As with most CMC releases, this album cover is weak.  Weaker than Jani Lane's voice after smoking 85 packs of smokes.  Weaker than Vince Neil's will power around a buffet table.  It's some little bastard holding a bunch of slates with Dokken written on it.  There is also a burning candle in the background.  It basically looks like something that was made in an Album Cover 101 program or some shit like that.  Very generic.

Booklet:  6 No-Doz out of 10.
The booklet ain't bad.  I could do without the Dokken foldout in the middle, cause fuck, these guys aren't N'sync.  Too many pictures of these old fucks but all the lyrics and a decent look to it.   Not bad.

Songs:  6 Pillows out 10.  
As much as I hate to say it, this CD isn't that bad.  Reb Beach has some cool riffs, and if you are a big Dokkenaholic, you'll tits will probably get hard listening to this.  Don's voice sounds a little weak in spots but not too bad.  He's not the virtuoso Stephen Pearcy is, but who is?  The production sounds good and this is a much stronger album than Slaughter or Ratt's latest releases.  Did I just say that?  Fuck I need a drink.

Comments:  If this album came out 10 years a,o it probably would have been fucking huge.  Unfortunately it didn't.  Plus Don is now like 65, so he ain't got much time left.  This is classic 80s rock so for all you bitches out there that hate Limp Bizkit and Kid Rock and wish for the 80s to return, here's an album for you.  It's not total cheese and has some substance.  It's probably the best record they've done since the 80s.  They're still boring as fuck to watch live though.

THE DONNAS - "Get Skintight"
by Donna Anderson

Cover:  5 Donnas out of 10. 
The cover is ok, just the Donnas standing together with a pink background.  Nothing special, but the cover does stand out since it's all in pink.  

Booklet:  9 Donnas out of 10. 
This is a pretty nice booklet.  16 pages total, counting the front and back!  That's most than most major acts and puts a lot of bigger bands to shame.  There are all the lyrics, thanks, and lots and lots of pictures, including one with C.C. DeVille.  

Songs:  7 Donnas out of 10. 
The girls cover Motley's "Too Fast For Love" and do a pretty good job.  They add their own touch to it, and it sounds pretty cool.  The album reminds me of "Too Fast For Love" so it fits in rather well.  Most of the songs are about guys, parties, being a teenager and shit like that.  

Comments:  The singer of The Donnas is named Donna Anderson!  I thought I was the only one with that name!  But this Donna Anderson isn't talking about dick sizes, so I still think I have that area all to myself.  Other members of the band are Donna C, Donna F, and Donna R.  They are all around 19/20 years old.  I'd like to check them out live to see how they perform on stage, because they seem like they'd be a lot of fun.  

DOPE - "Felons And Revolutionaries"
by Ozzy Stillbourne

Cover:  3 Anti-Establishment Rants out of 10. 
The cover just says "dope" in orange letters with a very dark American flag in the background.  There are better pictures in their booklet that would have made a better cover, but chances are those covers would have gotten the CD banned from stores. 

Booklet:  7 Anti-Establishment Rants out of 10. 
Decent size booklet with sloppy written lyrics, photos of the band behind bars, and some evil looking cartoon shit.  One of the drawing has a bullet going through somebody's head with blood everywhere, so that's pretty fucking metal.  Other happy cartoon pics include a needle, a timebomb, a skull, and Uncle Sam with a machine gun shooting people.  No wonder these guys are in jail.

Songs:  5 Anti-Establishment Rants out of 10. 
By looking at some of the song titles, "Pig Society," "Everything Sucks," "Sick," "America The Pitiful," "Shit Life," "Wake Up" and "I Am Nothing" you can tell this isn't an upbeat, positive album.  "Sick" has a pretty cool bass line, and the chorus goes "Bang Bang Bang In Your Head Fucker, Bang Bang Bang You're Dead Fucker."  Chances are this won't be getting much radio play and some stupid ass teenagers will open fire in their school and blame this song.  The chorus for the song "Spine For You" goes, "Bam, I'd like to bash you in the head, Yeah, I guess I'm better off dead, Fuck Tomorrow, Fuck Tomorrow."  There are lots of other fucked up lyrics and plenty of the uses of the word fuck as well.  Track 8 is a heavy remake of N.W.A's "Fuck The Police."   Dope's version of the song is one of those songs that is cool to listen to a few times, then you don't really need to hear it ever again.  The other songs are ok and a lot of them sound like old school Marilyn Manson.   I've heard it all before and done a little bit better.

Comments:  This is basically another band saying how society is fucked up and America sucks.  After a few songs though you get the idea already.  Have a fucking Happy Meal and cheer the fuck up already.  This is the perfect album for depressed kids who think life sucks.

DRAIN STH - "Freaks Of Nature"
by bastard boy floyd

Cover:  7 Shania Twains out of 10. 
The cover shows all 4 girls with their Shania Twain makeovers, and they all look pretty hot, providing you're into that "tits" and "ass" thing.  The reason they got a 7 is because to get an 8 I would have need to see some erect nipples.  To get a 9, they would have had to been topless, and for a 10, they would have to show bush (not the band from England, but actual pubic hair.)  So based on that, I gave them as high a score as I could.

Booklet: 8 Shania Twains out of 10. 
The booklet is quite thick, like my dick, and has plenty of pictures of these chicks.  Plus there are all the lyrics.  Still no nudity, so they get marked down for that.

Songs:  9 Shania Twains out of 10. 
I like these songs.  How's that for in-depth writing?

Commnets:  These chicks know how to rock!  Actually, I don't know if they know how to rock, it's just something that I thought Metal Edge would say.  The songs have a nice heavy groove that just makes me wanna bust a nut.  Even Ozzy Stillbourne likes this disc.  Very cool shizznit.  I use to be in this band, and you can see that photo in the Photo Section.

DREAM THEATER - "Scenes from a Memory"
by freelance reporter Kip Tramp

Cover:  8 musical snobs out of 10. 
The cover basically has a face superimposed with old photographs and shit, but it does convey the album's concept perfectly.

Booklet:  6 musical snobs out of 10. 
Nothing flashy here. The booklet is styled like a theater program. Usually that would really suck, but this is a Dream "Theater" album so you have to discount the bore factor a little bit since they're known for it and if you buy their shit you should know what you're getting!

Songs:  5 musical snobs out of 10. 
"Scenes" is a concept album whose story is a loose rip-off of the movie "Dead Again." There are some flashes of brilliance on this disc, unfortunately most of the songs are too long and convoluted--thanks to Dream Theater's obsession with useless solos and interludes. If the album were 20 minutes shorter (so you wouldn't have to keep fast forwarding parts) it would kick ass. As it stands you'll be sick of it in a couple of weeks.

Comments:  Rock snobs who think that KISS and Motley Crue make music for the typically stupid fan will love this album. Watch them throw their noses in the air and claim that "Dream Theater has to much talent for mainstream America to understand." You might want to bitch slap em and tell them to shut the fuck up if they do.

