JIZZY PEARL TOUR DIARY
Jizzy Pearl is currently travelling all over the country on the Rock Never Stops tour, fronting Ratt as they tour with Quiet Riot, Firehouse, and headliners Cinderella. Whenver he feels compelled to do so, Jizzy will be sending us updates from the road.
We meet again, you and I…the Internet, the damned Internet. Another year and another tour. 2005, Michael Jackson just got free, more US soldiers dead in Iraq for “freedom” and another useless week discussing the Runway Bride’s Runaway Eye. Bored, boring… bored to death. What are we gonna talk about now that the former King of Pop/ child groper/ Alien-looking/ fucking creep weirdo just got free, our heli-cams watching him as he raced back to Neverland Ranch for his first carefree ride on the swings in a year and a double shot of Jesus juice? What the fuck are we gonna do now? — I guess we’re gonna read my new tour diary.
My last tour diary was the Cock Rockfest of 2002, a spirited gathering of old farts jumping and leaping and drinking and fucking all summer long. There were tales I told and tales I couldn’t tell, tales of dark drunken back lounge orgies and blow jobs and the bus making a speedy getaway in the morning with the strains of “Dueling Banjos” playing in the distance. LA Guns had Tracii Guns then, Warrant had Jani lane—so many friends and so many good times. There was lust, degradation, the spent condoms flew from the bus antennae like Sioux war trophies. But that was then… and this is now.
This tour is gonna be different, Already I can tell you that most of the guys are sober
So that means that there is much less of a likelihood of seeing anyone bending a female fan over a bush or water spout and entering her rectally. Probably not gonna be any back lounge orgies goin’ on, wild camera angles and loud music blaring as the camcorder is passed from hand to greasy hand. Maybe a late night jam or two, that would be cool…
I think most of us are burnt from the excesses of our occupational lifestyle, year after year, where bad behavior and drunkenness are allowed and mostly encouraged. We don’t want to wake up in our bunks every morning looking like Mrs. Doubtfire, sleeping in our gig clothes, smelling of smoke, cheap perfume and an unidentified pelvic funk. Looking and feeling OLD, the vodka and the red wine etching it’s way into fine lines that turn into wrinkles that turn into sunken chuckle-cheeks…it’s all downhill after 40.
Some of you are going to be disappointed by this, after all this is metal SLUDGE and you pay to hear the dirt…I can dig that. But it’s not all our faults, you know. The quality of the Female has slowed down a bit, what used to pass for thin bacon strips is now HAM, real ham, thick and juicy. It is a chauvinistic world out there where men get old and dignified and women just get old… it sucks but what are ya gonna do. Eat less, I guess. Or drink more.
I already knew Firehouse and Quiet Riot from previous tours, all stand-up guys, all sober… sorry, no orgies happening there. I met Cinderella a few times in the past but never toured with them. We’re four gigs in and so far so good. They are very musical and Tom’s voice sounds just like the records. They’ve brought three semi-trucks full of sound, lights, and pyro so be prepared for all the bells and whistles in the name of Rock. I think they are all sober or married so no orgies there either. Which leaves us, RATT, the one with two “T’s” – I think I’m the only single guy in RATT, maybe the only single guy on the tour actually, all the rest are married, betrothed or dead from the waist down. So the question you’re asking yourself is “ISN’T ANYBODY GOING TO BE FUCKING ON THIS TOUR?” —“ If I show up in my black push-up bra, scratch ‘n’ sniff panties and a packet of Pop Rocks going off in my mouth will I get any action?” — Good question….one I cannot answer. What I can say is that the tour is good, the music is loud, Firehouse songs will make you remember the FIRST time you got married, Kevin Dubrow will sing and dance his way into your hearts, Cinderella will blow you away with their musical catalog and I will swing from my stripper pole and aim to please. So move away from the keyboard, wipe the mustard off your chin, put your leather pants on and come on down to the show.
P.S.—first two shows in Montana, good—some technical difficulties, getting the bugs out of the production, people bumping into one another etc.
—Did a benefit at a bowling alley before the third Lincoln NE show for ALS, Lou Gehrig’s disease. I bowled like I had Lou Gehrig’s Disease so I made a hasty getaway…
—Last show was in Denver at an outdoor tent, very cool, many people screaming, the skyline in the backround… after the show I went out into the audience and a pretty girl in red leather asked me if she could blow me while her husband watched… I declined.