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Ask the Stars 15 – Greg D’Angelo and Troy Patrick Farrell

 

Ask the Stars!

with…

Former White Lion drummer Greg D’Angelo &
Tramp’s White Lion drummer TroyPatrickFarrell!

It’s the attack of the White Lion drummers!

For our June 2005 edition of Ask the Stars, we were able to talk both Greg D’Angelo and TroyPatrickFarrell into giving advice to the Sludgeaholics in sore need of guidance (and, quite possibly, medication).

In case you didn’t know, and who could blame you, Greg D’Angelo was the drummer for White Lion back in their Pride/Big Game/Big Hair glory days in the late 80s and early 90s. Most recently, Greg joined AntiProduct for their tour of Eastern Europe and is now a full member of the band. Why, we’ll never know, but that’s the way the silicone jiggles. (You can read some of Greg’s escapades weekly in the very exciting and currently-running AntiProduct Tour Diary.)

And who doesn’t know the drummer for the most recent incarnation of Tramp’s White Lion, none other than TroyPatrickFarrell! "Drummer Troy," as he makes us call him, not only just got off tour with Mike Tramp & company, but he’s also the author of the still-in-progress White Lion Tour Diary. Yes, the tour’s been over for almost 3 months, but we’ve been promised one more update, so we’re shitting our pants with anticipation of entry #5.

Anyhow, DrummerTroy has taken time away from writing his final masterpiece, and Greg has taken time out of whatever it is he does, just to help you guys out with all of your fucked-up questions. Here you go!


Dear Rock Star,

My mother is banging the mailman. I kid you not. Unfortunately I still live at home because I am looking for a job. My room is in the basement. About three times a week, my mother invites him in when he delivers the mail around 3 pm and they do their thing right above my ceiling. It’s usually over in 15 minutes but I know the neighbors are starting to wonder why their mail is late. Should I tell the Post Office?

I think you should let your mom have her fun. It would probably enhance the experience for them if you got a Barry White album and played it really loud when the ceiling started rattling.

Wow?so your mailman doesn?t get the mail in the correct ?box? either huh?…Everytime I get my mail?I get bills for the lady in the back house?Four words?PO BOX!!… We might be able to solve this problem, and kill 2 birds w/ one stone..you could rat him out..and then take his job..and solve both issues and get out of your ma?s basement?but..we must answer a few questions first?. Is Ma married? If not, she?s an adult, and even though the mailman might be overstepping his governmental priviledges abit, they?re both adults. (My bro and I still think our middle brother might have come from the Milkman?so, it?s not all that bad. The Milkman was cool. His name was Sherman, and he?d eat most of our breakfast, then bail)?I digress?

I think it?s weird to hear ma shaggin the mailman while you?re @ home jobless, more incentive to maybe take that Burger Flippin job? But you do mention it?s about 15 minutes, and that?s way above average?so as a guy, that?s worth a high five (do guys still do that shit?) (more about average sex sessions here. The Turks blow their wads in just over 3 ? minutes!)

I wouldn?t worry about your neighbors and their mail, you might have bigger problems. I?d make sure this guy is a good guy, and if not, you got something on him?.but if ma digs him, and he?s cool, maybe they?ll end up together and you?ll be a possible beneficiary to his government pension and free issues of stolen Playboys?

If he?s a prick and doesn?t respect you?Run to the Post Office and rat him out, get his job!! And Oh, can you let them know I am getting the lady?s mail from the rear house?

Angry w/ My Postman too!
..troy


Dear Star,

There’s a guy at work that stares at my breasts every time we have a conversation. He never talks dirty to me and he never puts his hands on me. But it’s weird, whenever we talk, he can never seem to make eye contact. My bra size is 36 DD and I really like wearing low-cut blouses in the summertime. What can I do?

Come work at my local Starbucks.

Can you blame him?? You could solve this easily?you could wear a Parka, or get breast reduction?.Both difficult to do in the summertime I suppose. Do you like this guy? Is He Creepy? If he?s creepy, then call him on it?.or give him a polaroid and ask him to look @ that before he speaks to you? I mean, you ARE walking around w/ Double D?s w/ a low cut top?guys are retarded..what do you expect? If he?s scary though, call him on it?most likely he?ll freak out, and never talk to you again?which could hinder your work relationship..

But, in all honesty, I can?t really give you the actual answer until I see the facts?should you want a more in depth answer, email a photo of Said Double D?s in low cut top to [email protected] and I can give you a more explicit answer. Good Luck?(ps?actually, just call him a jagoff, tell him to stop looking at your titties, and he will..he?ll be freaked you even knew?)

Waiting for an email of DD?s!
…troy


Sometimes we have movie day at work. This is when we watch movies on dvd all day long on a coworkers laptop. My coworkers keep the volume too loud and I’m worried about all of us getting caught. I have told them people can hear it all the way down the hall but they claim they cant. Should I continue to watch movies at work or should I sit in my car while they do this. Oh by the way it is a federal government job.

