JIZZY PEARL TOUR DIARY
Jizzy Pearl is currently travelling all over the country on the Rock Never Stops tour, fronting Ratt as they tour with Quiet Riot, Firehouse, and headliners Cinderella. Whenver he feels compelled to do so, Jizzy will be sending us updates from the road.
Apparently some girls do not appreciate the finer aspects of my shit humor. I receive daily accolades from all the guys but the girls don’t think it’s too funny. It’s a “guy thing”, like watching the Three Stooges or Monty Python. Anything to do with bodily fluids or bodily functions are off-limits and that means shit, piss, farts, pussy farts, earwax, smegma, gig butt, gig Ring, gig-related Yeast Complex, Yeast in General, bad breath, vomit, blood & Ass Hole. Pussy that smells like fish or sulphur…a no-no. Meat Curtains, Baloney Drapes, saloon doors, tacos, blow jobs, rim jobs, cupcakes and the ever popular Cleveland Steamer. Talking about any of these–bad. Talking about Tom Kiefer’s lips…good. Sodomy—bad. Fred Coury’s drumming—good. I see how it is.
Today I tried to go online at the hotel and I couldn’t get on my jizzypearl.com site. The site had been restricted by something called the “Net Nanny”, for bad content. Bad content. All because of my name and the ugly implications said name has, Jizzy=Jizm=Cum=Semen=BAD….Warren Demartini’s guitar playing—good. Jesus, what next.
July 17th– Today I sit at something called the Riverfest in WI. There is a river next door, hence the fancy name. Not so sure about the “fest” portion but we shall see. Instead of the usual union loaders we have convicted criminals on a work release program, all dressed in attractive gray jumpsuits emblazoned with the word COUNTY. Some of these guys are quite scary but they love their rock and roll. The guy handing me my microphone gutted his high school teacher and hung her on a hook. He also has a nice smile. The dreadlocked gentleman at the monitor board showed up for a wedding dressed in his best friend’s skin. The prisoners are Lojacked so if anyone makes a run for the river they will be cut down in a hail of bullets and fried cheese curds.
This has been a week of outdoor festivals. Cadott, WI., Moondance in Minn. And now here at Riverfest. The weather has been very HOT and we suffer on stage in our tight black jeans aka wetsuits. The heat and direct sunlight has a debilitating effect on us old guys especially after sustained bouts of drinking the night before. The fans however have a sweet deal, they bring their campers and RV’s and stay for up to three days. A VIP ticket gives them unlimited free beer and choice seating and after drinking all day and watching cock rock they get to stagger back to their respective tents and hump like sweaty dirty otters. Everyone is baked bright red by the sun and seem very happy, they take their camping very seriously and some RV’s come complete with outdoor gazebos, picket fences, stripper poles and K-Y jelly wrestling. I’m sure it gets pretty Roman after dark, pretty extreme. Like the Renaissance Faires of Old, people ripping into oversize turkey legs, steins of beer, voluptuous wenches baring their sunburned titties and barking at the Moon. Fuckin-A. Other than the blistering heat we had a good time. UFO played with us at Cadott and the music took me on a journey back to my stoned Immaculate Youth. Phil Mogg looked awesome and sang great. Lights Out, Love to Love you, Rock Bottom…what a catalog.
Moondance Jam—20,000 people showed up for this outdoor/camper jam. I walked out into the field before the show and checked out the beads and the trinkets. I also saw an Army tent and an Army Hummer parked next to it; recruitment obviously. Just when you thought it was safe to go to a concert Iraq rears it ugly head. The Hummer had a huge boom box stereo in the back, I guess that makes the Army “cool”. I wasn’t fooled.
The gig was good fun. Whitesnake showed up and they were amazing. I met Reb Beach and Doug Alrich and they were both extremely cool people, no egos. Alrich played with Dio for a while and we talked about that. Did I mention I was friends with Ronnie Dio? Great guy, great singer, a legend, definitely a mentor to me and I respect him like no other. If only he had used his voice for Good instead of Evil…ah well, too late for the both of us. Then I got to meet David Coverdale and THAT was a moment. Fuck…the guy sang “Burn”. Warren introduced me to him and me being a little buzzed tried not to fuck things up by being ME. We all watched the band from the side of the stage and got “schooled’—they were fucking great. Between sets there was a ceremony for veterans, some flags were unfurled and several gentlemen came out in uniform. Although I am against the war in Iraq I have the utmost respect for the soldier and all received my due attention. A Blackhawk helicopter flew acrobatics over the crowd and it was great until he flew too low to the merch booth and sent thousands of dollars of money and T-shorts straight up into the air. Oops. We missed Twisted Sister because we had a long drive but I spoke to Dee Snider and told him that I watched his show on MTV. He looked great, the guy has got to be in his 50’s but he was skinnier than me. Some girls wanted us to hang out after the show promising all sorts of K-Y related nonsense but we declined; probably for the best. My new record comes out on Tuesday the 19th and I got a huge bump from my friends Wendell and Chris at the Classic metal show…not without a little controversy I might add. I was just poking a little fun, I meant no harm. Blabbermouth is a great site, shit half the posts on this gossip board are just straight out cut-and-pastes from blabbermouth. Maybe that beats the hell out of such inspiring topics as “Hagar vs. Roth?” or “Any Stryper fans out there?”….my commentary thus endeth.
P.S. — met RPBitch at the Riverfest. And Frog and some other girl whose name escapes me but she did look hot pissing on that tree…
Jizzy tries to eat RPBitch at the Riverfest! After 8 hours in the 100 degree heat, she probably tasted kinda salty. Yum.
Speaking of Riverfest, here’s that namelss chick doing her thing behind a tree.