Welcome to Metal Sludge’s Sludgevivor!!!
You all probably know about the show Survivor, but fuck that show! This is Sludgevivor. This is actually the fourth time we’ve done this, hence the name "Sludgevivor 4."
We’re also doing something a little differently this time around. In the past, we’ve had a random assortment of "rock stars" and various celebrities stuck on the island together. This time, we’ve taken all of the Sludgeaholics and Sludgettes of the Month from all of 2004 and stuck them on an island off the coast of sub-Saharan Africa. The island is filled with rich, sandy beaches, and thick, dense jungles. The jungles are even more dense than Eddie Jackson! Plus, there is no food. Our Sludgevivor candidates will have to co-exist for the next several weeks, and at the end of it, there will be ONE SLUDGEVIVOR!
Now that lame-ass TV show has the other island contestants vote people out, but not us. We’ll leave that up to YOU! The Sludgeaholics. Each week your lazy ass will vote one of the Sludgeaholics off the island until we have a winner! And what does the winner get? Some kind of big prize which we haven’t actually decided upon yet. But we guarantee it will be huge.
Alright, enough fucking around. Let’s meet our contestants, shall we?
Smilin? Mike from Connecticut Age 33 (SOTM Dec. 2004)
Mike is a card dealer at a casino, likes girls, hates The Darkness and also digs KNAC.COM.
Quote: ?If I died tomorrow, the last thing I would want is for people to remember me as a fucking asshole whenever my name came up.?
Sludge Says: We can’t say anything bad about Smilin’ Mike… yet. After all, he was voted Sludgeaholic of the Year in our 2004 Sludgeaholic Choice Awards! That makes him pretty much untouchable at this point. But you can still kick him off the island!
KillDieDead is from Dayton, Ohio Age 29 (SOTM Nov. 2004)
Harold is his real name, he likes preppy chicks with money in the bank, and some of his favorite bands are Cradle of Filth, Cannibal Corpse & Exodous.
Quote: ?I am a produkt of the publik skool sistem.?
Sludge Says: Preppy chicks with money in the bank & Cannibal Corpse do not go together. Good luck to you.
EvelDick was born in Brooklyn, NY, Age 41 (SOTM Oct. 2004)
Currently lives in Southern California, likes hot asses and pouty lips (but did not specify male or female), hates Stryper and chicks with B.O.
Quote: ?I wanna die with a hard on so they have to drill a fuckin hole in the top of my casket to close the fuckin lid.?
Sludge Says: DJ Ashba has a small waist, pouty lips, AND a sexy raspy voice.
Angry Jewboy lives in Los Angeles, CA Age 36 (SOTM Sept. 2004)
Listens to King Diamond, Vain & Odin. He likes to eat at Carls Jr., rides a skateboard and wants to date EvilDicks daughter.
Quote: ?MOST PEOPLE HATE JEWS SO IT’S KINDA FUN TO BE THE ANGRY JEWBOY.?
Sludge Says: It doesn’t matter what your background or heritage is. You can still get kicked off the island without prejudice!
Ronan Feeney lives in Sligo, Ireland Age 23 (SOTM July 2004)
He likes Iron Maiden & Willie Nelson, but hates the Bulletboys. He also claims to have gotten laid at a summer festival and says people think he?s an Irish Drunken Fuck!
Quote: ?I first got to Sludge through a link from Sebastian Bach’s site about three or so years ago when he was still singing the praises of your site?
Sludge Says: Sebastian Bach made a cameo on the last Bulletboys CD.
J.J. Brooks born in St. Louis, MO Age 25 (SOTM June 2004)
Currently lives in Kansas City, wants to find a better job, hates fakeness, likes Butch Walker, ICP but hates the band Rush cause of Geddy Lee?s voice.
Quote: ?I was never good at coming up with anything innovative,?
Sludge Says: Who is Butch Walker?