ENUFF Z'NUFF - "Paraphernalia"
by Donna Anderson

Cover:  5 Peace Signs out of 10.
The cover is pretty weak, and it's kind of a Kiss ripoff. Donnie looks horrible. I've seen him look much better.

Booklet:  6 Peace Signs out of 10.
I'm surprised they actually have the lyrics in it. Everything is in black & white.

Songs:  10 Peace Signs out of 10.
This album is great, I love it. They've been playing most of these songs live for the last year.  It kind of has a more modern feel to it. There are some really cool ballads and some heavy stuff as well. I like "Someday", "Ain't It Funny", "Top Of The Hill", and "Baby Your The Greatest." Those are just the tracks that are in my head as of now. The rest of the songs are cool too.

Comments: This is one of their best albums. Too bad nobody will really hear it. For some reason, Enuff Z Nuff just can't find the break they need to take it to the next level. Maybe it's their management, maybe it's just them. But this is a great album and people should give it a chance.

TRACII GUNS - "Killing Machine"
by Jani Bon Neil

Cover:  2 Phil Lewis out of 10. 
As with all projects involving Tracii Guns, this cover sucks.

Booklet: 5 Phil Lewis out of 10.
The photos for the CD booklet were taken by Gideon Culman!  I thought that was interesting.  Too bad he probably didn't get paid.  The booklet also has lyrics and some thanks.  A much better booklet than "Shrinking Violet."  

Songs:  4 Phil Lewis out of 10. 
The songs on this CD are heavier than L.A. Guns stuff.  I've heard "People Will Die" and "I Still Love You" before, and those songs are alright.  But at the end of the CD, there are 2 live L.A. Guns tracks with Ralph Saenz on vocals.  The songs are Sex Action and Ain't Talkin' 'Bout Love.  Sounds like it sound be cool, right?  Wrong.  The recording totally sucks, it sounds like a bad bootleg.  If this is from the soundboard, it's the worst soundboard recording I've ever heard.  I've heard Van Halen soundboard recordings from 1976 that sound better than this.  Shit, you can hear people in the audience talking to each other!  How gay.  Half the reason I bought this was to hear Ralph sing Ain't Talkin' 'Bout Love, and it sounds like shit.  Just for that let down, the songs will get an 8.

Comments:  This was re-released on Deadline / Cleopatra records.  It originally came out a few years ago, I think, who knows.  After listening to this, I can see why Tracii wants to keep L.A. Guns together, cause he'll make more money with LAG than he will with this!

GUNS N' ROSES - "Live Era 87-93"
by bastard boy floyd

Cover:  5 Temper Tantrums out of 10. 
The cover is 6 old ass flyers along with the title of the album. 

Booklet:  8 Temper Tantrums out of 10. 
The booklet is filled with a bunch of pictures and old ass flyers.  This is how a live booklet should be done, except the font they used for the credits sucks.  Plus they didn't list where these tracks were recorded, so that's kind of lame.  

Songs:  6 Temper Tantrums out of 10. 
This is a double album, or should I say CD, and it has 22 tracks.  Eh, these songs are ok.  For some reason they don't pack the punch I was expecting.   They sound thin.   I'd rather listened to the studio versions of these songs than the live versions.  Some of it's alright.  It doesn't suck but it's doesn't make me wanna suck my own cock either.  

Comments:  The first batch of these CDs are all fucked up.  The CDs are mislabeled, one is actually two and two is actually one, and the music if messed up as well.  Unfortunately, I have a good CD.  The error CDs might be worth some on Ebay, but of course I got a good CD.  I always get the shaft.  

GUNS N' ROSES TRIBUTE - "Appetite for Reconstruction"
by Jani Bon Neil

Cover:  4 Remixes out of 10. 
The cover is a basic skull with a gun and some roses.  How clever.  

Booklet:  2 Remixes out of 10. 
The booklet sucks.  It's basically the story of Guns N Roses, and we all know that already.  Blah blah blah.  Whatever.

Songs:  5 Remixes out of 10. 
Now I think some of these songs are cool.  It's different.  It has a bunch of techno remixes and the songs sound nothing like the original.  It's stuff you'd hear at a rave club.  Some of these remixes are pretty cool, and some are kind of, 'eh.'  Like the 2 remixes with Kevin DuBrow I could have done with out.  If I hear another CD start off with a yell from Kevin DuBrow like this CD does, I'm going to start shooting people.  That yell was completely unnecessary, and I think they should warn people about it before you put the CD in.  The remixes I like are John Corabi doing "Rocket Queen," Taime Downe doing "It's So Easy," Joe LeSte doing "Night Train," Stevie Rachelle doing "You're Crazy," Joe LeSte doing "Mr. Brownstone," and Jizzy Pearl singing "Sweet Child Of Mine."   The vocals for "Paradise City" by Kory Clarke sound kind of faggy.  The rest of the CD is ok.   By the way, Tracii Guns played all the guitar parts on these songs.

Comments:  If you are into tribute albums that are straight covers, than stay away from this.   If you're some dude or chick that only hangs out at rock bars and plays pool listening to AC/DC, then I doubt you'll be into this.  But if you are into different shit and hang out a dance clubs, give it a listen.   If some of these songs are actually pushed properly, they might make there way into some clubs.  

SAMMY HAGAR - "Red Voodoo"
by Ozzy Stillbourne

Cover:  8 Tequila Shots out of 10. 
There is a picture of Sammy behind some drinking class and it's all colorful and shit.  Good enough, I guess. What the fuck do I know?

Booklet:  Beats the fuck out of me, I got a promo copy and it didn't come with a booklet.  Fuck, I'll give it 6 Tequila Shots out of 10 just because it involves alcohol.

Songs:  5 Tequilas out of 10. 
Some of it is good, but some of it is lame.

Comments: This is better than his last album solo album Marching To Mars.  That's not saying much cause his last album really sucked.  This might do a little better, but I doubt it.  It's still easier to listen to than Van Halen 3.  I guess it's a good album to listen to if you want to kick it on the beach and drink.  The more you drink the better this will sound.

JERKY BOYS - "Stop Starring At Me"
by bastard boy floyd

Cover:  9 Hang Ups out of 10. 
A nude Sol Rosenburg, including his cock and balls.  What more needs to be said!  Unfortunately, this is the best part about the new album.

Booklet:  1 Hang Up out of 10.  
They've never had good booklets, but this one really sucks, tough guy.

