SMILIN’ MIKE FINALLY GETS A SLUDGE CAPTURE!
Right now some of you might be wondering, "just who the fuck is Smilin’ Mike?" Well, anyone who’s followed our posts of Sludge Captures over the last few months is probably somewhat familiar with him. But for those of you not in the know, we’ll reiterate just for you!
It all started earlier this fall with our September Sludge Captures update. Smilin’ Mike is a Sludgeaholic from… well, we’re not exactly sure where he’s from, but he sent in some captures he got at last summer’s OzzFest.
Smilin’ Mike knew that in order to count as a Sludge Capture, he needed to be wearing some Sludgendise apparel. However, that’s about all he knew. He sent us some captures taken on one of those cellphone camera thingamajigs, and those pictures are just too fucking small. And who did he capture? Ozzy Osbourne? No. Slipknot? No. He actually didn’t even capture any of the bands that played at OzzFest! He got pictures with people walking around in the crowd and inanimate objects he saw by the merchandise vendors. Well, those didn’t count, and we basically humiliated him by making him an example of what NOT to do when trying to get a Sludge Capture.
Smilin’ Mike’s tiny cellphone capture photo, September 2004
You’d think that after the barrage of insults we posted about him on the page, he’d go hide under his bed and we’d never hear from him again, right? Well, our scathing tone did nothing to discourage him, and he tried again in time for our October Sludge Captures update.
But did he get a Sludge capture? Fuck no! He sent us pictures of himself in front of a fountain, in front of a bunch of gold records hanging on a wall, with someone’s dog, and with a live bear! A noble attempt, but it still didn’t cut the mustard, and we let him have it again with our scathing verbage.
Smilin’ Mike and Roxy the Dog, October 2004
Even after that, Smilin’ Mike didn’t give up. He tried again in time for our November Sludge Captures update, and this time, he sent in captures of himself with more whacky shit including a giant turkey, some ghostly orbs, a statue of Ronald McDonald, and most notably, a picture of himself holding a copy of Tommy Lee’s new book Tommyland. That was a much more valiant effort on his part, but it still didn’t count.
Smilin’ Mike and Tommy Lee’s Tommyland,November 2004
At that point, we had pretty much given up hope of Smilin’ Mike ever getting a true Sludge Capture. We let him know in so many words that we’d had it with his fucking around, and he’d better get the message once and for all as to what a real Sludge Capture would consist of. He needed to get a capture with some kind of rock star, celebrity, or another notable Sludge-worthy person, and then it would count.
You’d think that Smilin’ Mike would be so discouraged by our ceaseless browbeating of him that he’d give up and we’d never hear from him again, right? Well, we were totally wrong about that! All we accomplished by that was that we fueled Smilin’ Mike’s determination to go get a true Sludge Capture, and you know what? HE DID!
Who did he capture?
Was it a capture of random kids on a playground?
Was it a capture of some sanitation workers taking away his garbage?
Was it a capture of some drunken homeless people living in a subway station?
Hell no, Smilin’ Mike was even more crafty than that!
So who did he capture then?
Well, Smilin’ Mike captured the one, the only, the man himself…
TOMMY FUCKING LEE!
That’s right, Smilin’ Mike took his copy of Tommyland to an in-store appearance by Tommy Lee, where T-Bone was signing copies of his new book and posing for pictures with anyone who came by. Even Smilin’ Mike!
Not only did Smilin’ Mike get a Sludge Capture with Tommy, but he also got his copy of Tommyland personally autographed by Mr. Lee. And even after all the shit we’ve given him over the past few months, did Smilin’ Mike get it signed to himself? Fuck no, he had Tommy sign it to our very own bastard boy floyd!
The fact that Tommy posed for Smilin’ Mike’s Sludge Capture was cool enough for us. After all, we’ve been given the impression that Tommy Lee doesn’t like Metal Sludge very much. He even went so far as to tell us to ‘fuck off’ in the liner notes of his last solo album, so the fact that he didn’t beat Smilin’ Mike’s ass right there on the spot is altogether surprising.
But not only did he pose for a picture with a guy in a Metal Sludge shirt — he even signed his book to bastard boy floyd! Maybe T-Bone’s willing to let bygones be bygones? We’re not sure, but regardless, we’re very proud of Smilin’ Mike and his valiant efforts to get a real Sludge Capture. Plus he’s sent off his copy of Tommyland to bastard boy floyd himself, so floyd’s looking forward to reading Tommy’s new book! Who knows? Maybe floyd will even write a book review.
Actually, floyd writing a book review of ANY book is kind of scary, but that’s beside the point.
So what’s next for Smilin’ Mike? We’ve got pretty high hopes for him, so we’ll just have to wait and see what the future holds. We did hear a report that Smilin’ Mike was seen at the Marilyn Manson show in Boston last weekend, and one of the chicks in the opening band is rumored to have even thrown herself at him. We can’t confirm or deny those rumors at this time, but apparently Smilin’ Mike’s getting quite a following along the eastern seaboard. The power of Sludge has begun to work wonders for Smilin’ Mike, so naturally, we’ll be watching his career with great interest.
Where Stars Are Born