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Rotten Roundup for May 2005, 5/31/05



Welcome to Metal Sludge’s Rotten Roundup for May 2005!

Each month, we ask one ridiculous question to a random assortment of ‘rock stars’ and Metal Sludge celebrities, and then we’ll post all their answers here in one spot. We’ll ask the same question to people who have done 20 Questions with us, people who haven’t done 20 Questions with us, our past Sludgeaholics and Sludgettes of the Year, and all kinds of other friends of Metal Sludge. Some answers are short, and some go on and on. Some are funny, some are not. You never know what kind of answers we’ll get from people, so it’ll always be a surprise. Now you have Metal Sludge’s Rotten Roundup to look forward to at the end of each month. Hooray!

This month’s question is:

"If you could have written and recorded any one song in history (instead of someone else having done it first), which song would it be and why?"

Mitch Allen, SR-71:

2- songs (if you will allow me)?

YESTERDAY – The Beatles: This is a no brainer. There are a lot of great songs that I wish I wrote, but this one speaks to me, and everyone else. It is such a beautiful, simple song that longs to remember life before it got complicated. I live with that idea everyday.

IN YOUR EYES – Peter Gabriel: If you’ve never been in love, than you won’t get it. But for those of us who have loved and lost, there is no more beautiful song than this. I used to play this song for my X after we’d breakup for a period of time. It never failed to get her back into my bed, and me back into my house.

August, Killingbird:

Paint You A Picture by Blackboard Jungle. I just love the guitar work on that song. Not overly technical, but very tasteful and the melody is amazing.

Frankie Banali, Quiet Riot:

"Kashmir" by Led Zeppelin which is the epitome of how a simple groove can make a song great by it’s sheer reserve.

C.C. Banana, 2003 Sludgeaholic of the Year:

I’m thinking I’d like to have recorded "Spit," an obscure Kiss tune from 1992 about banging chubby chicks (a subject near and dear to my heart). Of course, the bananimalized version would probably have been called "Split."

Jason Becker, Cacophony/DLR Band:

There are about 50 Bob Dylan songs – Hard Rain, It’s All Right Ma, I’m only Bleeding, It’s All Over Now Baby Blue, Love Minus Zero/No Limit, Desolation Row, Masters of War, man the list goes on and on. Also, a few Stevie Wonder, Cheryl Crowe and Beatles songs. Clapton’s River of Tears is also great. But if I had to pick just one, it would be John Lennon’s Imagine, because it is so simple and beautiful, but it really says it all. Too bad we don’t all think like Lennon.

Steve Brown, 40 Ft. Ringo/ex-Trixter:

"UNCHAINED" by The Mighty VAN HALEN, because it has one of the most bad ass Riffs in Rock history and has so much fuckin’ attitude. Still to this day, every time I hear that tune, it gives me chills. Man, just think if TRIXTER had that song for the "HEAR" cd… it would have gone double platinum… he,he,he!!!!

Bunnie Blue, Sixty-10:

Probably Hound Dog, or Magical Mystery Tour or Rapper’s Delight… A song that not only changed the face of music but changed the face of culture as we know it.

Eric Brittingham, Cinderella/Naked Beggars:

The original theme song for the Tonight Show with Johnny Carson. The writer received 500,000 per year for thirty years from ascap alone.

Jacob Bunton, Mars Electric/Lynam:

"Fallin’ Apart At The Seams" by Cinderella if it was all about the music. That song is what Rock is all about. Great riff, great melody, great hook, great song. Also, "Bastard" by Motley Crue. That song is perfect. If it was all about the money, my choice would be Yesterday by The Beatles (I’m sure a lot of people said that). Considering it’s the most played song in the history of radio, the royalties have got to be insane. I know the question was for any ONE song, but fuck it, I can’t pick one.

Billy Childs, Britny Fox:

Happy anniversary, happy anniversary, happy anniversary, haaaaaapy anniversary!

