BASTARD BOY FLOYD GOES A.W.O.L.
What in the fuck has gotten into bastard boy floyd lately? He?s been rather insolent these past few weeks, blowing off a good chunk of his normal responsibilities. This has unfortunately made it necessary for the rest of the staff to have to track him down several times a week, only to hound him to get his shit done.
Some of you may have just happened to run into floyd in Sludge Chat recently, only to see floyd getting chased out of Chat by an angry Jani Bon Neil. On several occasions, Jani?s had to to corral floyd into submission so he gets his projects completed. Everyone who witnesses such an occurrence thinks that Jani?s being mean to floyd, but the truth is, Metal Sludge is a machine, with a very tight publication schedule at that. We know the Sludgeaholics are expecting a new 20 Questions every Tuesday, SludgeScans on Wednesdays, and SludgeWires, reviews, Mail Bags, Rewinds, 3-Winds, and all the other shit we entertain you people with week after week. So if floyd fucks off and doesn?t do his part, it fucks it up for everyone else on the staff and we have to pick up the slack, which pretty much pisses everyone off.
But that?s just the least of it.
A few months back, bastard boy floyd started taking 3-hour lunch breaks, leaving work a few hours early on Fridays, and even missed an entire Monday one week. When Taime ?Sex? Slaughter confronted him about it, floyd claimed that he’d been spending long weekends at the local pick-a-part junkyard. He said that the ice cream truck was all jacked up and needs new hubcaps, mirrors, and a tail light. The funny thing is, the entire staff knows that the taillight has been out since 2 summers ago when floyd backed into Slaughter?s tour bus, which happened right outside the Key Club in Hollywood! Wonder if Slaughter knows this.
Anyhow, a week or so before our recent Metal Sludge Extravaganza 9, floyd and his ice cream truck both went missing for several days. He didn?t give anyone any warning, didn?t say where he was going… he just up and left. This was very unlike the normally trustworthy simian-eyed bastard. We came to learn that floyd hooked up his trailer to the ice cream truck and headed out to the desert. Apparently, floyd had been inspired to do so after watching the Doors movie. He thought he was Val Kilmer going out to the Mojave to ?find himself? or something. Who the fuck knows, but he was gone for a week, and that?s why some shit was stacking up.
Now that floyd thinks he?s Val Kilmer, he?s starting to act all ?jet set.? He again disappeared for several days, even leaving his paycheck in his office mailbox (which we still have, if anyone feels like forging a signature in crayon? it?ll net you $16.43!) This time, we had our interns Paris Pearl and Josie Hilton follow him. (Stalkerish of us, we know, but we were really kind of worried about floyd.) By having him tailed, we learned that floyd had been jetting off to Europe once every few months, trying to jump-start his modeling career. Paris and Josie shadowed him all the way to a place called Mallorca, which is an island off the coast of Spain. For who knows how long, the pigtailed bastard has been posing for different tourist trinkets and such. Here?s proof! We got the following postcard sent to us from Alex from The Eruptors, who did 10 Questions with us back on 5/8/04:
Thanks for the card, Alex!
Anyway, in addition to his modeling career, we recently learned that bastard boy floyd made a cameo in a music video. None of the staff knew about it, but we can?t figure out why floyd would want to keep it a secret. It seems that some super hot new band called Group X has been getting mass airplay everywhere, with their smash song "Schfiftyfive." In Spain, the video is surpassing Michael Jackson?s "Thriller" for most plays ever in the history of video, and it now it seems to have turned floyd into a superstar. (At least on the island of Mallorca.)
Lastly, we got several reports in that bastard boy floyd has started his own blog at MySpace. We don?t think he?s branching out on his own or anything, but he feels the need to have his own ?space? for ranting instead of doing it here at Metal Sludge. Well, floyd spent all weekend clicking on profiles of hot chicks and random people and adding them to his friends list. And who wouldn?t want to get an e-mail saying ?BastardBoyFloyd wants to be your friend!? Come to think of it, that probably freaked some people out, but who knows.
The new hot rumor is that floyd is trying to surpass that guy Tom at MySpace for having the most friends. So anyone out there who feels like they want to be internet buddies with floyd, you might as well show some Sludge love and tell everyone you know to add him to their friends list. He already has an ass load of friends, and several hot pieces of ass. At this rate, floyd’s going to be bigger than Mark McGrath & Geroge Clooney. Just you watch and see!
So late last night, the entire staff (well, those of us who weren?t hosting the Metal Sludge Radio show, heard every Sunday night at 9 p.m. EST, 6 p.m. PST on XM Satellite Radio channel 41, The Boneyard) all got togther tried to confront floyd all intervention-style. We all showed up at his trailer unannounced, intending to totally catch him off guard. Nobody wanted to invade floyd?s privacy, ?cause God knows what floyd does in his trailer, but we had to do it. But when we showed up, floyd was nowhere to be found. He had left his door open, the place inside was a disaster, and there was some kind of strange midget/zebra porn site still on his computer screen. Apparently he had just abandoned his trailer for destinations unknown. Probably Mallorca again, but we can?t begin to understand what goes on in that head of floyd?s.
We hope that floyd?s recent successes won?t change him, but him ditching us like this is really getting kind of lame. We have a killer 20 Questions to go up on Tuesday, and just in time for Halloween! Since the interview was done via audio, floyd was supposed to transcribe it for us, but he didn?t do shit. So now we?re all going to have to bust ass to get it done in time to post. Thanks floyd!
The Staff @ Metal Sludge
bbf = missing like sobriety on a Warant tour