SKRÄPP METTLE "Sensitive" (1991)
by Dana Brittingham

Cover: 6 Ounces of Liquid Marble out of 10
It’s a typical 80s metal album cover. You get the vibe that it’s generic on purpose, and it probably is. Featuring a rotting corpse’s head, not unlike Iron Maiden’s mascot Eddie, but with sunglasses, dangly earrings, and a bandana. Parts of the band’s logo and album title appear in polished steel, riveted metal, and blood. Quite metal looking, but there should be some kind of nudity or something a little more offensive. Surprisingly, this cover does not at all bear the Parental Advisory stamp. Don’t know how they got away with that, but they did!

Booklet: 4 Cups of Baby Paste out of 10
The back cover of the booklet is the exact same thing as the back of the CD packaging itself, which is just a reproduction of the back of the original LP cover. The insert liner notes of this 4-panel booklet are simple black text on a white background. The booklet would’ve earned a much lower rating, but if you take the time to read the thank-yous and production credits, you’ll realize that they’re quite hilarious unto themselves. They also remind you ‘not to shit in your own backyard’ and to ‘please recycle the longbox.’ An extra point goes to these guys for being environmentally conscious.

Songs: 10 Quarts of Oyster Stew of 10
This CD is awesome, and here’s why: it’s pretty much a typical 80s metal-sounding CD, but every single song is about blowing loads, busting nuts, bobbing knobs, creaming jeans, cuffing carrots, dropping goo, draining tubes, shooting wads, splattering poi, spilling spooge, smoking pole, pumping protein, chugging pickles, spraying tonsils, gargling tadpoles, inhaling oysters, and singing into purple microphones. These guys aren’t trying to be nonchalant about it either – with song titles such as “Shoot The Sherbert,” “(Swallow) That Load,” “Pearl Necklace,” “Spunk,” and “Shake The Monster,” it seems pretty obvious to me what the lyrical content is referring to. The singer has a pretty killer metal voice, and seems to be singing in different styles on some of the songs – it even sounds like a totally different singer in some parts. For example, the vocals on “Star Hag” sound quite reminiscent of Jon Bon Jovi, while the singer on “Retire Or Die” is a dead-ringer for David Coverdale. Who could it be? Well, we were never meant to know, because all the players (and even the producers and engineers) on this disc are anonymous, and are therefore credited under fake names (e.g., “Spunk,” “Beef,” “Pounder,” “Snuff Buzzsaw” and “Nastey Gerbil”) to protect their true identities. Hmm… now why does that sound familiar?

Comments: Rumors have circulated for years that people such as Coverdale, Bon Jovi, Billy Idol, Jeff Scott Soto, Dweezil Zappa, a session drummer named Chris Ralles and some producer guy named Charles Pavlovsky were somehow secretly involved in the project, and, in recent years, a few folks out there have either ‘claimed’ or downright admitted to being associated with this recording. Well, what’s the truth? Who are the people responsible for this lampoon of 80s metal clichés? Do you really want to know? Well DO YOUR OWN FUCKING RESEARCH!!! I’m sure as hell not going to tell you. Everyone knows the music industry is run by the mob and I sure the fuck don’t want to get my legs broken over a band named ‘Skräpp Mettle.’ You fuckers think I’d spill that easily? Not even if someone shoved a glass catheter into my cock-hole and threatened to drop a brick on it!

(To be honest, if I find myself in a situation in which someone’s actually holding a brick above my schlong, I might very well change my mind. But it’s the principle of keeping a secret that counts.)

All in all, Sensitive is a party rock album that’s both celebrating and spoofing the entire genre. Not unlike Metal Shop’s Hole Patrol, these tunes are, overall, catchy rock songs, with excellent musicianship and killer vocals. And the lyrical content is simply hilarious. The bottom line is that every Sludgeaholic should own this CD, period. But good luck finding it – it’s been out of print for years.