Ethan Collins, ex-White Trash:

"I’m the One" by Van Halen. That song just has it all. It kicks ass! Great groove you can dance too. Great vocals and harmonies and probably the best guitar playing you ever heard in your life. I can imagine when VH heard the playback on that one. They must’ve then known that they transcended above rock stars and could now be considered "rock gods". Nothing like that song. Nothing will ever top it.

Alice Cooper:

’20th century schizoid man’ by king. i didn’t think that song could ever be performed live but it was and it was amazing.

Greg D?Angleo, ex-White Lion:

Tough Question – Imagine by John Lennon – or just about any other Lennon song. Whenever I hear his songs I’m blown away. He knows how to cut to the core of me! So wise! Like a hairy Buddah!

Kevin DuBrow, Quiet Riot:

"Won’t Get Fooled Again" by The Who. Pete Townsend spoke for me as a kid and young rock and roll fan.

Jim Bob Dwarf, 2001 Sludgeaholic of the Year:

It?s a toss-up between ABC?s ?Poison Arrow? and ?Gold? by Spandau Ballet. I?ve always been a glutton for a sappy 80s pop song. Plus they both appear on the Grand Theft Auto: Vice City soundtrack! Great music to listen to in a Lamborghini as you plow down pedestrians while being chased by cops.

David Ellefson, F5/ex-Megadeth:

"Victim of Changes" by Judas Priest from their "Unleashed in the East" live album. That version is arguably one of my favorite recordings ever.

Jackie Enx, Rhino Bucket:

Son of a Preacher man… I know it’s not a "rock song" but I like the whole concept… Preacher’s son… a little sin… yep yep… all good

Troy Patrick Farrell, Fastmaster/Mike Tramp?s White Lion:

Over My Head by Kings X?this song really shines when they do it live..it?s like a gospel, and that?s cool since I?m not a religious person.

Marc Ferrari, ex-Keel:

"Yesterday"… the most recorded song of all time…. royalty checks the size of economies of small countries….

Glen ?Archie? Gamble, Helix/Popjoy:

"The Rainbow Connection" by Kermit The Frog?cause it would be nice to beat Dio at his own game, writing songs about rainbows!

Lizzie Grey, Spiders & Snakes/ex-London:

?I Did It My Way? in a silver space suit with a pony-skin choker. (Eat your hearts out Frank and Sid, wherever you are.)

Alex Grossi, Quiet Riot/ex-Beautiful Creatures:

"Rock-n-Roll all Night" — then I could sell it to Gene!

Vic Hix, Shok Paris/Aftershok:

That’s an easy one, it’s got to be "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida" by IRON BUTTERFLY, I have heard all of the stories about this song, the name of the song and how messed up these guys were at the time…hell, to just be around to experience all that would have been a freakin’ trip!!!!

Tricky Lane, ex-Sweet F.A.:

The song.

Imagine by John Lennon.

Why? It’s Fucking perfect.

Josh Lewis, ex-Warrant:

"I Wish It Would Rain" by the Tempatations and "Hit The Road Jack" Ray Charles.

Mandy Lion, WWIII:

T.N.T by AC/DC because I don’t think that there is another song that rocks as hard.

Lupus, Bloodhound Gang:

Jesus Saves by Slayer. I don’t know what it is about that song, but the intro of it always sticks in my mind and I think it sounds so heavy and evil. Then again, I just described every song by Slayer.

Eric Martin, ex-Mr. Big:

?Unchained Melody? by the Righteous Brothers, A song of heartfelt desperation and a longing for love. I sang this song at a wedding (My only time) For my soundman Jerry and his bride Angela. There wasn?t a dry eye in the church including mine. It?s an incredible piece of music, very moving. I wish I wrote this magical song.

Billy McCarthy, ex-D?Molls/author, The Devil of Shakespeare:

"WE WILL ROCK YOU" ? You could feed the world for twenty years and rent Shannon Tweed for a night owning these royaltie$. Queen gets paid when sports fans stomp it on stadium bleachers! Oh to be present in the studio when Roger Taylor said to Freddy Mercury, "Can you sing anything over this stupid-ass drumbeat?"