Calls: 3 Hang Ups out of 10. 
The 3 is for the 3 laughs I got out of this. There are 25 calls, and that's 22 too many!  The calls are all over the place and they seem to be trying to live off past ideas.  There are very few calls that even got a chuckle out of me, and everybody knows I laugh at everything.  Retards, the homeless, I laugh at everything.  But not this CD.  This sucks :( 

Comments: Hi, sir, this fucking sucks!  I love all the Jerky Boys albums, but this is a pile of shit!  What the fuck are these fruity bastards thinking?   They need 2 smacks across the fucking lips for releasing this shit. Very disappointing, and I don't need that, thank you.   It looks like the Jerky Boys are played out like Young MC.  It comes with an enhanced CD that is pretty cool, and it even has Sol punching himself in the balls, which was very entertaining for me since I do that to myself a lot. But still, if the calls blow, what's the point sizzle chest?  This CD makes me wanna rub sand on my ass nipples.

LIT - "Place In The Sun"
by Jani Bon Neil

MARVELOUS 3 - "Hey Album"
by Donna Anderson

Cover: 6 Jesse Hartes Out Of 10.
It's just a picture of a bed. I see enough beds in my daily life, so the cover bored me.

Booklet: 7 Jesse Hartes Out Of 10.
The booklet is cool, and there are 3 big pictures of Butch Walker, but only 1 each of the other 2 guys. It has lyrics and stuff and kind of folds out to form a "t". If you don't know what I'm talking about, go buy it ya self.

Songs: 9 1/2 Jesse Hartes Out Of 20.
I've been listening to this CD quite a bit. In fact, I haven't been able to stop listening to it enough to review anything else. The songs have more hooks than a tackle box and it's more catchy than herpes on Warrant's tour bus.

Comments: I really like this album, and I'm looking forward to hearing their first album. If you see them live, be sure to scream out "Tainted Angel" in between songs. They like that sort of stuff.

MEGADETH - "Risk"
by Ozzy Stillbourne

Cover:  5 Sellouts out of 10. 
I don't know, the cover looks like a fucking mousetrap.  This CD has a whole pussy / mouse theme to it.

Booklet:  6 Sellouts out of 10. 
The booklet continues with the cat and mouse theme, with pictures of the band here and there.  There are some nice pussy shots as well.  No, not that type of pussy ya horny little bastard, I'm talking about cats.  There are cats and mice all over this booklet.  The cat looks like the same cat that Aerosmith used for "Nine Lives" so it's good to see that cat is having more success than anyone in Slaughter.  There are only partial lyrics, so that's kind of cheap.

Songs:  4 Sellouts out of 10.  
Some of these songs are cool and some of them make me think Mustaine is smoking some funny shit again.  The first 2 songs on the CD are cool, but then it slowly goes down hill.  "Crush" isn't bad, but "Breadline" sounds like it was written for radio play and almost would pass as something off Ratt's new album.  So you know that song fucking sucks then.  "I'll Be There" sounds like Dave is actually trying to sing on this CD so you can only imagine how painful that is to listen too.  "Wanderlust" sucks and Mustaine's voice on that song parts my ass hairs every time I hear it, "Ecstasy" is just a weak song, "Seven" is eh, "Time: The Beginning" sucks, and "Time: The End" is ok.  Overall, it doesn't totally suck, but it's nothing to run out and buy.   Maybe some of these songs wouldn't be as bad if Mustaine wasn't singing them.

Comments:  This CD looks like a mousetrap because much like a mousetrap, you really don't want to pick it up. It's like they are trying too hard to show people that they can take Risks and not be one dimensional.  "Hey, look at us, we take chances and are creative.  You should respect us more."  Yeah, maybe, but you're album basically sucks!  I don't have a problem with change, I just think some of these songs are weaker than Mustaine's voice.  And whoever told Dave he could sing also needs his pubic hairs ripped out with rusty pliers.  Dave ain't Steve Perry, or Steve Summers for that matter, so on their next record, turn the fucking guitars up more so I don't have to listen to Dave's voice as much.

METAL RULES - "A Tribute To The Bad Hair Days"
by bastard boy floyd

Cover:  9 Hair Bands out of 10. 
The cover is a take off of Motley's "Too Fast For Love" cover but with a punk twist.   The kid has his boxers showing, a pager on his belt, a wallet chain, etc.  It's pretty cool as far as I'm concerned because it reminds me of something I'd do!

Booklet:  5 Hair Bands out of 10. 
Like any tribute CD, the booklet leaves a bit to be desired.  The inside has a writeup written by Katherine Turman about the 80s, blah blah blah.  There are full credits and thanks, but nothing much.  The back of the CD shows a picture of a Jean jacket with all the songs written on the back, so that's cool.

Songs:  6 Hair Bands out of 10. 
This is a compilation by a variety of Ska, punk, and pop bands covering 80s metal.  And believe it or not, a lot of these versions are cool!  I'm not afraid to admit it!  Here is the list of the songs:
"We're Not Gonna Take It" (Twisted Sister) by Hairstorm M84
"Kiss Me Deadly" (Lita Ford) by Nerf Herder
"Youth Gone Wild" (Skid Row) by Mad Caddies
"Unskinny Bop" by (Poison) The New Morty Show
"Photograph" by (Def Leppard) Jason Falkner
"On With The Show" (Motley Crue) by The Ataris
"Talk Dirty To Me" (Poison) by Suckerpunch
"No One Like You" (Scorpions) by Sweet Lixx
"Shake Me" (Cinderella) by Ridel High
"I Wanna Be Somebody" (WASP) by Jumpin' Jimes
"Alone Again" (Dokken) by Buck Wild
"Round & Round" (Ratt) by The Tories
"Pour Some Sugar On Me" (Def Leppard) by The Marginal Prophets
"Rock You Like A Hurricane" (Scorpions) by The Holy Hand Grenade
First of all you haven't lived until you've heard a ska version of a WASP song!  Now that's fucked up!  The best song on the CD is "Round & Round" by The Tories, and the end of the song even had the real Stephen Pearcy singing on it.  It sounds like a pop song that radio would be all over.  Very catchy and melodic.  "Youth Gone Wild" has horns in it, "We're Not Gonna Take It" and "On With The Show" are pretty much straight punk covers, and "Unskinny Bop" is a big band version.  It sounds like something you'd hear in a trendy cigar bar.

Comments:  This is put together better than any tribute record Cleopatra has ever thought of putting together.  

METALLICA - "S & M"
By Ozzy Stillbourne

Cover: 4 Flutes out of 10. 
This album cover is only slightly more visual than the Metallica Black album

Booklet:  7 Violins out of 10. 
Plenty of cute little pictures of Metallica playing with the Symphony and shit like that.  Unlike Kirk & Lars' hair, the booklet is rather thick.  

Songs:  5 Oboes out of 10. 
Some of the songs work and some of them don't.  Basically this album is Metallica playing their songs the way they always play them, but in the background you have a symphony.  Some of it sounds ok like "Call Of Ktulu", "Nothing Else Matter", and some other songs I'm forgetting, but some songs sound gay.  Does "The Thing That Should Not Be" really need an orchestra behind it?  It adds nothing to the song.  Same thing with "Fuel" and "Devil's Dance."  And most of the time all you hear are the violins anyway.  And the 2 new songs suck!  I remember the time when you'd hear about Metallica writing a new song and it would be something to look forward to.  These 2 songs blow.  "Minus Human" and "No Leaf Clover" sound like B-sides, or throwaway songs.  I've heard those songs now numerous times and still don't remember how they go.  If this is the shit that's going to be on the next album, I want nothing to do with it.  

