The Adventures of Maul Stanley
In case you hadn’t already noticed, the entire planet has gone Star Wars crazy!
With the sixth and final movie coming out in a few days, Star Wars is just about everywhere right now — on magazine covers, in toy stores, at fast food restaurants, on our television screens, in our breakfast cereals, everywhere! Even the Kiss Army has become a Clone Army, with Eric Singer and Tommy Thayer done up to replicate Peter Criss and Ace Frehley. As such, we at Metal Sludge figured we’d have some fun with the whole Star Wars phenomenon before it all goes away once and for all.
Toward that end, we recently received a cryptic e-mail from someone calling himself "Maul Stanley." You heard right: Maul Stanley! We have no idea who he is or what this is all about, but we thought it was entertaining enough to share with our Sludgeaholics. Plus, it’s Friday the 13th and a slow news day. It seems that Maul Stanley attended something called Star Wars Celebration III during the weekend of April 21-24, supposedly the largest Star Wars gathering in history. Star Wars actors, artists, props, special effects presentations, fans in costume… you get the idea.
Anyway, here’s the e-mail sent in to us by Maul Stanley, followed by a bunch of Star Wars captures he acquired while attending the convention:
I am Maul Stanley.
I am Unholy, twisted and evil.
I am Almost Human, seduced by the Dark Side.
I am a Creature of the Night, from a wretched hive of scum and villainy.
I am the Man of 1,000 Faces and the War Machine, more machine now than man.
I am the Phantom Menace of the Park, and I embody the worst of both worlds.
I am Starchild and Sith. I am the Sithchild.
I am not Darth Maul.
I am not Paul Stanley.
I am evil, and yet I rock.
Ummm… okay! Whatever you say, SpongeBob TightPants! Maul Stanley here seems to incorporate elements of Star Wars with elements of Kiss, which we have to admit is actually pretty clever. Who has time to think of these things? Here are the photos documenting Maul Stanley’s Star Wars adventure, along with some captions we made up (since we don’t have a clue as to who most of these people are).
Maul Stanley captures an Imperial Stormtrooper!
Maul Stanley and the Star Wars robots, ZZ-TOP and OU-812.
Maul Stanley captures the clone of George Lucas!
Maul Stanley faces off against an irate Zakk Wylde!
Maul Stanley captures CNN’s Wolf Blitzer.
Jimi Hendrix as a Stormtrooper.
Hey, it’s Mini Maul! No bigger than a cell phone yet fully posable!
Maul Stanley indicates the number of fans looking forward to the next Kiss tour.
Maul Stanley putting the moves on Darth Maul’s woman.
Some sweet young thang at the Star Wars Celebration wearing a Kiss T-shirt! Maul Stanley probably hit on her, too.
Maul Stanley captures "a wretched hive of scum and villainy!"
Maul Stanley interrogates an Imperial Stormtrooper (using his so-called mic-saber). Personally, we think this guy is a little short for a Stormtrooper.
It seems that some of our Sludgeaholics are Star Wars fans, too! Here, Maul Stanley encounters our January 2001 Sludgeaholic of the Month Steve Ponchaud. Steve has a page full of photos of himself geeking out at the Star Wars Celebration, even though he’s not wearing his Metal Sludge shirt in any of them. Shame on you, Ponch!
Here’s something we found in the Metal Sludge archives. It’s our September 2001 Sludgeaholic of the Month Jason Satterfield snagging a genuine Metal Sludge capture of Maul Stanley! See kids? It pays to wear your Sludgendise wherever you go, because you never know when you might find your next capture!
Speaking of high-profile Sludgeholics, here’s our 2003 Sludgeaholic of the Year C.C. Banana in the guise of "Bananakin Skywalker!" Looks like the Banana has captured himself a bunch of Stormtroopers (seemingly while in someone’s backyard)! C.C. actually managed to bag one hell of an interview while at the Star Wars Celebration, which you can listen to by clicking HERE. Though the Banana has gotten some good interviews in the past, we guarantee this one will blow your mind!
Check out those lines! No, these people aren’t waiting to use the bathroom at Ozzfest, they’re at the official Star Wars Celebration store! Thousands of people reportedly waited up to 8 hours each just to buy exclusive Star Wars merchandise! Gene Simmons must be rolling over in his Kiss coffin!
Although if Gene really wants a piece of that serious Star Wars money, rather than cranking out more Kiss lunchboxes, condoms and toilet paper, we suggest he market something more like this:
Also available as Vinnie Vincent and Eric Carr!
These next two photos were taken by Maul Stanley at the unofficial Star Wars Celebration after-party known as SpatCon. Who knew Star Wars fans even had after-parties?
Star Wars actor Richard Le Parmentier signing some chick’s ass! That’s pretty rock & roll, if you ask us! Especially for an old dude like him.
The after-party even had cage dancing Princess Leia slave girls! What’s up with Star Wars fans knowing how to be cool all of a sudden? It’s like being backstage at a Poison concert in 1989!
Maul Stanley strikes a pose and displays his package.
Well, that was… weird!
And so ends the first online adventure of Maul Stanley. We’re still not sure what to make of this mysterious man in black, but we have to hand it to him for getting our attention and making us laugh. Plus, the make-up looks cool and that outfit is absolutely hilarious. Where will Maul Stanley pop up next? A Kiss concert? An S & M convention? A Weight Watchers meeting? We really have no idea. Just so long as he doesn’t go marching around Santa Monica Blvd. dressed like that, he ought to be okay.
If you’re still in the mood for more Star Wars fun, check out C.C. Banana’s incredible interview feature by clicking HERE. We promise, you will not be disappointed! Then come back tomorrow for business as usual here at Metal Sludge, when we’ll have more news on Anthrax or Ozzy Osbourne or Kevin Dubrow or just about anybody else that doesn’t use a lightsaber.
And remember, we have absolutely no idea who Maul Stanley is. None whatsoever. Nada.
May the Sludge be with you.
Saving the Galaxy from Guys in Make-Up and Tights since 1998.