TATTOO RODEO "Rode Hard--Put Away Wet" (1991)
By Klaus Van Pearcy

Cover: 5 what the fucks out of 10.
Talk about an identity crisis. The band name and album title are written in Old West-type script, the background looks like a saloon door and smack dab in the middle of the cover is a bull with one eye covered by a patch. So it's a CD aimed at redneck rockers, right? But the bull's other eye has an evil red glow to it, so maybe it's a CD aimed at head-bangers. Or maybe the red symbolizes the lights in the saloon. Fuck, this is confusing.

Booklet: 5 bar brawls out of 10.
Contains the lyrics and about a billion thank yous. There's also a picture of the band striking its best gritty Southern rock pose in a barn, but guitarist Rick Chadock ruins it with a Bret Michaels-esque bandana. No word on whether or not he was covering up a receding hairline.

Songs: 6 glowing red eyes out of 10.
I actually liked this more than I thought I would. There's a little bit of everything here and most of it is pretty listenable, from the country-tinged hard rock ("Strung Out," "Love Shuffle") to the textbook hair metal songs about loose broads ("Sweet Little Vicki," "Everybody Wants What She's Got," "Blonde Ambition") and, of course, the requisite three power ballads, including the minor hit "Been Your Fool."

Comments: If the hard rock acts on Atlantic's roster in the late '80s and early '90s were all thrown into a blender (you first, Sebitchian), this would be the end result. You can see the suits pitching this one: "Imagine Lynyrd Skynyrd meets Mr. Big meets Winger with a touch of Bad Company and Foreigner thrown in! This is gonna be huge!" Well, it wasn't. Tattoo Rodeo toured briefly with Bad Company and Damn Yankees and promptly disappeared faster than the hair on Gerri Miller's head. It marked the second major label crap-out for Chadock, lead singer/bassist Dennis Churchill-Dries and drummer Rich Wright, all of whom had recorded together as White Sister for EMI in the early '80s. So if my math is right, they're due to bomb again any minute now.