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Sludgeaholic Of The Month – April 2002, John Maxwell



John Maxwell
He’s in the middle in case you didn’t know

Now this is a hardcore Sludgeaholic! John has attended two of our Metal Sludge Extravaganzas in L.A. Big deal you might say, but he lives in North Carolina! He flew in for them! Did you get on a plane and fly in for our party? Probably not ya fucking scrub. But John did! He’s hardcore like that.

Plus he has sent in Captures of Carson Daly and almost Captured Britney Spears! As far as we know, John’s the closet a Sludgeaholic has ever gotten to Britney, but close only counts in hand granades and shit throwing. John works for the Charlotte Sting of the WNBA.

So welcome John Maxwell was our Sludgeaholic Of The Month for April 2002!

1. Where are you from?
I was born in New York City, but I’ve lived in and around Charlotte, North Carolina for the past 16 years.

2. Ambitions: I’m actually being forced to revisit this as we speak since the Charlotte Hornets proposed move to New Orleans might affect my job status. I’d like to work behind the scenes for David Lee Roth in some capacity – maybe doing public relations work, as his web master or as a tour manager of sorts — but I’ll be damned if I know what kind of application process you need to go through to get a gig like that. I suppose I could just join a Van Halen tribute band and become his guitarist, but the shelf life of that particular position in the organization doesn’t appear to be too long.

If the Toast Master General of the Immoral Majority doesn’t come calling any time soon, I might try and be Jack Black’s stunt double or write for Metal Sludge. Otherwise I’ll continue to climb the professional sports ladder keeping my eyes and ears peeled for other opportunities in the PR end of the music and entertainment industry.

Oh, and I wouldn’t mind getting laid this millennium (See question 10).

3. Turn-ons: Scrambled porn, Mallomars ? and women with IQs that are more than three times larger than their breasts.

4. Turn-offs: Cigarette smoke and stupid people.

5. How long have you been coming to Metal Sludge?
As a devoted regular, since the great Jani Bon Neil vs. Michael Blair war of late 1999 http://www.metal-sludge.com/JBNhatemail.htm

6. You’ve traveled great distances to attend our Metal Sludge Extravaganzas in LA. Why?
A good friend of mine, Eric Zimmermann (http://www.ericzimmermann.com), is a guitarist out in Los Angeles. Metal Sludge Extravaganzas coupled with the frequent flyer miles I accumulate traveling throughout the summer make for a good and inexpensive excuse to go out and visit. Plus, the Charlotte music scene isn’t exactly overflowing with hard rock acts. We can claim Firehouse, and that’s about it. I believe the rest of what we have to offer musically can be found on the Deliverance sound track.

Considering I once flew out to Las Vegas on my last dime to see David Lee Roth perform at a private show for an internet pornography convention, heading out to Los Angeles for Metal Sludge Extravaganzas is a no-brainer. If you’re interested in reading about the Vegas trip (why the hell would you be?), and you can afford to lose 15 minutes of your life that you can never get back, check out all the gory details at the Van Halen News Desk archives at http://www.vhnd.net/99dlrtour/000110.html.

7. Favorite bands: David Lee Roth-era Van Halen and most of the bands that they helped spawn over the course of the ’80s, Alice Cooper and Meat Loaf (my cat is named after him). The Halfcocked CD I picked up at Metal Sludge Extravaganza 4 has seen heavy rotation in the office CD player since I got back. As far as new artists go, a friend of mine, ‘Brina, forced me to listen to Linkin Park, and I’ve actually grown to like them.

Plus I have to give a shameless plug to my friend Eric’s guitar work or else I lose my free place to stay in Los Angeles. He’s currently recording the Judas Priest song United with Carmine Appice (damn near everybody) and Michael Matijevic (Steelheart) among others for a charity album benefiting the Red Cross. He’s also recorded with Gregg and Matt Bissonnette (ex-David Lee Roth), Ray Luzier (DLR Band) and Mark Zonder (Fates Warning) on various projects including the Jason Becker song Rain for the Warmth In The Wilderness Jason Becker Tribute CD (http://artists.mp3s.com/artists/281/eric_zimmermann.html).