Mike Nickas born in Price, Utah Age 25 (SOTM May 2004)
Moved to Salt Lake City when he was 20, has met Jack Nicklaus and the band Bowling for Soup. He listens to Jackyl, Josh Todd and Killingbird, but hates Hootie and the Blowfish.
Quote: ?My alcoholic phase in my mid-teens certainly didn?t help matters.?
Sludge Says: Luckily for Mike Nickas, there’s no alcohol on the island, unless he finds a way to ferment coconut milk.
Nate S. Axel lives in Minneapolis Age 22 (SOTM April 2004)
Was born in St. Louis Park, Minnesota in 1982. He digs Bryan Adams, Bang Tango & Winger, but dislikes Creed & Metallica. He also likes girls with small hands because it makes his cock look bigger!
Quote: ?I’m not counting on "seeing the light" when I die someday, so I better live it up while I’m here on this chaotic blue bubble.?
Sludge Says: One advantage Nate has over the other Sludgevivor candidates is that he has the ability to receive XM Satellite Radio via a filling in one of his molars. Since no one else will be able to hear it, Nate can help pass the time by telling everyone what’s playing on the Boneyard at any given moment.
Anthony Bryant lives in Fargo, ND Age 31 (SOTM March 2004)
Has served in the recent war in Iraq, is not related to Kobe Bryant, and listens to KISS, D.A.D., and Skid Row. He also tunes into the TourBus.Com.
Quote: ?Let go of the things you can’t control. And don’t be afraid to help someone who needs it. It’ll make you feel good.?
Sludge Says: Fuck Osama Bin Laden, and a big thanks to all of you over there defending us here in the USA!
Rich Kline from Pennsylvania Age 31 (SOTM Feb. 2004)
Works at a Dodge dealership, is turned on by his wife, and admits to being an e-Bay junkie. He listens to Bon Jovi, Poison and Skid Row, but dislikes Creed.
Quote: ?Well, I’m really not a very spontaneous person. Hell, I order the same thing every time I go to TGI Friday’s.?
Sludge Says: Well, Rich, you’ll be shit out of luck on the island because there’s not a single TGI Friday’s, Bennigan’s, or even an Applebee’s to be found.
Mark Zeininger resides in upstate New York Age 23 (SOTM Jan. 2004)
He wants to finish college, maybe move to Europe, and remain happy! He listens to Slayer, Crowbar & WASP, but says Billy Joel?s music makes him cringe!
Quote: ?Self preservation is the highest law, when something is bullshit my Grandfather would say "Posh!"
Sludge Says: Mark’s instincts of self-preservation will certainly help, but will the Sludgeaholics be able to put up with him on the island for the next few months?
Tamar & Sharon live in the San Fernando Valley Age 27 (SOTM Dec. 2004)
Tamar wants to make out with Bon Jovi, and Sharon wants to do the same to Bret Michaels. They both like to reach orgasm by their partner performing oral on them and their first ever concert was Warrant, Trixter & Firehouse.
Quote: Tamar = ?Man whores, apathy, beer bellies, jealousy and any body odor… barf!?
Sharon = ?I?m still a virgin?
Sludge Says: 2 sets of tits and 2 vaginas are always better than one!
Nikki Qureshi is from Oxford, England Age 20 (SOTM Nov. 2004)
Hangs out on Myspace.Com. She likes Nikki Sixx & Angelina Jolie, but is turned off by racism and Fred Durst. Listens to Motley Crue, Tesla & Orgy.
Quote: ?Drink ’til you fall over then get up and start again!?
Sludge Says: Don’t fall over on the island. The other Sludgevivors might eat you!
Dianna is from New Jersey Age 30 (SOTM Oct. 2004)
She likes tattoos, piercings and Taime Downe. She manages a hair salon and day spa and wants to prove oompa loompas really exist!
Quotes: ?I love to get drunk and act stupid. I also am a bit of a bitch and always need to get my way.?
Sludge Says: Getting her way on the island may lead to Dianna sticking around more than one week!
