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Sludgeaholic Of The Month – May 2003, Brent Thompson

SLUDGEAHOLIC OF THE MONTH


Brent Thompson

Brent Thompson is a huge Sludgeaholic. Not only that, but he’s the webmaster of Anthrax.com and the first person EVER to purchase a Metal Sludge shirt! That ranks right up there with being the first man on the moon! And since he runs a website, he did all his own HTML for this post. He did everything, which is great as far as we’re concerned because it’s less work for us. So congratulations to Brent for being our May 2003 Sludgeaholic Of The Month!

1. Where are you from and how old are you?
I was born 8/5/1974 in Louisville, KY (birthplace of another famous nutcase Thompson – Hunter S. that is, we may be related) and I grew up in Kentucky and Clarkston, MI – home of Pine Knob Music Theatre and Kid Rock. Great town, it’s the Mecca of Mulletdom. It’s the only place Poison can sell out 20,000 seats two nights in a row. I was on the trash crew there as a teenager and we use to put ANTHRAX logo graffiti on everything. But my family moved to Murray, Kentucky when I was almost 16 and I’ve lived in the South ever since. I went to High School with Molly Sims the fashion model. She used to give me rides home from school in her Porsche (I should have gave her a ride). My wife and I just bought a house in Franklin, Tennessee just south of Nash Vegas, TN. It’s the greatest yuppie redneck town in America. Sushi @ Waffle House. Home to many Country and Christian Music stars and has-been rockers. I’m pretty sure the Cinderella guys live around here and I saw Mark Slaughter at the movies one time. Talk about brushes with fame. Oh, and I’m not related to last month?s Sludgeholic but we are talking about Kentucky, and Cadiz is right by Murray, so he could be my uncle.

2. Ambitions: President of the United States? I think I could get elected on the strong Sludgeholic vote. BTW, I’m a member of the Republican National Committee, Ted Nugent wing. Yes, I am evil incarnate. What else? Absolute Master of all Space-Time Continuum? King Shit of Fuck Mountain? I dunno, I’m a day-to-dayer. As I child I would have said co-pilot on the Millennium Falcon, as a teenager it would have been drink beer and screw hot chicks. Wait that’s still my goal! Honestly, I guess to always grow as an artist and a human being.

My wife & I at our wedding

3. Turn-ons: Alter Boys? Priests? Amputees? Shetland Ponies? Labradors? Pigs? I do live in the South. This is where the interview goes south. Ummmm, actually besides the obligatory and ubiquitous male turn-ons of firm, supple, pouting breasts and a cookie of an ass I am an absolute total and complete fetished out freak for redheads. Most of the girls I’ve been with in my life have been redheads. My wife is a redheaded former NYC runway model with that whole tall, anorexic Cosmo model thing going on. She’s so red she’s orange. She kinda looks like Nicole Kidman with big scary Nancy Kerrigan teeth. She actually was a double for Nicole Kidman for some panned out shot in the movie "In And Out ". She got to walk down the red carpet with Tom Selleck. She’s my biggest turn-on and totally wonderful inside and out. Can you imagine being married to me? What Hell! How I got her I’ll never know. She needs to be a Sludgette of the Month. BUT YES, I love the redheads – I love the red pubes, the freckles, the soft, pasty skin – all that. LOVE IT! LOVE IT! LOVE IT! I love it when they get sunburns even. I have no idea why. Some redheads have given me near seizures. I think it has something to do with some sort of childhood perversions of mine; I’m still psychoanalyzing that one. I’ll put more on that in my autobiography "Who The Fuck Cares? someday.

But all this leads me to my "TOP 5 CHICKS TO DO LIST:"
 

1) Britney – Duh. See question #13
2) Shakira – The way she shakes that ass mesmerizes me. I’ve been a fan of her since she looked like Alanis Morrisette. Love to see her in concert.
3) Jolene Blaylock – With wig and ears of course. I’d love to Vulcan Penis Meld with her
4) Sofia Vergara – Best tits and mouth combo on planet. I’ve been drooling over her for years. And she has those big Latin chocolate chip freckles on her chest. HUGE turn-on! I watch the Spanish Channel for hours just to stare at the boobs and I don’t hable espa?ol
5) The t.a.T.u chicks – Is that #’s 5 & 6? Russian teenage lesbian media creations. What’s not to like? One’s a redhead even, she can be on top. If you want Scott Ian to throw shit at your head, play their song. If they?re not available I call sandwich on the Hilton sisters.