Comments:  The novelty of the whole orchestra thing wears off rather quick.  Basically this is another Metallica live album, and it costs almost $20!  Maybe that's to pay all the fucking Symphony members.   Kind of a rip off yet what do I know.  The album debuted at #2 on the billboard chart and sold 300,318 it's first week and 170,260 it's second week.  By the time I'm writing this it's probably already sold Gold.  Just goes to show you that if Metallica put out an album of static it would go Gold.  

METHODS OF MAYHEM - "Methods Of Mayhem"
by Ozzy Stillbourne & Jani Bon Neil

Cover:  3 Dreadlocks out of 10. 
Simply put:  The cover is as exciting as what's on the inside.

Booklet:  5 Mad Luvs out of 10.
The booklet comes with drawings for each song as well as the lyrics, but the lyrics are too hard to read.  Not there there are any lyrics worth reading.  He also thanks all his homies locked down in the system.  What the fuck is that?  Why the fuck is he always talking about jail?  If I went to jail for smacking around Pamela Anderson, I certainly wouldn't keep bringing it up. 

Songs:  3 Poseurs out of 10. 
The first song on the album is called "Who The Hell Cares" and I think that should be the name of the album.   All the guest rappers such as Snoop Dog, Kid Rock, Fred Durst, and Lil' Kim don't add anything to this record.  Snoop Dog & Kid Rock's raps are just typical boasting shit.   They have nothing to do with the song at all.  The song "New Skin" is about shedding your skin and letting the past go, and then Kid Rock comes in and raps how he's sold 5 million albums and everybody can fuck off, the same shit he has on his album.  What the fuck does that have to do with shedding your skin?  If you have a guest on a song, it should fit the song and make sense, not just be there for shits & giggles.  Lil' Kim fits in on "Get Naked", but Fred Durst seems to have been brought in so maybe some Limp Bizkit fans will buy the album.  Plus a lot of the vocals are hard to understand.  If you listen to Limp Bizkit, Kid Rock, or even NWA, you can make out what is being said.  Tilo's and Tommy's raps at times are hard to make out.  And speaking of Tilo, where the fuck did this guy come from?  I've seen homeless crackheads look cooler than this guy.  "Proposition Fuck You" is without a doubt the most ridiculous song of the year and on the album..  The intro to the song says; 

"Are you tired of hanging out in your car and getting sweated by the boys in blue?  Tired of getting shot by your best friend and not receiving any medical attention because of lack of insurance?"  

Then it goes on to say vote for proposition fuck you this November, blah blah blah, and then the song kicks in.  The chorus about "the boys in blue running up on your crew" is beyond stupid.

Note to Tommy:  You're 37 years old, you live in a mansion, and are married to one of the most desired woman on the planet!  You aren't a gansta!  You aren't living on the streets!  Your a millionaire!!  In 3 years you are going to be 40!!!  What the fuck are you doing raping about some of this shit?  The "boys in blue" aren't running up on your crew and your homeboys aren't getting shot.  The only reason you had a run in with the "boys in blue" is because you pimp smacked your old lady.  It's one thing to try out new shit, it's another to be a total 100% poseur.  In Tommy's case, the wheel is turning but the hamster is dead.

"Narcotic" and "Spun" could be straight off a Prodigy album.  Nothing special about those tracks at all.  "Mr. Onsomeothershit" is a 36 second rap that is totally useless, so that means there are really only 10 tracks on this album and it's only 36 minutes long, so that ain't very much.  Tommy's been working on this album since like last January if not longer, and this is the best shit he's come up with?

Comments:  This album makes Limp Bizkit look like Aerosmith.  This is way more a rap album than I thought it was going to be, and a poor one at that.  I can't believe how much this album sucks.  Not because we hate rap or anything like that, but there is nothing to get excited about here.  It's generic.  It's all been done before and much better.  Tommy got as many big names as he could to make appearances on the album in hopes of bringing in fans and getting some credibility, but it's not going to help out this horrible album.  It's as weak as Tommy's dick is big.  We give this album no Mad Luv.  Look for Tommy to be crawling back to Motley within the next 2 years.

MOTLEY CRUE - "Entertainment Or Death"
by Jani Bon Neil

Cover:  4 Touch Ups out of 10. 
The cover is nothing fancy at all.  Most live albums don't really have great covers.  I don't feel like describing it, so go to CDNow.com or Motley's website and look at it yourself.  

Booklet:  5 Touch Ups out of 10. 
I was expecting more to this booklet than what I got.  It's only a few pages.  I thought they'd show more old photos and shit, but most of these photos are rather recent.  They do list the cities the songs were recorded in, so that was good because that way, I found out what songs were touched up and what songs weren't.  

Songs:  7 Touch Ups out of 10.  
Some people might be wondering what was touched up on this album, so I'll tell ya.  All the vocals from Perkins Palace, 11/19/82, are touched up.  I have a bootlegs of that show and the vocals are totally different than what appears on this album.  I heard that after they recorded that show on 11/19/82, they redid the vocals and it was broadcast for Westwood One.  The vocals were redone back in the day.  So actually, there are 2 versions of the Perkins Palace show.  Some of you might have bootlegs of it, so go check out which show you have.  Anyways, songs with redone vocals are "Public Enemy #1", "Merry-Go-Round", "Piece Of Your Action," "Starry Eyes," and "Helter Skelter."   During "Piece Of Your Action" you can hear a chainsaw, so I that either means that Jesse James Dupree ran out on stage, or Vince was cutting up a mannequin.  The stuff from Tuscon on 3/14/83, which includes "Knock 'Em Dead, Kid," "Too Young To Fall In Love," "Live Wire," and "Shout At The Devil" haven't been touched up.  Those are totally live.  As far as the other shit, I have no idea.  Some of that was recorded during the last tour, so I have no idea what tracks were touched up.   Metal Sludge heard that Vince touched up Dr. Feelgood, and Nikki did admit that Vince touched up 3 tracks and he fixed up one.  But still, this is no Slaughter "live" album.  Vince doesn't sing perfect on some of these songs and for the most part, he sounds just like he does live, for better or worse.  Even the touched up stuff isn't perfect.  It's probably more live than most live albums, despite the vocals being redone on some songs.  It's a good representative of Motley live.

Comments:  Being a Double CD, this CD isn't that expensive.   There are 21 tracks, and it's only like $13 at Best Buy.  Metallica's and G'NR's Double CDs are like $19, and in Musicland they are up to like $25. So if you are living off government cheese, chances are you can still put together your food stamps and buy this record.  Motley didn't really push this album that much, but it still did well it's first week.  It sold 17,375 units the first week, and 11,129 it's second week.  That's not too bad.

