PREDICTIONS FOR THE YEAR 2000!!
It's that time of year again!! 1999 is coming to a close and the year 2000 is right around the corner. So we thought we'd look into our crystal ball and tell you some of the things to expect in the year Y2K. And just like last year, we went that extra mile to tell you the EXACT date these events will occur. You won't find any predictions that are as specific or as accurate as ours. All of our predictions from last year happened, so this year probably won't be any different.
January 1: Eric Brittingham will make a New Year's resolution to stay out of the hospital this year.
January 5: Marilyn Manson, Robbie Crane, and Kelly Nickles will all celebrate their birthdays today. Manson and Crane will turn 31, Nickles will turn 36. Marilyn will celebrate by doing what he does everyday, worship Satan, bang Rose McGowan, and count his money. Robbie Crane will spend the day trying to figure out what Sunset Strip bands he hasn't played with yet, and Kelly Nickles will realize he's 36 and still in L.A. Guns, get on a motorcycle, and drive himself into a wall.
January 7: Scientists will improve the quality of life when they isolate the gene that causes people to purchase Slaughter albums.
January 9: Phil Lewis will turn 38 and quit L.A. Guns. ALF, the furry alien from the TV show, will become the new singer for L.A. Guns.
January 10: Paris, France, sues Perris Records because Paris says that Perris Records is giving them an even worse reputation than they already have.
January 14: Jani Lane, Bret Michaels, and David Lee Roth will all sign on as the new Budweiser frogs. Their new gimmick will be a commercial where Dave says "We're", Jani says "Bald", and Bret says "ing".
January 18: Jonathan Davis will turn 30 and receive a call from Eddie Vedder. Vedder says, "Quit being a whiny bitch and ripping off my gimmick!"
January 19: Kid Rock and Bobby Rock will admit they love each other and get married. Neither will have to change their last name. A few weeks later, they will adopt Chris Rock as their son.
January 20: Paul Stanley will turn 48 and still not figure out that most 48 year old men don't wear spandex, rub their ass, suck on their finger, or wear clown makeup.
January 25: Deadline/Cleopatra will release the Roxy Blue's "Latest & Greatest."
January 26: Eddie Van Halen will turn 45, look in the mirror and say, "What the fuck happened to me?"
January 31: Sebastian Bach will become so delusional in his bragging, he'll announce that he actually gave birth to Rachel Bolan.
February 1st: Jani Lane will turn 36, which is 101 in frog years.
February 3: It will be revealed that the face on the Shroud of Turin is really Peter Criss.
February 6: Axl Rose will turn 38 but still act like he's 18.
February 7: Van Halen will announce their new vocalist is Hank The Angry Drunken Drawf. Hank will quit the band soon after because he feels Eddie is even more of an angry drunk than he is.
February 8: Vince Neil will turn 39 and look more like Sam Kinison than the year before.
February 14: Tommy Lee will celebrate Valentine's Day with Pamela by taking her out to a romantic dinner at Church's Fried Chicken, renting the movie Boys N The Hood, drinking some Colt 45s, and then powerbombing Pam through a table covered in thumbtacks.
February 15: Gerri Miller will be a contestant on the new ABC show, "Who Wants to be a Woman?"
February 22: Union's new CD will come out and go onto set a new record. Not for sales, but for the number of people who don't care.
February 25: Deadline/Cleopatra will release Wildside's "Latest & Greatest."
March 1: Methods Of Mayhem will open for Young M.C, Tone Loc, Sir Mix A Lot, Kid N Play, and Vanilla Ice on the "Washed Up, Whack Ass, Played Out Tour."
March 4: During a concert in Dallas, Texas, Stephen Pearcy will actually sing half the songs in key.
March 8: Lit will file a restraining order against Jani Lane when he's caught hiding in one of their tour cases.
March 15: Bret Michaels will turn 37 but have the hairline of a 73 year old.
March 21: The new singer of Van Halen will be Jesse Camp. Also in the news, the sky will fill with locusts, the polar ice caps will melt, the moon will turn into cheese, and hell will freeze over.
March 25: Deadline/Cleopatra will release Susie Hatton's "Latest & Greatest."
March 29: Donnie Vie will turn 34 and not receive any birthday cards from anyone in Ratt.
March 31: Erik Turner will turn 35 and still be in Warrant.
April 1: Metal Sludge will out themselves with an appearance on the Howard Stern show.
April 3: Mick Mars will turn 72
and announce his new endorsement deal with Depends Adult Diapers.
Also on April 3rd, Sebastian Bach will turn 32, but instead tell people he turned 22, to go along with the 22 million records he supposedly sold.
April 6: Kiss will do one last farewell/reunion tour for the 4th year in a row.
April 9: Sevendust will change their name to Eightdirt.
April 15: Scott Weiland will be released from jail.
