World Premiere of the Kurt Krash Kilmister Kolumn.
"When is this KK Kilmister dick gonna get here? I wanna see what this prick looks like."
"Ahhh – Beavis, he’s got shit to do. So just shut it and read his intro ya douche nozzle."
"We want to be the band that if we moved in next door to you, your lawn would die." – Lemmy
"I want to be the type of guy that if I move next door to you, I’ll masturbate all over your lawn while fantasizing about your grandmother and end up with a restraining order, which I will violate." – Kurt Krash Kilmister
The past is gone, and the future won’t happen since we’re all going to die in 2012 or OD before then anyway. I’ve been told that the best way to stop drinking is to reduce it over a period of time, but fuck that. Indulge and not abstain, my mother told me as she snorted another line. It’s the reason why this "column" has taken me two fuckin weeks to complete instead of the two hours I promised it would. Take that Axl! Fuck you and your "memory stick". At least I’m not having Mixmaster Mike open a show for me.
Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, hookers and transvestites, I am KKK – Kurt Krash Kilmister. My mom was a slut and named me after her biggest "influences". I’m not sure if that has something to do with their cock size or not, but that’s the story behind my name.
It was a few months ago when I just got out of rehab for the 16th time (and about 6 months until I go back) when I was contacted to put some sludge back into Metal Sludge. Great things are in store kids, but unfortunately those great things are not bitches, money, drugs or hard liquor. When you find out you’ve won a prize and I’d show up at your door, that’s exactly how I felt when I was told I get to sludge you bitches.
In the short time I’ve been here (or maybe I came back? I don’t remember), I’ve learned that nobody cleans their shit up around here. That fuckin bitch boy floyd is #1 on this shitlist. Somebody has to go through the thousands and thousands of emails in this fuckin mailbag that have been left from over the years, and unfortunately it’s going to be me. I won’t tell you what else he’s left in this mailbag, but I can tell you the smell is revolting, especially after it’s been sitting around for years now. I’d try to describe it for you, but you can just imagine your favorite washed up hairband on stage singing the same shitty ballad in the same shitty voice in front of 7 shitty fat chicks, and it might give you a small idea. Hoo fuckin woo, that’s what happens when bastard boy floyd gets a new job working the overnight shift at White Castle. It’s like he planned it this way to get revenge on me.
I’ll still see him from time to time. We’ll usually check out bitches on PornHub in his step sister’s trailer since she has wifi now. Kind of awesome to see porn in motion again, instead of 4 freeze frames with dialup. Fucking high class Walmart skanks. Just because she has a Walmart name tag, she thinks she’s hot shit. She makes me want to bang her while she’s awake and fully conscious. Lemmy knows I’ve tried while she’s asleep, but you don’t get too far with two fuckin pit bulls in bed with you. I swear, the next time she plays Dangerous Toys or Tigertailz when I’m in the room, I’m going to mount her like Rob Halford after a Gay Pride gig. Kind of fucked up that anybody could be remotely sexually attracted to a relative of banana boy floyd, but that’s what’s crazy about bestiality sometimes. I’m almost certain he jacks off in my bacon cheeseburger. Whatever. I can deal with eating a jizzburger, although I’m not gay. "Gay" as in homogay here, and not "gay" as in "this sucks" type of gay. Whether you think I’m gay ("this sucks" gay) or I’m gay (homogay), all that matters is that your lazy eyes are reading this page. I get paid in beer money, so the more you read and share me like a dirty whore on Twitbook or Facejizz or wherever kids go today, the better we’ll all be. (I’ll probably end up drinking Bud Light though, so jokes on me. If you like Bud Light, leave now and drink your own urine. It’s better.) I have my contact information at the bottom too, and I hope I get more entertainment than the shit I’ve found in this mailbag so far. ("Shit" as in letters, emails and pictures, and not "shit" as in feces. Don’t send me feces again. I’m fuckin serious.)
Has anybody seen Lemmy’s documentary? Fucking awesome, and I’m not just saying that because I might be related to him. Lemmy gives hope to those of us who are hopelessly ugly bitches when it comes to getting laid. The only difference is that he’s Lemmy, and we’re not. Fuck, there’s always a catch. In the time it took you to read this sentence, Lemmy probably fucked two bitches. At the same time. I’m not gay, but if Lemmy told me to suck his cock… I’m not gay. Not gay. Totally not. FYI, Lemmy just fucked another bitch. I read that Lemmy noticed another kid in school who had a guitar and was surrounded by chicks, so Lemmy ended up doing the same thing with the same results. I always dreamed of having some slut come up to me and ask to suck my cock simply because I have a guitar, but the only thing I’ve gotten from them so far is "soooo you don’t have a job?" Maybe it’s the Jack? He drinks a bottle of it every day, and believe me I’ve tried that. I end up waking up in some trailer park I’ve never seen with no idea how I got there and no idea why I have no pants and no idea why my ass hurts. So if I do shit like that you won’t be reading another column from me for another month. Maybe that’s what you’ll want anyway.
So for all of you unemployed tards reading this now, or those of you reading this at work that are going to be unemployed very soon since you’re practically useless and are going to be replaced by illegal immigrants from Mexico who will do your job for $3.50 an hour, HELLO! In Spanglish, HOLA! That’s kind of like HOLLA, so if you are a "gangsta" reading this, it’s good that you’re trying to get into metal instead of that faggotry you call rap music. "Jay-Z, I will Jizz-He. Jizz on he. While listening to Jizzy. Jizzy Pearl." FUCK! I’m awesome! Where’s my fucking award? Anyway, if I wasn’t on a dial-up modem, I’d speed the process up by uploading huge porn images to show up on your screen without giving you the little pussy NSFW warning. You should be fired for reading this anyway. Read something constructive like a Playboy or Hustler Magazine or watch Porn Hub. I know all of you pimply-faced, lazy eyed geeks and freaks read those fuckin articles. Don’t lie to me!
I hope you enjoy my virtual soapbox, or I hope it helps you pass the day at the call center you’re working at a little more. I invite your questions about anything in life as well as your Hate Mail. Yes it’s my hope that I actually will receive Hate Mail. When kids in 5th grade wrote "I want to be a doctor or lawyer" in the yearbook, I wrote "i wunt 2 recive h8 male sum day". What can I say? I was advanced for my age (except when it came to the size of my penis). You have to be when you’re the only teenager in grade school.
So fuck you very much, and thank you for your cyber company. It’s very lonely sometimes here.