MOTORHEAD - "Everything Louder Than Everyone Else"
by Ozzy Stillbourne

Cover:  5 Moles out of 10. 
The cover has some electric pissed off looking skull, I think.  Beats the fuck out of me.  

Booklet:  7 Moles out of 10. 
I like this CD booklet and I'll tell your stupid ass why.  Because each song on the album Lemmy gives a few comments on, so I dig that shit.  Chances are Lemmy wrote his comment at one of the booths at the Rainbow cause I think that is where Lemmy lives.  It also has a bunch of comments from people like Lars, Scott Ian, Dimebag Darrell, Tony Iommi, Beavis & Butthead, and even Ron Jeremy.  They all swing from Lemmy's mole and say how great Motorhead was and if it wasn't for Motorhead, they wouldn't be in a band.  I never thought they were that great, but I guess I'm just a jackass.

Songs:  5 Moles out of 10. 
It's fucking Lemmy!  You either like Lemmy's voice or you don't.  I've never been one to swing from Lemmy's moles like others have, but I can deal with some of it.  I have no fucking idea what Lemmy is saying half the time though.  The cool thing about this is that they included all of Lemmy's raps in between songs.  Most live albums cut that shit out but this has Lemmy talking to the fans and that sort of shit. There are 25 songs spread out over 2 CDs, and I think the entire album is over 100 minutes.

Comments:  This whole CD was recorded in Hamburg, Germany, in May of 1998.  Lemmy says in the CD booklet that this is a live album recorded 100% overdub free and I believe him.  Lemmy is rock and roll and I can't really picture Lemmy in the studio touching this up.   Besides, he would have to leave the Rainbow and sober up to touch this up, and I don't really see him doing that.  

PINK CREAM 69 - "Electrified"
Faithfully submitted by Dick Encyder

Pink Cream 69 formed in 1987 and in 1988 won the Metal Hammer newcomer competition at the Rockfabrik Ludwigsburg/Germany.  I have no idea what the hell a Rockfabrick is.  It sounds like a blanket made of stone if you ask me.  Anyways, apparently all the major labels were there and PC 69 signed with Sony later that year.  In 1989, they toured with the U.S. with White Lion, which would explain why I've never heard of them.  It also explains why you've never heard of them either.

Long story short, grunge hit, rock died and after a short while, their lead singer bolted to Helloween.  Good move considering Helloween hasn't sold an album in oh about 10 years.  I mean how much gayer could that Helloween video 'Halloween' have been?  It looked like all the shitty footage that got cut out of Halloween III, and we all know how great that movie was (sarcasm mode off).  So in 1995 the band recruited limey David Readman out of bum-fuck-how-hell-should-I-know?  I haven't heard of him.  They squeezed out a couple of albums I've never heard, but after listening to their 1999
release 'Electrified', I'm going to go find the others.

I'm going to rate this album by the steins of Beck's since they're German, and because it's 5:00 in the afternoon, it's been a long fucking day and that's all I can really think about...but I could quit any time I want.  Drinking, not my lame ass job.

Cover: 4 steins of Becks out of 10.  
I bought the 'American' release in a used bin for 2 bucks, and this cover sucks.  It's just a picture of the band sitting around.  They look like they're waiting for someone to call and give them a gig.  You're gonna be waiting a long time boys if the booklet isn't any better.  I went to their home page and saw that they had a different cover for the European version with some chicks head totally surrounded by
those electric sparks like those glow balls that were big in the 80's.  What did they think we'd be offended by that sort of depiction?  Well I can think of some lesbian feminists who would have a problem with that kind of thing back where I went to college for 9 years, but they're too busy shaving each others backs and listening to the Indigo Girls to care about what heavy metal albums look like these days.

Booklet:  8 steins of Becks 10. 
I probably should have given it 7, but I was thirsty and I figured it was cool of them to have entire middle two pages be a pic of the band with their names and instruments played.   That's handy for idiot fucks like me and you who have no idea who Kosta Zafiriov is and that he plays drums.  In addition, the lyrics to the songs are printed.  They also give the web address of their management group.  It's
http://www.bottomrow.com .  There's a whole page devoted to each band they represent, which is where I stole all of the info on the band.

Songs:  6 steins of Becks out of 10.  
I'd like to call them a 'typical' German hard rock band.  However, the only German hard rock band I really know anything about is the Scorpions.  And the lead singer of PC 69 isn't a midget, so I guess they're not typically German at all.  The production is excellent and the songs all flat out rock.  I hear hints of vintage Queensryche in the songs.  This is the album that Queensryche should have
written instead of that lame ass 'Promised Land'...Fuck Queensryche and fuck their 'Prog Rock' sound.
In addition to having a name with a sex act in it, PC 69 'delivers the goods' with excellent tunes like 'Shame', 'Best For You', and 'Over The Fire'...If you like straight forward rock with crunching chords and actual melodies, this is a great album for you.  If you want to hear 'I Want It That Way', go fuck yourself and head to your local T.G.I.Fridays or Chile's and listen to their looping top 40 tape over and over again.  Fuck Chile's and their baby back ribs too.

Comments:  You can purchase 'Electrified' from PC 69 at http://www.aorheaven.com

PISSING RAZORS - "Cast Down The Plaque"
by Ozzy Stillbourne

Cover:  4 Razors out of 10. 
Shows the 4 band members and a bunch of barb wire.  Kind of cool, but could have been better.  Very metal though.

Booklet: 4 Razors out of 10. 
A few pages of lyrics, some thanks, and everything is basically kept to a minimum.  Nothing fancy.

Songs: 5 Razors out of 10.  
This is a very heavy album with your standard double bass drum, Cookie Monster vocals, and grinding riffs.  I guess you could compare some of it to Pantera.  Good music to start a pit in your living room and break all your furniture.  

Comments:  How can you not like a band called Pissing Razors?  This is a very happy album that is good for sacrificing small animals or getting yourself evicted from an apartment.  

POWERMAN 5000 - "Tonight The Stars Revolt!"
by Ozzy Stillbourne

Cover:  7 Comic Books out of 10. 
The cover sort of resembles a comic book, so I'll rate everything in comic books.  It's creative, so fuck, I'll give it a 7.  Why not?

Booklet:  9 Comic Books out of 10. 
I can definitely see a Rob Zombie influence in the booklet.  No naked chicks though, so it doesn't get a perfect score. It's all based on a 1947 comic book with robots and space type shit.  It includes the lyrics, thanks, pictures, and the amazing helmet of death!

Songs:  6 Comic Books out of 10.  
Like the booklet I can also hear a little Rob Zombie influence in these songs.  Spider is Rob's brother so it makes sense.  These songs are much better than their last album which I thought basically sucked.  Imagine a happy medium between Zombie's techno-charged, metal fury and the multi-dimension polish of Marilyn Manson's songcrafting, then factor in a band that plays their way to Pluto and beyond, and the reverberating majesty of PM5K begins to screech into focus.

