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Page Sludge for 9/16/04


Jani’s Page Sludge

Jani Lane’s new job?

September 16, 2004

Hey, is that a picture Jani Lane working at a drive-thru? One of our hardcore Sludgeaholics posted that on the Gossip Board, and while we can’t verify its authenticity, it would surely explain why Jani felt compelled to drop off the Bad Boys of Metal tour. He had to be back at work! If that photo above really is legitimate, then it’s nice to see Jani making an honest living, so we can’t really make too much fun of that.

Anyhow, it’s been nearly a month since I’ve posted a ‘Page Sludge,’ so I thought I’d take this opportunity to let everyone know the latest happenings here at Camp Sludge.

Our Metal Sludge Extravaganza 9 is only 1 day away! Sludgeaholics are coming in from all over the country and even from overseas for this one! Some of you are hard core enough to fly around the globe just to come to one of our parties, and that’s because you know how crazy and unique a Metal Sludge Extravaganza can be. Feedback about our recent parties at Paladino’s in Tarzana, CA indicate that they keep outdoing each one before it, so Saturday’s Extravaganza promises to be the best one yet.

Didn’t plan ahead, but now you want to go? There’s still time to make last minute travel plans. Who cares if you missed the 7-day advanced purchase fares? It’s worth it to pay for the full premium flights. Go ahead and max out your credit card; head out to the airport now and buy a ticket at the airport! Just be sure to save a few extra bucks for drinks, souvenirs, hookers, and whatever else you might need at the party. And those of you who live in Southern California don’t have any excuse not to show up. Couldn’t get the night off work? Can’t find a babysitter? We don’t fucking want to hear it! Let the kids fill in for you at your job while you go to the party. You can deal with Family Social Services on Monday.

The list of VIPs that have contacted us and said they’re coming out Saturday night keeps growing and growing. Come mingle with Metal Sludge celebrities of all shapes and sizes. There is a mile-high pile of shit to give away. (Well, not actual shit, but… you know what we mean.) So it’s safe to say that if you don’t show up, you won’t get shit, so don’t say we didn’t avail the opportunity to you. Your loss is someone else’s gain, because they’ll end up with more shit!

Enough shit talking, but here’s a final word of advice: Don’t be a fuckup and show up late. By 11 p.m. there is often a line of people outside waiting to get in, and you’ll be one of them if you don’t get there early. Show up at 8! You’ll get to check out new Sludge-friendly bands like Madison Paige and National Dust, plus you’ll have enough time to properly craft your buzz.

On another note, we’ve got some new contributors to our staff that you’ll be seeing from time to time, including a dikey biker chick named Doro Jett, the mysterious Clifford "Junior" Newsted, the always stoned (yet still angry) Blackie Z’Nuff, and Jet Boy George, our first openly gay staff member. Well, at least we all assume he’s gay. Who knows. Oh, and we can’t forget the one and only Lord Satyr Filth, the first truly demonic member of the staff. He’s been living in the basement of Sludge Headquarters for a while now, listening to Cannibal Corpse, drawing pentagrams, burning black candles, sacrificing goats, and freaky shit like that. Well, Floyd discovered him down there one day when he was looking for a quiet place to pleasure himself, and so we’ve named Lord Satyr Filth as our resident expert on death, gloom, grindcore, death metal and old-school satanic thrash. This cast of characters will be contributing to occasional SludgeWires and writing reviews from time to time. So if you were reading our recently posted CD reviews and were wondering, "Just who the fuck is ‘Lord Satyr Filth’?" Well… you now have the answer.

Your Paragon of Sludge,

Jani Bon Neil

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