Charree was raised in San Diego Age 40 (SOTM Sept. 2004)
Has 3 daughters and still only weighs 105 lbs. Likes good kissers with nice lips, loves Alice Cooper and cant stand all grunge bands!
Quote: ?I spend way too much money on clothes and shoes.?
Sludge says: 4 woman in 1 house ? can you imagine the clothes & shoes?
Michelle is from New Joizy Age 32 (SOTM July 2004)
Goes by Chelle, is turned on by eyeliner, long hair, leather pants and Foreign accents. She listens to Guns n? Roses, LA Guns & Faster Pussycat.
Quote: ?If a guy stinks, forget it.?
Sludge Says: Is the New Joizy accent considered a foreign accent?
Marie "Polexxia" Braden lives in Utah Age 32 (SOTM June 2004)
Was born in Alabama, but has also lived in Japan & Germany. She loves computers and comic books but hates racism. Marie listens to Prince, Elvis, Hank III, & Dio, but dislikes Jimmy Buffet, Metallica & is boycotting KISS.
Quote: ?What ambition could be greater than the desire to be a Sludgette of the Month??
Sludge says: Perhaps the desire for food, potable water, and some semblence of human dignity?
Lola is from New York Age 31 (SOTM May 2004)
Likes long hair and big hands, but hates lies & stupidity! She listens to Motley Crue & Skid Row, while she dislikes Winger & Warrant.
Quote: ?I will not be judged by you or society. I will wear whatever and blow whomever I want as long as i can breath & kneel.?
Sludge Says: That’s great, but the Sludgaholics will be the ones judging you! It’s up to them whether you stay on the island or if you’re given a one-way ticket back to the mainland to wear whatever and blow whomever you want.
Melanie Rose lives in Las Vegas Age 20 (SOTM April 2004)
She loves long hair and a sense of humor. Hates men in sandals and back hair. She listens to Lita Ford, Motley Crue & Billy Idol but dislikes Godsmack & Rage Against The Machine!
Quote: ?Well-behaved women never make history!?
Sludge Says: We need a new naughty (non behaved) intern. Are you available?
Tazina is from Long Island, NY Age 34 (SOTM March 2004)
Is turned on by Metal Music, fast cars, leather jackets and long hair ? but is turned off by smoking and drugs. She listens to Dio, Pantera, and Ozzy, but dislikes nu-metal and death metal.
Quote: ?I am a professional bellydancer and proud to say the originator and so far the only "heavy metal" bellydancer I know of!?
Sludge Says: Bellydancing will get you nowhere when you’re on Sludgevivor!
Jen Hilton is from Vancouver, Canada Age 19 (SOTM Feb. 2004)
Jen is a model, a lesbian and is turned on by confident people. She?s turned off by wanna-be lesbian girls who really have boyfriends at home. Listens to Kid Rock, Slaughter and Pretty Boy Floyd, but dislikes Rap, Dance and R&B.
Quote: ?I wish I was so rich, I would be paid to act like a jackass on TV.?
Sludge Says: Well, if you win Sludgevivor, you can act like a jackass all you want! And did we mention a BIG prize for the winner?
Dani Joy was born in New York Age 14 (SOTM Jan. 2004)
She?s lived in Kentucky & Massachusettes, is turned on by long hair and guys in bands. Listens to Guns n? Roses, Van Halen & AC/DC.
Quote: ?My dad is really proud that I’m sludgette of the month! He occasionally reads the page when I tell him too.?
Sludge Says: Is your Dad?s name ‘Evel Dick’ by chance?
Alrighty then. Did you find out all you need to know about our Sludgevivor candidates? Good. Then let’s start kicking people off the island!
We’re trying to catch up with that "other show" that’s on TV, so this week, you get to kick 2 people off the island instead of one! One dude and once chick. It doesn’t really matter who you pick. Just select the ones you don’t think deserve to stick around, and send them packing. They’ll probably thank you once they return to the amenities of civilization anyhow. So kick off one of each gender! Here you go.
Results will be posted in a few days or so when we launch into Round 2.
Reality Internet at its finest