Comments:  That last line I said up above was ripped off from Paul Gargano's review in Metal Edge.  You actually didn't think I would write something like that, did you?  I couldn't think of anything to write other than, "It's cool" so I ripped Paul off. 

QUEENSRYCHE - "Q2K"
by freelance reporter Kip Tramp

Cover:  7 pissed off fans out of 10.
The cover, with it's technological flying Triryche design, is badass...and when I compare it to the cover of the new Union CD, it looks even better. Too bad that they didn't put any effort into the back insert, which is a resampled, blurry piece of shit. I'd expect such quality from the guys at CMC and Deadline, but not from Atlantic.

Booklet:  4 pissed off fans out of 10. 
This is one of those cheap, skimpy fold-out booklets. The computer chip
images of the band are kind of cool but they fail to inspire any excitement considering that every member of the band looks like a creature out of Labyrinth. Whoever designed the layout for this album rushed through it big
time.

Songs: 4 pissed off fans out of 10. 
Queensryche's formula for success in the late 80's/early 90's featured a combination of razor sharp double axe attacks, skillfully crafted lyrics, and Geoff Tate's incredible voice. On "Q2K," the smarter-than-thou boys sold out.  The guitar work is sloppy and muddled. Gone are most of the introspective lyrics, replaced by a bunch of clichéd, poorly written songs on such topics as...Mrs. Tate's smelly pussy (Sacred Ground), relationships gone bad, and dumb asses who gather in the desert to act out (Burning Man). As for Tate's voice; the guy has lost some range, and smoking all those years sure as hell hasn't helped. He doesn't scream his balls off even once on "Q2K."  Pathetically loyal fans might contend that "Queensryche's albums always sound different." I agree, but remember that for a while what they were doing was really innovative. The problem with Q2K isn't that it's different, it's that it sounds like a Silverchair/Soundgarden rip-off.

Comments:  It's obvious that this record was created to kiss corporate ASS and land the band a record deal on a decent label. This isn't a disc for the diehard, long time fan. It's a disc of bland, characterless mainstream rock, which is what major labels want these days. Queensryche got their deal with Atlantic...to bad they had to sell their souls in the process.

RATT - "Ratt"
by Jani Bon Neil

Cover:  2 Ratt's out of 10. 
Is this a joke?  This is one of the first releases off John Kalodner's new label, and the cover looks like something a local band would do.  The cover is almost as weak as Stephen Pearcy's voice. 

Booklet:  3 Ratt's out of 10. 
Also pretty fucking weak.  Is it really necessary to see a foldout of Ratt?  No lyrics, not many thanks, and just credits.  Then there are some weird photos that remind of the BulletBoys' "Freakshow" album.  Weird paintings and shit.  The booklet is just like Pearcy's stage presence, boring as hell.

Songs:  5 Ratt's out of 10. 
The songs are average at best.  No killer Ratt riffs like they use to have.  And Pearcy's voice is gone.  Stick a fork in him, he's done.  The songs don't suck, but they aren't great.  After listening to the CD I didn't walk away humming any of the tunes.  This album can't hold a candle to their earlier stuff.

Comments:  Looking at the songwriting credits, it's obvious that Kalodner hooked up Ratt with a variety of songwriters in hopes they will get some radio play.  Just like what he did with Aerosmith.   This Ratt album has songs written with Taylor Rhodes, Mark Hudson, Jack Russell, Jack Blades, Marti Frederiksen, etc.  And some of the songs sound like they could get played on radio, except for one thing...Stephen Pearcy is singing.   

SAVANNAH - "Savannah"
Faithfully submitted by Dick Encyder

Cut and stolen straight from Savannah's website http://members.aol.com/SavanaRox

"Savannah was created by former Slyboyz members, Dario Dipietrantonio, guitar and vocals, and Marty Olga, keyboards and vocals. Good Time Music, Slyboyz's last CD, soared to number nine on Japan's import charts (Burrn Magazine, April 1995). When Slyboyz disbanded, seasoned musicians Dipietrantonio and Olga, were ready to start a new project. Their plan was to create a new band featuring high caliber, dynamic musicians. Fortunately, they reconnected with former Lord Grey band members, Earle Lord, vocals, Marc Kolodziej, bass, and Tony Silva, drums/vocals."

What the fuck is that little cut and pasted bio supposed to be telling me? Slyboyz?  Lord Grey?  C,mon now.  Be serious.  Who in THE hell is going to have any idea what these guys are by telling us they used to be in two bar bands in New England?  Maybe the 30 people they used to play to nightly down at the Roadhouse where they used to play covers and have sex with fat married chicks whose greatest aspirations were to meet and marry Blas Elias.  And don't try to tell me that they made it big because they had a CD for sale in Japan.  I could get to number 9 in Japan banging the bottom of a five gallon pickle jug and singing about pussy and partying all night (if I could get Bastard Boy Floyd to sell me back the masters; there's a reason he's got the name Bastard in his name, folks (note clever and correct use of the semi-colon Slaughter fans)).

Well as it turns out, this band isn't half-bad.  It's riff-oriented keyboard-driven fun party-rock.  I bet it's going to hit number one in Japan's 'riff-oriented keyboard-driven fun party-rock' category.

The band is from the Boston area, so I'm going to be rating this on the Chowda scale.

Cover:  2 Chowda's out of 10. 
Lame as hell.  It's a picture of a scorpion on a rock and the band name beneath it.  First of all, we all know the scorpion represents their love for a certain midget-fronted German band that just put out the year's worst record.  Secondly, this is as unimaginative as what the hair bands of the 80's released on their covers.  The great difference being that the eighties bands had pictures of half-naked chicks.  Strike four on the cover.

Booklet:  7 Chowda's out of 10. 
Let me show you how this rating works.  They automatically get 5 for having the lyrics included and 5 for having a picture of each band member with what instrument they play.  So everybody who has those two things starts off at ten and I go down from there.  I'm deducting one point for including a picture of the singer, who is quite possibly the ugliest man I've ever seen.  I'm deducting two points for the pictures inside which consist of nothing but photos of desert, rocks, and cacti (the plural of cactus is cacti).  Here's where I have to take issue to the intellectual capacity of the band/label executives.  Webster's definition of savannah is 'a tropical or subtropical grassland containing scattered trees and drought resistant undergrowth'.  You dumb fuckers have photos of the exact opposite of a savannah.  People who listen to hard rock are dumb enough without being confused by images with are not consistent with the definition of true savannah!

Songs: 7 Chowda's out of 10. 
The songs are all catchy as hell.  The vocalist more than makes up for his appearance with his control and range.  He sounds like a cross between Steve Perry and Mike Tramp (less like Tramp, which is a good thing, the nasal bastard).  It's party rock performed by hella-musicians.  The first thing I noticed was how well they harmonize.  The second thing I noticed was the songs are good.  There are two songs in particular I noticed that would have been hits had this been released ten years ago.  'Two Young Hearts' is a catchy as hell tune with all the elements of MTV in the days of Adam Curry.  'Useless Alibis' is a sappy as hell ballad in the same vein as Poison only this band has an ounce of talent.  It almost has a feeling like it could be a modern country ballad.  I hope Vince Gill never hears it, because he'll buy the band a keg for the rights to ruin it.  All in all it's a very solid debut release from the Slyboyz.  I was impressed.