AND these are all completely possible. COULD HAPPEN…. but don?t hold your breath. I worked "CELEBRITY TO DO LISTS" into my pre-nup with my wife. If the opportunity presents itself, free pass to go for it. Her list has like Jude Law, Ewan McGregor, Heath Ledger. All these dudes with accents. I guess that’s her fetish. I wanted to expand to the list to include chicks if time travel becomes possible so I could say go back and do Raquel Welch in 1966 but the Wife wouldn’t go for that.

4. Turn-offs: This is where I should say shallow chicks with bitchy personalities, but lets be real, if they’re hot I’d do them too. I hate it when chicks have fat arms, legs, ankles. Sometimes the fat ass can work to their advantage but fat just isn’t physically attractive other places.

5. How long have you been coming to Metal Sludge? I’ve been addicted to that Sludge since early 2000. Bill Philputt, roadie to the stars, turned me on to it and I’ve thought your site is the greatest thing on the Internet ever since. I’d love to be a Sludge persona but I’d ruin your anonymity. My Sludge name is "Jon Bon Scott Ian Astbury"

6. Favorite bands: For me, there’s only the two Kelly’s: Clarkson and Osbourne. Great to see talent rewarded. I’m always waiting for the next JaRule collaboration with a black R&B singer. And that Eminem is so angry. Ahhhh, plhhhhhhhhhh. I’m friggin’ old school man. Most of the shit I’ve listened to the past few years is the classics I never listened to growing up because I was too busy being a punk and listening to The Misfits, Black Flag, Chili Peppers (before they sounded like James Taylor) etc. etc. Love the Zeps, Beatles, The Police, Sabbath, AC/DC, Maiden, Priests, VH, Run-DMC, pre-Hysteria Def Lep etc. etc. That and old school country – Patsy Cline, Hank, BR-549, classic bluegrass stuff – simply great music. BUT I guess Slayer is my all time favorite band. Their music always plays in the lobby of my mind. Beastie Boys’ "Paul’s Boutique" is probably my favorite all time album. That and Sepultura’s "Roots". Love Armored Saint, anything to hear Bush sing. The thrash classics are always in my MP3 play lists. The Death Angels, The Nuclear Assaults, The Panteras – those are always good. Is that Dimebag and Vinnie thing with David Allen Coe ever going to come out??? Love chick singers like Sarah McLachlan, Dido and Nikki Costa too. Slipknot is about the only band the last few years that I think are terrific. Fu Manchu rules and Superjoint Ritual is great background music too. Anthrax just does the soundtrack to my artwork. HA! More like the soundtrack to my life. Best band ever. New Anthrax album is a heavy Def Leppard ?Pyromania?. That’s my 9-word review.

7. Least favorite bands: Ohhhhhhhh you don’t have enough server space for this one. I don’t want to sound like an old man but 99.9% of what’s out there today blows a big ‘ol bag of unoriginal flaccid dicks. That goes for popular and non-mainstream bands. It’s all so boring, uninspired, formulaic, bland, unmemorable, derivative, lame………. ehhhhhhhhhhh, shall I go on? I’m like what 12-year with tattoos is supposed to entertain me today? Look the same, sound the same. Boy bands with guitars. I won’t waste my time listing the bands. I’d say today is the worst climate for music ever. My generation has almost completely failed as musicians. The ’70s – early ’80s generation gave us Metallica, Slayer, Anthrax. Best shit ever. The late ’80s – ’90s generation gave us Limp Bizkit, Creed and The Strokes. What happened? I guess we’re just unoriginal bastards or things used to sound newer to my younger ears. Or I’m lame and jaded and too busy listening to conservative talk radio to explore new bands. What else? I fucking-ass hate Christina Aguilera. She’s always been and always will be Battlestar Galactica to Britney’s Star Wars. So contrived. I hate her fake ghetto accent, the way she sings like a sodomized hamster, her rub on tan with the white armpits, her midget looking body. Weak. I’ve always hated Pearl Jam too. No particular reason and they have good songs but they’re whole cooler than thou grunge persona drove me up the damn wall in college.

 

Parody of LOTR I did for a t-shirt but the lawyers killed it. Even had the lyrics to "Anyplace But Here" in elf script on the ring. Oh well, I guess we’d have gotten sued by Hobbits.