Kenny McGee, Julliet:

"When the Levy Breaks"…..Zeppelin. My all time favorite rock n’ roll song. John Bonham says it all.

Chris McLernon, ex-Saigon Kick:

Beatles – She Loves You. Perfect pop song from the opening chorus to the last G major 6 chord. I have heard it all of my life and I still love it.

Matt Mercado, $upermercado/ex-Mind Bomb:

That’s a tough one, there’s so many great tunes out there that make me feel incompetent as a writer.

I’m going to go with "I Am The Walrus" by the Beatles simply because they were on some pretty pure acid back then, and its hard to score the good stuff these days!

Alexx Michael, Shameless:

Rock?n Roll all nite – cause it?s the ultimate Party Anthem

George Mihalovich, Aftershok:

Difficult question…to frame it and make it a bit easier, since hard rock and metal are what I know best, I guess I will stay within these styles. It’s still a tough call, but I guess I’d have to say "Smoke On The Water" by Deep Purple. It’s been played to death, but I still can’t turn it off when it’s on the radio. It was one of those seminal moments in music that changed everything. Songwriting, instrumentation, guitar tones, riffs, solos- it ushered in a whole era of possibilities for heavy guitar-driven rock and pushed everything in a whole new direction. Besides, who Who doesn’t know the tune? It’s one of those songs that has become an air-guitar cultural icon, and it’s hard to argue with that kind of clout and longevity.

Darrell ?Dwarf? Millar, Killer Dwarfs/ex-Laidlaw:

I would have written "Born To Be Wild" but my cousin beat me to it. Timeless classic still heard today constantly in TV and Radio. Hale Mars Bonfire.

Jason Miller, Godhead:

"Luck Be A Lady" by Frank Sinatra. The lyrics are priceless.

Tony Mills, Shy:

If I could have written any one song in history and recorded it before anyone else, it would have been ‘Search and Destroy’ by Iggy and the Stooges. Raw Power – literally – Pure energy captured on vinyl. Inspired me to become a vocalist thirty years ago. That inspiration changed my life utterly and sent me round the world and back living a rock ‘n’ roll dream…….

Amanda Moeckel, 2002 Sludgette of the Year:

Wicked Game by Chris Isaak, so I could roll around on the beach with Helena Christensen in the video.

Pat Muzingo, Junkyard:

?Rehearsal? from Pedro the Lion. Its on the Control c.d. Everything about this song reminds me of where I came from. David Bazan is a genius. C?mon, the chorus is ?Darlin?, you are so unoriginal. Each move more obvious than the one before it?. Pretty much sums up things from 1988 ? 1992.

Wendell Neeley, The Classic Metal Show:

Check It Out by John Mellencamp. It captures life in a nutshell for the average everyday working American, as well as expressing hope for the future generations to follow.

Marty O?Brien, Tommy Lee?s Methods of Mayhem/Static-X/Disturbed/etc. etc.:

"Stripper Girl" by Metal Skool, because it’s a timeless classic that will be appreciated and admired by generations to come.

Ted Poley, Danger Danger:


Clare pproduct, AntiProduct:

Blitzkrieg Bop by the Ramones. Perfect in its simplicity. Hey Ho… Lets GO!!!

Rikki Rockett, Poison:

Without a doubt, "Imagine" by John Lennon. I have never, ever heard someone say, "Geez, I hate that song." It is never just a background song, it makes you stop, listen and feel something. It’s a gift to able to write a song like that.

Amy ?Stalker Jr.? Romano, 2003 Sludgette of the Year:

Poison – I Want Action. Lyrical genius. Period. End of story. Really though, I don’t know. There are so many out there I’d like to choose from and even if I picked one I don’t think I could come up with an explanation of why I chose it. Maybe the song meant a lot to me when I heard it, like the person was standing in my shoes. Or maybe "The guy made a million dollars" (Office Space) and I’d like to make that much money.

