SLUDGETTE OF THE MONTH
ELISE THE PIECE!
Our own bastard boy floyd selected our February 2005 Sludgette of the Month, and since floyd has impeccable tastes, we can’t argue with his nominee. She’s a frequent contributor to our Gossip Boards, has sent in various Sludge Captures, and she can often be found hanging out in Sludge Chat. Plus she’s a hottie to boot! Who is it? Why, it’s none other than the one and only Elise the Piece! Her new title of Sludgette of the Month is long overdue, so let’s get right to it! Here she is!
1. Name and age: EliseThePiece 27
2. Height: 5’7" which I despise being that I amconstantly discriminated against when I audition for midget porn.
3. Weight: 115- the weight of Anna Nicole’s extra skin. Trimspa BABY!!
4. Where are you from?
Norfolk, Nebraska- Hometown of Johnny Carson and Corn! (the vegetable, not the band) But currently I live in Omaha.
5. Ambitions: To graduate from Medical school. I’m hoping to get a sludge capture from the head of Obstetrics and Gynocology.
6. Turn-ons: Good Music, large phallic vegetables, guys with long hair-on the head not the ass (if you can cornrow your ass hair then that’s a problem), peeing while standing, and Harry Potter.
7. Turn-offs: massive ass hair (girls or guys), people who crunch loud when they eat, men with dogs that hump my leg (unless they lick me first. That’s foreplay!)Men with Chesticles, woman who don’t shave their mustaches, and one ply toilet paper.
8. Favorite bands: Skid Row, Motley Crue, Guns N Roses, Pantera, Shadows Fall, Poison, Tesla, LA Guns, Bon Jovi, Van Halen, Alice Cooper, Faster Pussycat, Warrant, Ratt, Monster Magnet, and a great local band here called SIN (I am not just saying that because the bassist and drummer are super hot. I swear. No really.)
9. Least favorite bands: Creed, Good Charlotte Linkin Park, Creed, Hoobastank, Creed, Limp Biscuit, and Creed.
10. How long have you been coming to Metal Sludge?
Well, I’ve been coming to the main page since 2000 and started posting on the boards about a year and half.
11. Exactly what do you do for a living?
I am an LPN currently finishing my Bachelors in Nursing. I wish I could say something exciting like Fetish porn. ALthough now that i think about it, I did give a sponge bath to a 350 pound lady once. Does that count?
12. At what age did you lose your virginity and how was it?
I was 17 and at my friends house who was throwing a party. I had been with my boyfriend for a whopping two weeks and I was in love. He started telling me he loved me and that he wanted to SHOW me how much he loved me but before he could "show me" his love he starts asking me about STD’s (he didn’t know I was a virgin) and then said that we needed to find a lemon so we could check for std’s. I just looked at him like he had a chicken just pop out his ass while he further explained that if he stuck a lemon up my penis playground, it would cause massive burning if I had an STD. I said no to the lemon and handed him a condom. *Sigh* I loved him so much. Anyhoooooo after everyone went to bed, and I was thoroughly tanked, we did it on the floor. (How romantic!)I pretty much laid there like a corpse and the whole time I kept thinking, "Is it supposed to be that small? Babies arm my ass!" Two days later he slept with my best friend, so basically I was left confused, had a bizarre fear of fruit, and had nothing to show for it but a stupid rug burn on my back.
13. What?s your biggest vice?
Obviously bad spelling and anal retentiveness considering I actually looked up what vice meant just be sure I wouldn’t fuck up the answer or the spelling…
14. How long do you usually wait before you let a guy into your pants?
well if he has a gimpy leg, drools a lot, and involuntarily beats his arm across his chest, I’d say 5 minutes and I probobly wouldn’t even take the leg brace off. (His. Mine stays.) No girl can resist a man who leaves drag marks trailing behind him. It’s a bonus if he wears the special olympics metal while we do it.
15. Yes or no, have you ever:
Lost your car = Unfortunately yes. I got way shitfaced one night because my boring friends have a penchant for country music and toothless men, so they dragged me to some honkey tonk. My only saving grace were several double shot Tom Collins (I bet you thought I was going to say Zima’s.) Finally my friends said it was time to go and I bolted out the door. They found me 10 minutes later banging on some random car window that wasn’t mine screaming "The car won’t take my key goddammit!!" They ended up driving me home but only after laughing at me for throwing up all over the parking lot.
Seen a ghost = Yes, I’ve seen transparent floating dead people.
Been abducted by aliens = Only the kind with the anal probes
Been caught shoplifting = No way. I made my sister do all that shit for me.
Been photographed nude = Yeah you can see me at nastycottagecheeseass.com
Tasted your own earwax = yes but it was totally accidental! I stuck a pen in my ear and then without thinking put it right in my mouth. Needless to say, it didn’t taste like chicken.
Ate something still alive = Who hasn’t? If it ain’t breathing, it don’t taste right.
Fantasized about bastard boy floyd = Of course! Who doesn’t want that snaggletooth gnashing away on your cooter? I’d use his pigtails for steering…
Put anything in your butt = Well, this one time, at orchestra camp…
Been arrested = No, but I might if I get my hands on those harry potter kids…Just kidding. (no I’m not)
16. The way to my heart is: Through my inferior and superior Vena Cava.
17. How do you feel about being our February 2005 Sludgette of the Month?
I feel sooo super stoked! I wish I could recite a lifetime movie monologue to truly express how I feel, but I don’t know any lifetime movies that involve singing whilst running naked through the streets.
18. Personal motto: You’re never too tall to ride the short bus. TARD CARTS ROCK!!!!!
Congratulations to Elise the Piece for being our February 2005 Sludgette of the Month! whoooooooooooooo!