8. What do you do for a living? Hand Jobs for smack? I’m a freelance graphic designer / art fag. I teach a college class on design too. Corrupt tomorrow’s minds. That and I sell all my memories on e-bay and I’m starting an entertainment company. Right now I’m doing contract work for Campbell Hausfeld power tools. How metal is that? In my career I’ve done everything from BVD underwear to French Canadian Life Insurance. I’ve art directed around 200 CD and DVD covers as well (remind me to send you some for shitty giveaway contests). Whatever pays the bills. I painted to the cover to S.O.D.’s "Kill Yourself: The Movie" and I’m basically the visual Anthrax. It’s kind of ironic (don’t ‘cha think?) that they’re probably my greatest artistic influence and now I’m a part of crafting their image. I’ve always been more inspired by music than visuals. I do 99% of their artwork, backdrops, merchandise, and Web graphics. Kinda like what Pushead is to Metallica. Speaking of, I need a cooler name – how ’bout Hemorrhoid? Charlie’s not only a fantastic musician; he’s a terrific artist and has a very visual and creative mind. Scott chimes in too and makes my stuff less cheesy. We throw ideas at each other and bounce things around. We’re all on the level and work really good together. I was the art director for their latest album "We’ve Come For You All". I got to tell Alex Friggin’ Ross what to do! Like I have any right. All the art came out so great. Not to blow myself but the Limited Edition WCFYA from Nuclear Blast is like the best packaging since KISS Love Gun (words from Scott Ian’s mouth). I got to do a 12" gatefold vinyl LP version in Europe too, which turned out awesome. I’d love to do artwork for Britney, Slayer, Marilyn Manson or anything involving Matt Stone and Trey Parker. I’d love to do shit for you guys too. That and I’d love to art direct the next Star Wars film. I could actually make it the best movie in the series. First order of business, Darth Vader chops off Jar Jar’s head, and an Ewok Jedi! So George Lucas if you’re reading this, make it happen! I’ll win you an Oscar! You can check me out at http://www.brenternet.com. I may even put up an actual site there someday.

9. How did you end up being the Webmaster for Anthrax’s website? Remember that commercial with the retarded kid working the cash register at McDonald’s? – very similar situation. Pity? All they can afford? It’s a long story but basically I wanted to meet them and sent Charlie "John Gotti" Benante an e-mail asking that if I did S.O.D. a Web site could I get backstage without blowing a roadie? He wrote back one line – "Let’s seem some stuff". So I did the old S.O.D. site (which Billy Milano demanded I take down if you’re wondering why there’s no S.O.D. site anymore) in a weekend, Charlie loved it and we’ve been butt buddies ever since. Some dude in Colorado had the anthrax.com domain name where they had some lame Monty Python site for a few years. I called him ever night during dinner for a month until he signed it over to me. I’m actually putting a new site up here soon. I’ve used the same half-ass site layout for 3 years because I’m too lazy or too busy to do other shit. Very time consuming this whole Web game but I love the Internet. Great for bands like Anthrax unless some psycho-douche mails powered bacteria and then 50,000,000,000 people send me emails and call me about getting disease control from a rock band (can’t you tell we’re a metal band from the homepage???) and my mom calls me thinking I’m in trouble with the Government because anthrax.com made the ticker on CNN. I’m like no Mother, I’m in trouble with the Government for tax evasion.

THE SHIRT with Jeff of Slayer

10. You were the first person ever to buy a Metal Sludge shirt. How does that make you feel? Speedy. It’s just another one of my Homer Simpson-esque noteworthy achievements. I love this site so much and when I saw you had merch I completely freaked and couldn’t get my credit card number entered fast enough. Your shopping cart could have billed me $1000 and I wouldn’t have cared. I remember you guys wrote that dig at me for buying the Poison one and not the Union one. If I’d bought say a Barbie pink one I could see you wondering how I could be Anthrax’s Web guy but the neon green is just way cooler than the blue. Overkill green. I need to buy a new one and retire the shirt and save it for the Rock N’ Roll Hall of Fame or a Hard Rock Cafe. Not because of me but because you guys have kept metal alive for the last 5 years and have definitely carved a nitch in music history. I’ll get the shirt bronzed. I’m always paranoid now when I wear it out to shows. I wore it in Europe and it was amazing how many people came up to me and knew the site. They all thought I was one of you guys. Must be my smart-ass mouth but I always denied it. Impersonating a Sludge columnist can get your ass beaten down.

11. When was the last time you got laid? I’m typing this left handed right now. Oh with another person! I dunno, I guess the other night in the shower. This week is that time of the month when Aunt Flo visits the wife. Usually it’s so often I forget. We just got married in the Caribbean last October so the wife and me still go at it like bunnies on Viagra. Best lay ever. Only girl ever that could make me cum while wearing a condom without 10 hours of Kama Sutra-like mental disciplined sex. Hated condoms, best part of marriage is throwing out those things. I guess that’s how you know you’ve found "the one" – She can easily make you cum with a condom on. But if you’re not married, fucking wrap it up!