Billy Rowe, Jetboy/American Heartbreak:

"I Want You To Want Me" …… because it’s one of the greatest pop songs ever.

Jamie Rowe, London Calling/Guardian:

Happy Birthday To You….. and I want the publishing too! Why? Why not!

Acey Slade, Trashlight Vision/Murderdolls:

For the money I would have to say ‘Bad to the Bone’. It is one of the most licensed songs in the world. For the love of it…’Truely, Madly, Deeply’ by a band (Hows this for you obscure motherfuckers..) by Bakers Pink, formerly ‘The Front’.

Smilin? Mike, 2004 Sludgeaholic of the Year:

"You Give Love a Bad Name", by Bon Jovi, and why?… Cuz after Jon Bon Jovi wrote n recorded that song, he got more ass than a fucking toilet seat, thats why… lol

Jaime St. James, Warrant/Black ?N Blue:

A Day in the Life, Beatles. I love that song.

Mike Tramp, White Lion:

Born to run. Because Springsteen’s lyrics always bring it home for me. And I simply devour his songs like it’s page out of my own life.

Joe Lynn Turner, ex-Rainbow/Deep Purple/Yngwie Malmsteen/et al.:

What is wrong with you Metal Sludge people?!? Did you have some mometary lapse of reason?!? This is a NORMAL question from you people who are known for ABnormal questions You gotta be fucking kidding. If you really must know the truth the song "I Think I Love You" by The Partridge Family has always given me an erection and has made my ass want to burst with emotion.

Brian Vollmer, Helix:

Johnny B. Goode. It was what I consider to be the first rock n’ roll song ever.

Zinny J. Zan, Zan Clan/ex-Shotgun Messiah:

I have never been a lover of great symphonies or anything, I?m more of that simple and Raw feeling so I have to name 2 songs that really gets me going and no matter how bad mood I?m in I can always put on any of these 2 songs and there is a happy smile on my face again.

Back In The Saddle(Aerosmith from the "Rocks"album)

I really wish I had written them.



Welcome to Metal Sludge’s Rotten Roundup for April 2005!

Each month, we ask one ridiculous question to a random assortment of ‘rock stars’ and Metal Sludge celebrities, and then we’ll post all their answers here in one spot. We’ll ask the same question to people who have done 20 Questions with us, people who haven’t done 20 Questions with us, our past Sludgeaholics and Sludgettes of the Year, and all kinds of other friends of Metal Sludge. Some answers are short, and some go on and on. Some are funny, some are not. You never know what kind of answers we’ll get from people, so it’ll always be a surprise. Now you have Metal Sludge’s Rotten Roundup to look forward to at the end of each month. Hooray!

This month’s question is:

"What’s the strangest gift you’ve ever received from a fan?"

Mitch Allen, SR-71:

MY SUM 41 BATHROBE! During our "feud" with these guys, a radio programmer who loves SR-71 sent me a blue tericloth bathrobe with a giant "SUM 41" logo on the back. I think he thought he’d get a rise out of me but I’d loved it! Great marketing idea and quality wise, it’s the best robe I’ve ever owned.

August, Killingbird:

A drawing of us. Hand drawn and very well done too!

Frankie Banali, Quiet Riot:

Primate tranquilizers.

C.C. Banana, 2003 Sludgeaholic of the Year:

Nothing strange yet, but the most surprising gift I’ve ever received from a fan was an impromptu kiss on the lips from a beautiful and buxom blonde, upon winning tickets to an upcoming Overkill concert. Though I was more than happy to accept her gesture of gratitude, Janna Banana was less than amused…

Krys Barratto, ModiFY / ex-Samantha 7:

This little ditty I’d like to dedicate to Bryce at the KQRS Moring show. As some of you may or may not know, I used to date multi AVN award winner and Gen X porn queen Chloe for a year or two. Now, I come to find out that she had an exact replica of her ass made and is sold on her website, chloexxx.com (…and you all saw it here, Krys plugging Chloe!!!). By the way, she is also the anal queen if you didn’t already know that. Now that I think of it, I wonder if that fist toy on her site is mine, I know there was a mold made….hmmmm. Anywhooo, on tour in Europe some little hotty had come up to the bus and handed me a package, so I said "come on in". I opened it up, and getting all teared up with memories and, taking it as a hint, for what was on schedule for the evening, smiled from ear to ear. You’ll be happy to know it all worked out just fine and I still have that precious ass- still sealed in the package though you perverts !!!!!!! Love you all, we’ll do lunch.

Jason Becker, Cacophony / David Lee Roth Band:

This is tough. I have gotten homemade dolls of myself, pillows, jewelry, homemade raspberry jam, photos of women, but I don’t think any of those are strange. I think they are all sweet. So I guess I can’t think of anything weird.

Bunnie Blue, Sixty-10:

The very first Sixty-10 T-shirt that was made for us came from someone who I did not expect. That was strange and suprising at the same time.

Eric Brittingham, Cinderella / Naked Beggars:

Socks. Who would think, ?wow, i really love this band. I gotta buy them some socks.?

Jacob Bunton, Mars Electric / Lynam:

A blow job from her ear. After we played St. Andrews Music Hall in Detroit, this crazy chick kept rubbing my dick on her ear and …oh… wait.. you said gift. Um I guess food poisoning from a girl that brought us food in Cleveland.

Geezer Butler, Black Sabbath / GZR:

Probably a piece of sugar when I went to Japan. It had some significance, but to this day I can?t figure out what.

Ethan Collins, ex-White Trash:

Do you blow jobs count? That’s definitely the best gift… sometimes strange. One girl had the "White Trash" logo tattoed on her leg. It was pretty big too. That was like a strange gift of appreciation.

Alice Cooper:

A calve’s heart. Two girls that thought they were witches (oh, puh-leeze) left it at my doorstep.

Kevin DuBrow, Quiet Riot:

A girl gave me the clap in 1983. Does that count as a gift?

David Ellefson, F5 / ex-Megadeth:

A worn out old stinky shoe.

Jackie Enx, Rhino Bucket:

It wasn’t really a gift but back in the "Warrior" days, we had a pretty huge following..

I mean people sleeping on the sidewalk to get tickets and stuff.. it was truly surreal..

Anyway, I’m pretty friendly with fans and I would try to always make time for them but this one time this guy is waiting for me and I come out back stage and I see him pick an old newspaper up out of the alley behind the hall and then he asks me if I would wipe my sweat on it… hey, it is rock n’ roll right ?

Troy Patrick Farrell, Mike Tramp?s White Lion / Fastmaster:

I?ve gotten some really creepy letters, hair, and some strange powder? and panties? now most would think panties would be cool? but not if you saw this fan that sent it? (looks like I just lost a fan? down to 2 now).

?Are you my daddy?? has NOT been the strangest gift a fan has given me? yet?

Marc Ferrari, ex-Keel / Cold Sweat:

A voodoo doll.

Glenn ?Archie? Gamble, Helix / Popjoy:

I wont be sending any Thank You cards for those crabs, dammit!

Lizzie Grey, Spiders and Snakes / ex-London:

His girlfriend. Really. I was sitting at the Rainbow one night with Nadir and a couple girls, when this guy and his really hot girlfriend squeezed in next to me. I mean, her lips were more bee-stung than Angelina Jolie. After they sat down what he said to me was more than a little strange. "You’re Lizzie Grey! London is our favorite band, man." His girlfriend nodded, looking at me really weird as she proceeded to slip her hand over my crotch. YIKES! The dude smiled really weird too then, and said, "I want you to f–k my girlfriend, Lizzie. Okay?" "Ah gee, no, man. I just couldn’t, but thanks for the offer, really." Now you must understand that the whole time there was this little voice inside saying "Do it, man. Do it. She’s hot." But this other little voice kept saying, "No way. This is too weird. They?re probably from Texas Chainsaw Massacre." I’m kinda glad I didn’t accept the ?gift.? It?s the thought that counts anyway!

