Reworking The Ozzfest
by Iann Robinson
Recently I was bitching about how there aren’t very many bands on this year’s Ozzfest that I’d like to see.. Don’t get me wrong, I love the Ozzfest, to me it’s second only to the New England Metal And Hardcore Festival as the greatest Metal-fest around. That being said it doesn’t mean it couldn’t stand a nip or tuck here and there to keep it current. As the years passed I’ve noticed an alarming trend towards Nu-Metal or bad hardcore filling up the second stage and the main stage having to use up space for bands that are there year after year. Tired of hearing me complain my friends told me to redesign the Ozzfest to what I think it should be. First off that’s impossible because the price tag to be on Ozzfest is so hefty that many deserving bands can’t even approach doing it without selling their souls to the Devil. Outside of the price tag there’s also the politics of being on any big tour, who knows who, who’s manager is down with who’s manager and so on. Most of the bands that make great music don’t have a power-team behind them, so it makes it tough. However, after thinking it over I decided to pretend three things: 1. Cost wasn’t an issue 2. People were smart enough to come see great music instead of music they were told is great 3. Politics had nothing to do with it. With this in mind I decided to remove the bands I found boring, didn’t belong or just plain sucked and reworked the roster the way I’d like to see it. I didn’t add or subtract any bands, I just replaced bands where I saw fit. So check out my new roster and prepare to argue.
BLACK SABBATH: Of course they stay, I’ll watch Ozzy do Ozzy or Black Sabbath until either he or I drop dead.
JUDAS PRIEST: Of fucking course I want to see original Priest kick ass after such a long absence, so they can stay.
SLAYER: Do I even need to say this, fucking Gods, they stay as well.
DIMMU BORGIR: I don’t much care for them but there’s not much of a Black Metal presence on Ozzfest and they are a decent band, so let ‘em stay.
MOTORHEAD: Because they have a new album out, because it’s Lemmy and because Lemmy is God.
NEUROSIS: A god like band with a brilliant new album. These guys deserve nothing but good things and they deserve to be on Ozzfest’s Main Stage
SLIPKNOT: Metal "purists" bitch about these guys but fuck them because Slipknot rock. Deep down even these metal purist knuckleheads know that.
LAMB OF GOD: Lamb Of God are a band that I have grown to like a lot both on record and live. .
MASTODON: Mastodon are one of the best new bands out right now, nobody can bring it like they can.
KILLSWITCH ENGAGE: A much better band than Atreyu and Atreyu said "Fuck Black Sabbath" so those bitches shouldn’t even be on this tour.
BACKSTABBERS, Inc: These guys are heavy, fast and really, really fucking pissed. If you don’t own their new album go pick it up now!!!!
SUFFOCATION: Old school Death Metal back in solid form, it seems like a no-brainer that they should be on the Ozzfest.
HIMSA: I found these guys at the New England Metal And Hardcore Festival two years ago and I love ‘em. A much stronger mix of metal and hardcore than most bands.
UNEARTH: I always did like these guys, so they can stay.
GODFORBID: Great band who’s had a bitchy year, they deserve to be on stage at Ozzfest.
16: This is one of the greatest bands of all time and they’re breaking up. They need to go out with a bang on Ozzfest.
FIREBALL MINISTRY: While bands like Magna Fi and Jet try to hipster their way through rock, Fireball Ministry actually bring the real deal. A killer band with an amazing vocalist.
HATEBREED: A crowd favorite and Jamey is a good guy so let ‘em stay.
DISFEAR: These guys came out of nowhere on Relapse records and blew me away. A crushing combination of speed metal and Motorhead.
BLACK DAHLIA MURDER: A really great blend of death metal and thrash metal, I love these guys and I’d get there early to see them at Ozzfest.
So there it is, my pick of the ultimate Ozzfest. If the bands I cut are upset with me, well, fuck ‘em, not my problem. I think too many shitty bands get put out there because they have a label with a serious cash flow or because they snuck a video on MTV or Fuse. Most of those bands are here today and gone tomorrow and while they are here it’s torture to listen to them. Hopefully Ozzfest will hear me and lower prices but at least maybe I clued some folks into bands they might not know about. My work is done here.