April 16: Scott Weiland will be arrested for drug possession and thrown back in jail.
April 27: Ace Frehley will turn 48, but Gene will take all his birthday money & presents saying the presents are for KISS the band, and not an individual member.
May 5: Plants the world over will stop producing oxygen in an attempt to rid the earth of Slaughter.
May 7: Black
Sabbath will do their last reunion/farewell tour for the 3rd year in a row.
May 10: Gerri Miller will appear on Guinness for the largest, darkest & thickest glasses to ever be worn by a human.
May 12: Eric Singer will turn 42 and and announce to the world that he's never sat on a drum throne his whole career. He was merely standing up behind the drum kit the whole time since he's actually only 4 feet tall.
May 17: Warrant will go out on tour and play the same 15 clubs in the Midwest they've been playing since 1993.
May 22: After a bad show, Tracii Guns will fire himself from L.A. Guns.
May 25: Deadline/Cleopatra will release Cycle Slut's From Hell "Latest & Greatest."
May 26: The offices of Deadline/Cleopatra will be blown up and destroyed.
May 29: The public demands that Poison tour for 3 years straight. Not because they love the music, but to keep Bret too busy to make movies.
June 2: King Diamond, Jim Gillette from Nitro and Mike Matijevic from Steelheart will all tour together on the "Fingernails On The Chalkboard Tour."
June 6: Rick Allen will admit that he really never lost his arm. It was all a gimmick and was just hidden under his shirt for all these years.
June 11: After visiting a zoo, security stops Kevin DuBrow on the way out and says, "Sir, can you please take that badger off your head. That isn't suppose to leave the park."
June 23: Joey Allen will turn 36 and form Warrant 2000, featuring all the Ex-members of Warrant. Joey and Rick Steier will be on guitar, Steven Sweet, Bobby Borg and Vikki Foxx will all rotate on the drums, the singer will be original Warrant singer Adam Shore, and the bass player will be a cardboard cutout, which just so happens to play even better than Jerry Dixon. Also today, Chris Holmes will turn 39 but have the liver of a 98 year old man.
July 1: Ozzy Osbourne will announce his retirement and do a farewell tour for the 6th time.
July 3: Stephen Pearcy will turn 40 but will be too lazy to blow out the candles on his cake.
July 4: Mark Slaughter will turn 36.....but only if Dana Strum gives him permission to do so.
July 7: An even more shocking home videotape of Pamela and Tommy Lee will come out. This one features Tommy speaking normal English and Pamela doing adding and subtracting.
July 12: Poison will announce that their new record will be delayed till 2001 due to frontman Bret Michaels latest stint as a solo artist/actor/director/producer/editor/stuntman/doctor/line chef/Indian chief/poet/priest/dj/vj/salesman/secretary/race car driver and pole-vaulter.
July 15: After seeing the success that Jizzy Pearl had with his cameras in his house, Tracii Guns also installs cameras in his house. Unfortunately, Tracii is too short and can never be seen on camera.
July 23: Warrant takes the stage in front of 20,000 people at a Metallica show. Security guards see them though and make them return to their seats.
August 2: Charles Manson is finally released from prison when the parole board cannot satisfactorily answer his question, "What makes me any worse than Dana Strum?"
August 4: Paul Stanley, David Lee Roth, Phil Anselmo, and Gary Cherone will all tour together in a tour called "In The Closet Tour 2000."
August 9: Orgy will come out and admit they have a lot in common with Rob Halford, Freddy Mercury, and Liberace.
August 11: Bigfoot is captured in the woods of Washington State, and press from the world over flock to the scene. However, people are disappointed to find out that it wasn't Bigfoot, but Gerri Miller on a hiking trip.
August 18: Blas Elias will turn 33 but not even know it.
August 25: Gene Simmons will turn 51. He will then rip off Prince and change his name to a symbol. Gene's new name will be $
August 26: Axl Rose, not wanting to be outdone by Gene Simmons, changes his name to this symbol :(
August 30: In a horrible accident after a Kid Rock show, Vince Neil will accidentally eat Joe C.
September 1: METAL SLUDGE will celebrate it's 2nd birthday by announcing that Metal Sludge will start it's own L.A. club every Sunday night and call it Club Sludge. The house band will be consisted of Jizzy Pearl on vocals, Joey Allen and Stuart Smith on guitars, Eric Brittingham on bass, and Bobby Blotzer on drums. Some of the "huge rock stars" on hand will include Stefan Adika, Eric Singer, Ryan Roxie, Lonnie Vencent, some members of Hair Of The Dog, and even Brent Fitz and Jamie Hunting from Union!!!
September 2: Metallica will release their acoustic / poetry album and go on tour playing Starbuck's all across the US. Jewel will open for them.
September 10: Joe Perry will turn 50 and still look better than most of the washed up 30 something ex-Metal Edge pinup boys.