Alex Grossi, Quiet Riot / ex-Beautiful Creatures:

Chlamydia….. hope I spelled that right!

Vic Hix, Shok Paris / Aftershok:

It’s well-known that I lost a finger in a work related accident. A fan once sent me a replacement finger (hopefully it was from a cadaver) to see if I could use it! Now tell me that’s not messed up!!!!!

Matt Kramer, ex-Saigon Kick:

A size 2 pair of socks in Tokyo, in 1991 with Saigon Kick opening for Ozzy at The Budokan. They got some dedicated fans there. Lots and lots of gifts, I wont talk about me and the beautiful Japanese bombshell that rubbed me with hot water splashes from her hands head to toe after a steam room all nighter, or the models that we all walk out from the Lexington queen night club with in Roppongi, That was just one big strange ass gift.

Josh Lewis, ex-Warrant:

I haven’t had any fans in years, remember?

Mandy Lion, WWIII:

This one is legendary in the business of music by now… A fan sent me one of her nipples and a video tape of her taking it off as a token of her love for me… She was very cute actually and I would have dated her but I happen to like women with 2 nipples…

Lupus, Bloodhound Gang:

I don’t get many. We did get some CDs from fans a few times. The two best were one of a Hungarian girl singing love songs to Q-Ball (she stalked him at a hotel we stayed at, banging on all of our doors late at night), the other one is a girl singing songs, I think she wanted us to get her a deal. It was unlistenable.

Eric Martin, ex-Mr. Big:

I received a doll from a fan that was made to look like me (it was dressed like me), but it looked more like B. Sheehan with my big nose and brown wavy hair. Just what was she saying?

Kenny McGee, Julliet:

Theres has been plenty of those, but I always thought it was strange that complete strangers would give me pictures of themselves…. I guess I was supposed to keep them in my wallet?

Chris McLernon, ex-Saigon Kick:

Food. Any kind. It strikes me as odd that someone would make something for me and then expect me to eat it right there. I appreciate the effort and thought that went into it, but I am a picky (Read: pain in the ass) eater, so it was never a good idea.

And some food items were just odd.

Bean dip?

Alexx Michael, Shameless:

His girlfriend 4 an hour.

George Mihalovich, Aftershok:

What? Fans are supposed to give you gifts? Interesting. As usual, I’m missing the boat- I have a hard enough time trying to fans to buy our merchandise! The next thing someone will tell me is that chicks are supposed to dig guys in bands?

Darrell ?Dwarf? Millar, Killer Dwarfs / Automan.ca / ex-Laidlaw:

Just received Family Jewels/ACDC from a fan as a gift… not really that strange… but appropriate for me. Cant say I have really received gifts that were strange. That’s not including the ones that didnt make it across the border.

Jason Miller, Godhead:

Well one time I got a Ken doll with his hair cut off and painted with white make up to look like me. It actually looked really cool. Another time we got a 6 page letter in the mail from some dude declairing how much he loved us…but it looked like he had peed on it. And NO it didn’t look like the um…"other stuff."

Pat Muzingo, Junkyard:

Yeow, there has been a few real strange ones. In 1990 I got a Junkyard jean jacket from a fan. It was an exact replica of mine! Down to the stupid buttons and knick knacks. It was cool but, uh, I already had one!

Wendell Neeley, The Classic Metal Show:

A card and a letter from a young female fan, along with a hand drawn picture of herself in crayon, explaining to me that this is what she looked like.

Marty O?Brien, Methods of Mayhem/Static-X/Disturbed/etc. etc.:

A wooden hippopotamus. I’m not lying. I still have it. Don’t laugh… I actually like it.

Eddie Ojeda, Twisted Sister:

Once I got a Rose from a girl fan that did not smell anything like a rose. When I asked the guys in the band and our sound man Charlie what it reminded them of they all said that?s been there.