12. Have you ever been to Scott Ian’s place and if so, what’s it like? Remember the dungeon below the pawnshop in ?Pulp Fiction?? It’s like that meets Buffalo Bill’s place in ?Silence of the Lambs? meets the ?Texas Chainsaw Massacre? house with more meat hooks. Actually that’s his storage garage. Gotta keep the bodies somewhere. I’ve never been to his place. He lives somewhere in Hollywood with his hottie girlfriend Pearl. We need to put it on your LA map, he’d love that. I’ve haven’t been out to LA in years and if I did visit he’d probably move first. I’m pretty sure his Jewness finds me to be a cross between Butthead, Jeff Foxworthy and Cousin Eddie from the Vacation movies. Can’t you see me pulling up in front of his place and saying "That there Scott is an RV, you’re going to miss us when we leave here next month."

I swear it’s real! She signed my brother’s too.
Thanks Dewey!

13. If you had the opportunity to go out on a date with Britney Spears for the evening, where would you take her and what would you do to make an impression? I dunno man, Brit’s looking rough now. Fucking Fred Durst will do that to you. I guess I’d take her to a beauty spa to work off that 10 pounds she’s packed on and get rid of the brown hair (Mandy Moore yes, Britney no, never). And maybe a batch for her snatch too. Britney with a brown or blonde muff? Caramel colored? It’s a toss up. Racing stripe or Euro-bush? I’m thinking a little wider than the racing stripe shaved tight and low so it pricks when you lick it. Hmmmmmm, if she came here to Nashville I’d take her downtown to some shit-kicker sweaty country bar where we could drunkenly half-ass square dance until 3:00 AM. I’ve done that with my Yankee friends from NYC (Hi Ylana!) and they had a great time. If it were in L.A., I’d have to wait until Anthrax plays a gig (HOB on the 29th, you’ll have passes babe – no problemo) and she could hang with us and seem amused by our unabashed farting and lame jokes. I know everyone was thinking I’d write how I’d tongue out her asshole (of course I would, she could have just eaten Taco Bell and with a prune smoothie for dessert, whatever) but I’d be a perfect gentleman. My personality leaves an impression on pretty much everyone. I’m nuttier than a squirrel turd.

14. Who is your favorite ex-member of Anthrax? Dave Weiss? Greg Walls? Neil Turbin? Kenny Kushner? John Connelly? Paul Kahn? Greg D’Angelo? Matt Fallon? Danny Spitz? Danny Lilker? Joey Belladonna? Paul Crook? No, no, no… IT’S SCOTT IAN’S HAIR FROM 1989!!! THE MOHAWK MULLET! That thing ruled. Looked like he’d been attacked by a fox and lost. Best hair since Flock of Seagulls. Bring it back!!! You have to admit Scott’s got a beautiful chrome dome now. His cranium has like the perfect averaged measurements for a caucasoid skull. Seriously, he’s had it measured. His baldness is often imitated, never duplicated. Charlie’s fro from 1985 is a close second. He should have been on "Welcome Back Kotter" with that thing. He’s going to have me knee-capped for writing that. I miss Bush’s hair too. He looks more and more like Bruce Willis everyday. What Anthrax gained in eyesight (I don’t think any of them wear glasses) they lost in hair follicles. Except Charlie, he has great hair now. Ummmmmm let’s see, Crook and Lilker are the only ones I know. Paul’s super cool and got the fastest fingers on frets I’ve ever seen and Lilker IS pure metal. He has mercury in his veins. Great guy and awesome on stage.

15. How does it feel to be our May 2003 Sludgeaholic Of The Month? Greatest honor of my life. Seriously. I’ve wanted to be one since you’ve started it. It’s all down hill after this; I’ve jumped the shark. I need to start campaigning for Sludgeaholic of the Year now, it’ll probably take that long just to read all this. Sorry, I can’t say hello in less than an hour.

16. Personal Motto: Never let the truth ruin a perfectly good story? Chew your food? Smoke crack and worship Satan? Actually it’s "Beware the beast man for he is the devils pawn. Alone among God’s primates he kills for sport or lust or greed. Yea he will murder his brother to possess his brother’s land. Let him not breed in great numbers for he will make a desert of his home and yours. Shun him, drive him back to his jungle lair, for he is the harbinger of death." – Cornelius, Planet of the Apes (1968)

Thanks for honoring me guys! I can’t wait until I’m Sludgeaholic of the Month again. Instead of a Rewind or 3-wind can we do like Sludgeaholic Relapse of the Month or something? CHEERS – BHT

Congratulations to Brent once again for being our May 2003 Sludgeaholic Of The Month!

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