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What Rock Stars are thankful for, 11/25/04

 

WHAT ROCK STARS ARE THANKFUL FOR
2004

As you probably already know, Thanksgiving celebrates the day the turkey was invented. It’s also the annual time of year that we give thanks for what we have in life. As you’re eating turkey (or if you’re Rikki Rockett, eating a Tofurkey) this Thanksgiving, you might be wondering what your favorite rock stars are thankful for. Well, lucky for you, we just happen to have a list of all the things that Rock Stars, celebrities, and a few other things are thankful for this year!

Jani Lane is thankful that, even though he went AWOL during the Bad Boys of Metal tour, there’s still some clubs in the midwest that will book him again next year.

Erik Turner is thankful he hasn’t been on the road with Jani for almost a year!

Jerry Dixon is thankful to be drunk at this very moment.

Obi Steinman is thankful that Jaime St. James is less of a drunk than Jani Lane.

Jaime St. James is thankful that Warrant is considered a big step up from Black ‘N Blue.

Tommy Thayer is thankful that he’s playing Ace in KISS instead of playing Jani in Warrant.

Paul Stanley is thankful that there’s still one more Simmons he could work with if he and Gene have a falling out.

Gene Simmons is thankful that he probably doesn’t have to deal with CC DeVille on the road ever again.

CC DeVille is thankful that he had Poison to fall back on when the Samantha 7 thing didn’t work out.

Bobby Dall is thankful that hot dogs fit nicely down the front of one’s pants.

CC Banana is thankful that he’s not an actual-size banana, or else Bobby might stick him down his pants too.

Bret Michaels is thankful that someone stole his guitar instead of his wig.

Don Dokken is thankful that no one would even want to steal his wig.

Metal Skool is thankful that, no matter how many times they change their stage names, people will still come to see them every Monday night at the Roxy.

Lemmy is thankful that the Rainbow lets him run a tab.

Tommy Lee is thankful that his new book hasn’t fallen off the charts faster than his solo album did.

Nikki Sixx is thankful that Motley’s reuniting for a farewell tour. His bank account is thankful as well.

Mick Mars is thankful he’s still alive.

Vince Neil is thankful that VH1 picks up the tab for his ‘remaking.’

VH1 is thankful that they didn’t decide to go with "The Remaking of Jani Lane."

XM Radio is thankful that they’ve got the Metal Sludge Radio Hour on channel 41 – The Boneyard every Sunday at 9 p.m. Eastern/6 p.m. Pacific.

Sirius is thankful that they could give a fuck what XM Radio has, ’cause they’ve got Howard Stern!

Donnie Vie is thankful he can still say he was once in Howard Stern’s favorite band.

Chip Z’Nuff is thankful that weed is cheaper than crack.

Stanley from LSD is thankful he’s never had to sing an Enuff Z’Nuff song.

Matt Mercado is thankful that he’s got Stanley’s name to drop, otherwise no one would have read his 20 Questions.

Jim Gillette is thankful more people think of him as the guy who married Lita Ford than as the former singer of Nitro or Tuff.

Stevie Rachelle is thankful he doesn’t actually know how much the Metal Sludge Staff slags on him behind his back.

Darrell Roberts is thankful that W.A.S.P. is considered a big step up from Tuff.

Blackie Lawless is thankful that he doesn’t live in Canada.

Canada is thankful that Sebastian Bach moved to New Jersey.

Ozzy Osbourne is thankful that Sharon let him tell everyone that HE was the one that fought the burglars.

Zakk Wylde is thankful that Sharon hasn’t tried to hump him too.

John Corabi is thankful that… well actually, John Corabi doesn’t have anything to be thankful for this year.

Rob Halford is thankful that no one cares he’s gay.

Scott Ian is thankful that he’s not gay.

Meatloaf’s daughter Pearl is also thankful that Scott Ian isn’t gay.

Tracii Guns is thankful that Nikki helped pay his rent this year.

Phil Lewis is thankful that he’s not as old as Ronnie James Dio.

Ronnie James Dio is thankful that he’s taller than Sully Erna.

Sully Erna is thankful he gets laid more as the singer in Godsmack than he ever did as the drummer in Strip Mind.

Wednesday 13 is thankful that his Metal Sludge tour diary reminded people who he was.

Jasmin St. Claire is thankful that she doesn’t have to hire a bodyguard when the Blue Meanie’s around.

The Blue Meanie is thankful that he’s not allergic to cats.

Chris Jericho is thankful that he’s more famous than the Blue Meanie.

Axl Rose is thankful that GN’R’s "Greatest Hits" bought him a little more time with that Chinese Democracy thing he’s been threatening to put out.

Slash is thankful that Scott Weiland is less of a fuck-up than Axl.

Scott Weiland is thankful that they didn’t give the job to Sebastian or Mike Matijevic.

Duff MacKagan is thankful that he’s got nice legs to go with that dress he wore on Halloween.

Matt Sorum is thankful that he’s not Steven Adler.

Steven Adler is thankful that Kevin Dubrow didn’t beat the fuck out of him on the Bad Boys of Metal Tour.

Kevin DuBrow is thankful for the new pair of pants he got that doesn’t let his nutsack hang so low.

Tom Mathers is thankful that Kristy Krash Majors didn’t put out another solo album this year.

Kristy Krash Majors is thankful for his new nose.

David Lee Roth is thankful that he’s now a trained paramedic, in case he ever needs to ressucitate Van Halen’s career.

Eddie Van Halen is thankful you can still smoke cigarettes without a tongue.

Gary Cherone is thankful that Eddie still has half a tongue.

Sammy Hagar is thankful that he’s not Gary Cherone.

Butch Walker is thankful that even if his "Letters" album flops, that new Bowling For Soup CD is doing pretty well.

Jizzy Pearl is thankful that, if any one of his 16 other projects fall through, he can always be a member of at least one version of Ratt.

Jason Hook is thankful that he’s Hillary Duff’s touring guitar player, and not Ashlee Simpson’s.

Alice Cooper is thankful that if the golf thing doesn’t work out, he’s always got that singing career to fall back on.

Metal Sludge is thankful that we have the most dedicated fans in the world, who love to buy shit from our all new Sludgendise Store!

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