Jizzy Pearl, Love/Hate / Ratt / etc. etc.:


Ted Poley, Danger Danger:


Randall, Sixty-10:

That has to be the all-expense paid trip I got from a die hard fan. Yup, all expenses paid to beautiful middle of nowhere Illinois, population 437. And all you can eat sweet corn on the cob. Homegrown. So was the ditch weed. I did manage to escape back to Florida with a farm girl, though. So I guess the whole charade was pretty strange. With a decent outcome.

Amy ?Stalker Jr.? Romano, 2003 Sludgette of the Year:

I don’t have any fans, and if I did… where the hell are my gifts?! Well, my stalker gave me a gift for my birthday. He flew out from Tenn to LA. Picked me up in San Diego, and we drove back to LA, and then he drove me back home to San Diego. Anyway, I put some music on for the car ride. Now everyone knows JR Stinkfish loves me. Well, we had a fight in the car, but to rekindle the flame we lost, so I put on White Lion’s "Wait". Stinky might remember most of that drive, my memory sucks. But it went down something like that. So anyway… that was like in what, Sept? Fast forward to Jan, my birthday. I get a gift in the mail from Stinky. He went god knows where and found a stuffed animal of a White Lion. It’s really cute and really soft. He hangs out with my Alice Cooper Teddy Bear. I may not have fans, but I got stalkers!

Billy Rowe, American Heartbreak / ex-Jetboy:

A restaurant menu ???

Jamie Rowe, London Calling / Guardian:

I really can’t think of getting anything strange? most were really thoughtful gifts.

Acey Slade, Trashlight Vision / Murderdolls:

A heart of some kind in a jar of Formaldehyde or Alcohol or some shit. She also had all of our names carved into her body.

Jaime St. James, Warrant / Black ?N Blue:

It’s when a dude offers me his wife.

Mick Sweda, ex-BulletBoys / King Kobra:

Let’s see…was it the dried up hornets nest? Or the thick and voluminous scrapbooks of cut and paste words and pictures of myself scary enough to make me want to be flayed with a dull carpet cutter rather than face another mail drop? Perhaps the Wolfenstein 3D floppies I got (from some unknown but omniscient spectre of a fan) before I’d ever played a computer game, before I ever knew they were all consuming and life altering, before I knew I would one day revel in the nightly online slaughter of thousands of adolescents and preteens. Over and over again. The wooden phone shaped like a car? Or could it have been the Bibles? Yes, it must be the Bibles. They were very much lost on me, but thanks anyway!!

Mike Tramp, White Lion:

A ziplock sandwich bag full of pubic hairs.

Joe Lynn Turner, ex-Rainbow / Deep Purple / Yngwie Malmsteen / et al:

I got a beautiful envelope wrapped in a bow and all and inside was a suicide letter. This Italian woman said she would commit suicide if I did not screw her.

She said she would hang herself of the lobby of this hotel. What I thought was a gift turned out to be suicide note and threat. I ended up meeting with her and talking her out of it, thank God!

Brian Vollmer, Helix:

We met this biker guy in Lethbridge by the name of "Vern" who gave us each a $100 U.S. bill, so we let him ride with us to Portage La Prairie. On the way he got all fucked up and pulled out a gun, waving it around inside the van. Two weeks later he showed up in Kitchener and held a knife to Brent’s throat saying, "You’re my bro-so I’m going to off ya!" Brent somehow managed to get the knife away from him. Two days after that he once again threatened Brent and our soundman Ken (at Fryfogel’s Tavern in London). We phoned the cops and he screwed off, never to be seen again.

Zinny J. Zan, Zan Clan / ex-Shotgun Messiah:

I once recieved some nude pics from a girl who was doing different stunts with a huge dildo and asking me if I would like to go out with her. I thought it was pretty strange cause all she needed to do was to send a regular pic of herself and I could have decided whether I would date her or not. This was overkill for me.


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