Comments:  The S/T release of Savannah and their acoustic live album can be purchased on line at...http://www.nehrecords.com/cgi-local/shop.pl/page%3DList.html

SEVENDUST - "Home"
by Ozzy Stillbourne

Cover:  5 Dreadlocks out of 10. 
Just some old ass picture of a somebody's decrepit hand writing "Home ."  Nothing exciting at all.  Kind of reminds me of something Nine Inch Nails would do, but I don't know why.  There last album had a weak cover as well.  

Booklet:  7 Dreadlocks out of 10. 
The usual, lyrics, thanks, and a picture or two.  The booklet itself would get a 5, but they get 2 extra point for laying shit out differently.  The cassette opens like a cigarette box, so that's cool.  The CD is also differently laid out than your typical CD jewel case, so for that, they get a 7.

Songs:  6 Dreadlocks out of 10. 
These song are your typical pop rockers.  Much like early Pretty Boy Floyd.  Ha, just tugging your dreadlocks, bitch.  Actually this stuff has some pretty heavy shit on it.  Not heavy heavy, like a Slaughter fan, but heavy groove type shit.  I don't know what else to say.  If you like their first album, this won't disappoint your fickle ass.  Song I like are right now are Denial, Reconnect, Rumble Fish, Licking Cream, Crumbled, and some of the other shit.  

Comments:  This is a cool album and has that Skunk Asinine chick named Skin sang on the song "Licking Cream."  She's no Lita Ford but what can you do?  Also, that dude from the Deftones sings on the last song on the album.  

SLAUGHTER - "Back To Reality"
by Ozzy Stillbourne

Cover:  3  Ripped Off Fans out of 10. 
I don't get this cover.  It's called Back To Reality, yet the cover looks like an acid trip.  A lame and stupid concept.

Booklet: 5 Ripped Off Fans out of 10. 
The booklet isn't bad.  It has all the cheesy lyrics, photos and credits.  

Songs:  3 Ripped Off Fans out of 10. 
Whoever had the idea to start the album off with "Killin' Time" needs to be slapped with a shovel.  It's a horrible way to start off the album.  Track 2, "All Fired Up" would have been a better choice.  "Killin' Time" is a horrible and pathetic song and belongs in the trash.   That song sounds like a fucking demo.  But the first half of the CD is ok and that's being generous.  The guitars for "Trailer Park Boogie" are ok, but as soon as Mark starts singing, the song takes a nosedive and becomes a joke.  "Love Is Forever" is a ballad type song and is typical Slaughter sap.  But after that track, which is track 6, the album just drops off into an abyss of shit and piss.  The last 5 songs on the album have no hooks, melodies, or anything that makes you remember them once you stop listening to it.  They're boring as fuck.  I've listened to this album about 10 times, since I'm trying to give this piece of shit album a fair chance, but I still can't remember how any of the songs go.  And no, that's not because I'm smoking pot!  If after 10 or so listens and I still can't remember the songs, that means there isn't much worth remembering. 

Comments:  This album seems very unbalanced.  They try to be "heavy" early on, but the last 5 tracks on the album are very boring and bland, not bland-o, just bland.  There are no choruses or riffs that stand out at all.   The last 5 or so songs are like B-sides.  There is nothing that stands out at all.  The whole album in general is  background music, and poor background music at that.  Some of the guitar playing is cool on a few of the earlier songs, but it still isn't anything great.  The songs are weak and played out.  I've heard worse CDs, but I've heard better.  This is most definitely the last Slaughter CD.  This is it folks, the end of the line. By the way, the CD is enhanced!  Which means you can pop the CD into your computer and look at a bunch of boring photos and watch some poorly edited videos.  If you click on the little spinning globe, they show you the guys performing the "bonus song" 'Shufflin.'  The enhanced CD is just as poorly thought out as the CD is, so I guess they compliment each other.  

SLIPKNOT - "Slipknot"
by Ozzy Stillbourne

Cover:  9 Masks out of 10. 
There are about 48 people on the album cover with different masks on.  Ok, so there are really only 9.  I'm giving them an 9 because there are 9 members of the band and I don't want that dude with the long ass nose mask to come and try to stick that near my ass.

Booklet:  8 Masks out of 10. 
The booklet includes the lyrics so you can hear what the singer Corey (8) is crying about.  It also has a picture of the band and the writing says, "Fuck It All, Fuck This World, Fuck Everything That You Stand For.  Don't Belong, Don't Exist, Don't Give A Shit!  Don't Ever Judge Me."  So basically it's just typical Warrant type lyrics.  HA!  I have to give this high marks for the 3 uses of the word FUCK and one use of the word shit.  Had the word CUNT or COCK been used, it could have gotten a 10.  Better luck next time.  

Songs:  8 Masks out of 10.  
If you are looking for something mellow to relax to, THIS ISN'T IT.  In fact, don't even walk past this CD.  It will reach out and slap you!  In fact, I had my back turned on this CD once and it fucking threw a forearm to my spine!  These guys are fucking pissed!  The first song on the CD is called "(Sic)" starts off with a brutal double bass drums and a lot of pounding.  There is a lot of drum shit going on, but that's because they have something like 42 drummers or some shit.  The song "Wait And Bleed" shows that Corey (8) can actually sing and not just scream.  Every song on the album goes to 10.  This is very extreme shit and just listening to this will make you wanna kill your whole family.  

Comments:  This is a great soundtrack for rioting, car jacking, throwing yourself down stairs, self mutilation, shoving broken glass in your ass, arson, and looting!!  Even the Pope would get into a mosh pit if he heard this shit.

MIKE TRAMP - "Remembering White Lion"
by Freelance Reporter Kip Tramp

Cover:  6 big egos of 10. 
The hell lion artwork is cool, but what's with that fake stucco background? It screams "I AM A LOW BUDGET CD."

Booklet:  3 big egos out of 10. 
Cleopatra.  Need I say more? This rag is a bit better than most though, since
it at least has a little story by Mike Tramp about how the album came about.

Songs:  5 big egos out of 10.
"Remembering White Lion" = White Lion's Latest and Greatest. The songs get a 50% grade cause only half of them are any good. Tramp actually improved "Wait" and "When the Children Cry," but totally fucked up "Little Fighter," "Broken Home" and some others. 

Comments:  If you already own "Best of White Lion" then save your money.

VAN HALEN TRIBUTE ALBUM - "The Medley - Eruption/Rock 'N Rhythm"
by Jani Bon Neil

Cover: 7 M & M's out of 10. 
It's basically one of Eddie's guitars on fire splashing into some water.   