Other random bands on my short list include Jimmy Buffet, Livingston Taylor, Jupiter Coyote and Shut Up Marie.

8. Least favorite bands: Anybody with a message. I listen to music as a form of enjoyment, not as an excuse to wallow in somebody else’s problems and self-pity.

9. What exactly do you do for the Charlotte Sting?
I’m the director of public relations, which basically means I’m the go-between from the players, coaches and front-office staff to the media. It’s my job to pimp out our team to get as much positive media attention as possible.

10. When was the last time you got laid?
Unfortunately, the current republican administration has had a detrimental affect on my sex life. If there are some of you out there that are undecided about for whom to vote in 2004, help a fellow Sludgeaholic out would ya?

11. 5 CDs I can’t live without:
Van Halen – S/T
Meat Loaf – Bat Out Of Hell
AC/DC – Black In Black
Jupiter Coyote – Cemeteries and Junkyards
Ozzy Osbourne – Tribute

12. I wish I had: More time to do everything I want to do.

13. If you could have sex with any of the Sludgettes Of The Month, who would it be?
Unfortunately, since I don’t have that leather-clad, muscle-bound-biker thing working for me, I doubt I’ll ever have a real shot with most of the Sludgettes. Shouldn’t there be some hot Sludgettes out there that are into Meat Loaf shaped bodies? Certainly Steve Grimmet of Grim Reaper fame hooked up with some hot chicks at some point, didn’t he? I digress.

I’ll go with November 2001 Sludgette Of The Month Shernan Fanconi – Not only is she attractive, but as a doctor she could easily keep me in the lifestyle to which I’ve become accustomed should things get serious. Some of those fancy medical gizmos could come in handy in the bedroom as well.

14. Who’s been the coolest celebrity you’ve met and who was the biggest dick?
Fortunately, just about all the celebrities I’ve met have been really cool. Some that stand out — I got to hang out with Jamie Foxx a little bit at NBA All-Star 2002 in Philadelphia, and he’s hysterical to be around. Frankie Muniz of Malcolm In The Middle was there as well and he seems like a regular teenaged kid. He even went so far as to grab lunch at a local cheesesteak joint with us regular folks. He had no problems signing autographs and taking pictures with fans. Even Will Smith, who was there with his kid, came across like a genuinely nice guy.

Most of the big-time celebs are smart enough to surround themselves with an entourage and let those people be dicks for them, that way it’s not really the celebrity doing it. Case in point, Britney Spears was at NBA All-Star with a dozen or so handlers whose main purpose seemed to be to barrel through the crowd like they’re blocking for Walter Payton.

I asked one of her managers if I could take a picture of Britney with our point guard, Dawn Staley, to post it on our web site and was told that if it wasn’t set up well ahead of time that they couldn’t do it. Will Smith, Jazzy Jeff, Justin Timberlake, Ahmad Rashad, Jamie Foxx, Carson Daly, etc. have no problem with it, but Britney’s people are trying to "protect" her for some reason. They even freaked out when I tried to take her picture from a distance.

For all I know she may be a nice person, but people judge you by the company you keep, and that kind of thing just isn’t necessary. Of course, maybe I’m just bitter because her handlers prevented me from "capturing" her.


Here’s the top of her head though. (See attached pic)

The top of Britney’s head!

15. How do you feel about being our April 2002 Sludgeaholic Of The Month?
I never thought anything could top the time I finished first and third in a masturbation contest, but this definitely is the highlight of my life. Already people at work and around the league are treating me with a certain reverence normally reserved for royalty and Michael Jordan. Thanks Metal Sludge!

16. Personal motto: "Don’t sweat the little shit . . . It’s all little shit."



Congratulations to John for being our April 2002 Sludgeaholic Of The Month!

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