September 13: Jani Lane & Warrant will have a huge hit with "Cherry Pie". Oops, that was a prediction for 1990, not 2000. Sorry.
September 15: Jerry Dixon will turn 33 and realize he has absolutely no clue who the guitar player is in Warrant this week.
September 18: Lita Ford will celebrate her birthday today and officially start going through menopause.
September 20: Judas Priest will announce a reunion tour with Pantera as the support band. Rob & Phil will share a tour bus.
September 23: C.C. DeVille will form another side project that's choke full of rejects from the old FM Station.
October 3: Tommy Lee will turn 38 and celebrate by takin' his homies out in his lowrider and bouncin' through the streets of Compton while poppin' his gat. At that time, all the LA Gangs will stop their fighting and join together to beat the fuck out of Tommy.
October 8: Rick Steier will turn the big 4-0! And nobody will give a shit.
October 10: David Lee Roth will turn 45 and realize that it's been 25 years since he came up with anything original to say on stage.
October 12: Rammstein will hire Robbie Crane to play bass. He's played with everyone else, why not?
October 13: Sammy Hagar will turn 52 and still have more hair and sing better than most 30 year olds.
October 17: Buckcherry and Orgy will be seen on VH-1's "Where Are They Now?"
October 22: Sebastian Bach will wake up and realize that his 15 minutes of fame had ended in 1991.
October 27: John Glenn's record as the oldest man in space will be broken when an exploding amplifier sends Mick Mars hurtling into space.
October 29: Kevin DuBrow will turn 44. His wig will turn 10.
October 31: Dave Mustaine wins a Halloween contest for best costume when he shows up dressed as somebody who can sing.
November 3: Axl Rose will announce that the original Guns N Roses is getting back together, except without Steven Adler, Duff McKagan, Izzy Stradlin, or Slash. Otherwise, it will be all original members.
November 7: Jealous of the success the Marvelous 3 have had, Jesse Harte starts his own band called the Untalented 1.
November 11: Paul Gargano will get married, settle down and have beautiful baby. However, the child will have both sets of sex organs, so it would only seem right to name the baby Gerri Miller Gargano.
November 15: In time for the holiday season, Kiss will release a coffee table book all about their other coffee table books. The Kiss Army of jackasses will all rush out and buy it.
November 20: Bastard Boy Floyd will join the WWF as Chris Jericho's long lost twin brother. He will help Chris to win the WWF World Title, only to leave a few weeks later when he loses a Hell In A Cell Match to the returning Gobbledygooker.
November 23: Today will be Thanksgiving and Rikki Rockett will not eat a turkey.
November 26: John Kalodner will put together yet another Superband. This time it will feature the ghosts of Cliff Burton on bass, Tim Kelly on guitar, Eric Carr on drums, and Jizzy Pearl on vocals. Despite the fact that Jizzy isn't dead, Kalodner figures Jizzy's career is so that he why he is put into the band.
December 3: Jesse Camp will be heard saying, "paper or plastic?"
December 6: Jerry Dixon will generously contribute his blood to a blood drive. However, the recipient of his blood will die of alcohol poisoning.
December 11: Nikki Sixx will turn 42 and say that if any member of Motley Crue quits the band, they will call it a day.
December 12: Mick Mars quits Motley Crue, and Nikki gets his son Gunner to replace him and Motley Crue continues on.
December 13: Dana Strum will turn 42 and continue to manipulate Blas, Mark, and his legion of stupid followers
December 18: Marilyn Manson will change his name to Charles Monroe.
December 20: Peter Criss will appear with on the Today Show so Willard Scott can wish him a happy 100th birthday.
December 21: Gene Simmons will find out that Richard Simmons is his long lost brother. Gene will then hook Richard up with Paul Stanley.
December 26: Lars Ulrich will turn 37 but only have 36 strands of hair left on his head. He will then get offered a role in the movie "Dungeons & Dragons", as Lars The Troll. The director chooses him because Lars won't need any makeup to look like a troll.
December 24: Lemmy's mole will throw Lemmy a surprise birthday party at the Rainbow for his 55th birthday.
December 25: Sebastian Bach will announce that millions of kids all over the world would much rather be visited by him than Santa Claus, because Santa hasn't sold nearly the number of records that he has.
December 28: Confidence in the U.S. dollar will plummet after the motto "In God We Trust" is changed to "Where The Down Boys Go."
December 31: At midnight, every computer all over the world will crash because they figure humans won't be expecting it. "It would have been too obvious to do it last year, so we did it this year," says one computer. Metal Sludge will be totally erased and eventually have to start all over again, but this time under the name, "Jazz Sludge", which is a page dedicated to sludge on Jazz musicians. Interest in the new page is small and it fails within 6 weeks. None of the staff members are ever heard from again.