Booklet: 5 M & M's out of 10. 
It's in fucking Japanese!  I can't read this shit!  5 is probably being generous, but I like anything that has to do with Old VH, so what the fuck.  It gets a 5.

Songs: 7 M & M's out of 10. 
All the songs on this are done with fancy ass club type drum beats.  This is shit you'd hear in a club only that it's Van Halen songs.  It's not as gay as it sounds.  Ralph pulls off every David Lee Roth yell to perfection.  They even do Michael Jackson's "Beat It" at the end of the CD, and Ralph sings that like a drunken David Lee Roth on Karaoke night.  He even says, "I forgot the fucking words."  Just for that alone, I give it an 8. 

Comments:  Can this album's title be any fucking longer?  This was released in Japan and it is basically the Atomic Punks, featuring David Lee Ralph (Ralph Saenz) and current DLR guitarist Bart Walsh.  At times, Ralph sounds more like Dave than Dave does!  Some people might hate this, but I found it entertaining, cause I like to get my grove on!  And all the songs run into each, so it sounds like one long mix of songs. Good for parties and shit.

WARRANT - "Greatest and Latest"
by Joey Allen

Cover: 9 Cover Bands out of 10. 
This is classic…a cartoon!  This is exactly what Warrant has become, a fucking cartoon.  For that reason and that reason only I give it a nine.  This is also a rehashed attempt of a shirt we did on the Cherry Pie tour.  John Rainey (Tattoo Artist) drew the original idea in 1991 and he did a good job.  This one doesn’t make Jani look like such a fish/frog and Jerry doesn’t look all bloated from alcohol, pure false representation at its best.

Booklet: 1 Cover Band out of 10. 
It’s beyond my comprehension of why a band would place a ten-year old picture in a CD booklet that contains band members who are no longer in the band.  What kind of poor excuse of trying to live off the past is that?  I only gave it a one because I have (my own) hair in the picture.  It looks like Jani didn’t give writing credits to Jane's Addiction again for that riff in the song ‘Hollywood’ he ripped off.  In the liner notes Erik thanks me, he must have not been able to remove it quick enough after he read my interview with you guys.  Why didn’t anyone thank Steven Sweet?  He helped build this band for eight years.  The reason must be guilt for firing him for no good reason. Pussies!  Other than that the booklet is uneventful.

Songs: 1 Cover Band out of 10. 
I almost got into an accident while driving when I popped this into my CD player because I was laughing so hard.  Cherry Pie has lost any balls it ever had.  Down Boys kind of sounds like it used too when we were all ‘FUBAR’ trying to play it.  I’ve actually heard a cover band do a better version of “Down Boys’ than this, is that sad or what?  Why did they choose to put ‘Hollywood’ on this CD?  Maybe Jani just wants to get sued again for plagiarism.  Most of the songs on this CD have lost any sign of their former production quality.  They’ve pretty much butchered Uncle Tom’s Cabin.  The only redeeming sounds on this CD are the club mixes and even those are fucked up when Jani opens his mouth.  I can’t listen to this shit anymore it’s making my ass itch.  You can find my copy of this record on www.ebay.com.   I’ll pay anyone a cool hundred to take it off of my hands.  

Comments: Two words… SPINAL TAP.

W.A.S.P. - "Helladorado"
by Ozzy Stillbourne

Cover: 8 Devils out of 10. 
Very metal and evil. 

Booklet:  6 Devils out of 10. 
Blackie has a little message in the booklet where he talks about his balls and how this is a raw album with minimum overdubs, shit like that.  He says fuck a lot, so that gets him some points.  The lyrics are listed as well so you can read Blackie's quality lyrics about his dirty balls and doing cocaine. 

Songs: 5 Devils out of 10. 
Basic mid-80s rock that is sort of refreshing to hear.  But a lot of the songs sound the same and the production leaves a little bit to be desired.  In the booklet Blackie said he wanted the songs to sound like their first demos, and that what the songs sound like, demos.  One song is called "Cocaine Cowboys," but at first glance I thought it said "Colon Cowboys."  10 songs total.

Comments: In the booklet, Blackie says they play 3 chord rock, and that's f'n true.  They play the same 3 chords on every fucking song.   It's cool at first but after a while you feel like your in the movie Groundhog Day and your reliving the same song over and over again.  But it's good drinking and driving music and it makes you wanna sacrifice small animals, so I found it decent enough.

KIP WINGER - "Down Incognito"
by Freelance Reporter Kip Tramp

Cover:  5 has-been hunks out of 10. 
The cover makes the CD look like a bootleg. What kind of people work at
Cleopatra? I'd like to see one damn cover NOT done with Corel Draw.

Booklet:  2 has-been hunk out of 10. 
I've got an idea, why doesn't Cleopatra simply start releasing CDs without
inserts? That way we won't have to look at their pathetic, half-assed work, and they can make even more of a profit.

Songs:  5 has-been hunks out of 10.
Kip Winger chose some of his better material for this disc. If you manage to look past all the 80's bullshit, Winger wrote some decent tunes. You get his more artistic work on this disc, plus some of the usual standbys. The rendition of "Miles Away" is pretty cool.

Comments:  I actually liked Kip Winger unplugged far better than cock rock pretty boy Winger.

ROB ZOMBIE - "American Made Music To Strip By"
by Ozzy Stillbourne

Cover:  9 Hobgoblins out of 10. 
The cover had a naked chick on it, but you can't see anything, so I deducted a point for that.  It's a typical Rob Zombie production.

Booklet:  10 Hobgoblins out of 10. 
This is one of the most in-depth CD booklets I've seen in a while.  This isn't the typical CD packaging, it kind of fold out.  There is a green monster that flips you off as you open the book and it has a pentagram on it's stomach, and the caption is "Get Down Muthafucka" so that's pretty fucking metal.  Plus there is a skull with a pentagram, that naked chick from the cover, and a shit load of live concert shots.  The CD itself shows a bunch of drawing and part of the chick's ass, so that's cool as well.  Plenty of evil Rob Zombie drawings, so the crazy dreadlocked fuck put a lot of effort into this so I'll give him 10 out of 10.  You can't go wrong with naked chicks, Satan, and swearing monsters.  Works everytime.

Songs:  6 Hobgoblins out of 10. 
Unlike the cheesy Cleopatra remix albums, these songs sound cool and original.  There are no gay ass techno beats thrown in, it's all totally different stuff.  It's the entire "Hellbilly Deluxe" album remixed, but each song could stand up on it's own.  The songs have the same vocals from "Hellbilly Deluxe," but everything else is all fucked up.  It's good driving music if you suffer from road rage. 

Comments:  This album is a good soundtrack if you want to go on a killing spree.  I'd recommend it if you are either:
A:  A Rob Zombie fan. 
B:  Somebody who likes horror and scary shit.
C:  Satan himself.
C:  A serial killer.