Well if it?s a Federal Government job your probably doing more work by watching the movies than anyone else who is working with you. Buy some popcorn, get a comfortable seat and wait for the impending budget cut.

Movie Day @ work?…where do I apply? I would think sitting in your car all day would do more harm than being in the ?office? watching a movie?@ least your in the building. Why don?t you just do my tax dollars a favor and just do your job? Why are you two only choices watching movies or baking in your car? I?m not surprised your work for the gov?t. Just file your papers or fax something to someone, whatever it is you were hired to do, do that? Or..just go to this site and ask them!

applying at my local Fed job bringing a box of popcorn too,

?troy


Ask the Stars:

I?ve always wanted to get with Steven Adler. I?ve been such a fan for a long time and I think he?s sexy as fuck. He?s so hot in that Sweet Child of Mine video. I?ve imagined running my fingers through his beautiful feathered locks while he whispers sweet nothings in my ear. Can you hook me up?

Signed,

xoxo Candy

No

Keep watchin the old vids?I think Steven is married now.?but..I?m sure if you met him, you?d be able to run your fingers thru his feathered locks?as long as you?ll let him run his fingers through your Coke Collection. (He prefers Cans to bottles).

?Can you hook me up? That sounds like something Steven would sweetly whisper in your ear!!!…

I do love Steven?he?s got a huge heart?I guess I?d have to see you first to get you hooked up?so..the jury is out on this one.

Not into Pepsi either,
?.troy


Dear Star people,

Whenever I start my car, it makes a long sound that kind of goes like, *click* *click* *click* *click* *click* *click* *click* *click* *click* *click* *click* *click* *click* *click* *click* *click* *click* *click* *click* r-r-r-r-r-r- r-r-r-r- r-r-r-r- r-r-r-r- r-r-r-r- r-r-r-r- r-r-r-r- r-r-r-r- r-r-r-r- r-r-r-r- r-r-r-r- r-r-r-r- r-r-r-r- r-r-r-r- r-r-r-r- r-r-r-r- r-r-r-r- r-r-r-r- r-r-r-r- r-r-r-r- r-r-r-r- r-r-r-r- r-r-r-r- r-r-r-r- r-r-r-r- r-r-r-r- r-r-r-r- r-r-r-r- r-r-r-r- r-r-r-r- r-r-r-r- r-r-r-r- r-r-r-r- r-r-r-r- r-r-r-r- r-r-r-r- r-r-r-r- r-r-r-r- r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r- R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R- R-R-R- R-R-R- R-R-R- R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R- R-R-R-R-R-R- R-R-R-R-R-R- R-R-R-R-R-R- R-R-R- R-R-R- R-R-R-R-R-R- R-R-R- R-R-R- R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-RRRRRRRRRR, and then it starts.

How much do you think it will cost to get it fixed?

Signed,

Pissed off because I own a Ford.

One Million Dollars ? but if you wait long enough, Ford will probably issue a recall.

The clicking could be a few things? Either your battery is lame, or you have a shitty starter. You might even have a bad connection. The clicking, then the crank, tells me your connection might be bad, or it?s your starter as opposed to your battery. You could also throw in a shot ignition, but probably not. If it?s the starter (or starter solenoid) and a short, depending on the model (not mentioned), I?d say your out of the woods installed for 150.00 or less. You might want to clean your battery terminals, have your battery tested (free @ Auto Zone/Pep Boys, Kragen), and if that?s good, it?s prob. your starter or a bad connection. Do you notice this happens when it?s hot or all the time? That will be good to note if you get it fixed..

Or for a more expensive route, replace said FORD w/ a GM?.and you won?t have this issue.

not manny, moe, or jack

?.troy


Dear Metal Sludge-sanctioned star: (exactly!)

I have this song stuck in my head but I can?t think of who does it. There?s one part of the lyrics I have going over and over in my head and it goes like this:

?My friends wonder why I ball you all of the time, what can I say
I don?t feel the need to give such secretions away
You think maybe I need help, no, I know that I?m right
I?m just better off not licking to friend?s advice?

Any idea what song that is? It?s driving me nuts!

Thank you,

Lance

That?s a little tune called ?San Diego? written in the 17th century by a German Monk who?s name escapes me. The original recording had a wonderful jazz flute solo.

Lance?based on these highly intelligently thought out lyrics, it?s probably an Anti Product song..(hi Alex!)

go to this site for more, or do yourself a favor and buy a Kings X or Magna-Fi CD?

Not giving my secretions away??troy


I’m what you call a "good" girl and I am totally head over heels with a metal guy. We live in two different worlds. He’s loud and obnoxious with his friends, drinks, takes drugs, and I can’t bring him home to my mother. On top of that, he is pressuring me to have sex. I’m holding out until I get married. But he’s really a good guy and I want to marry him. I’m using his computer to type to you right now because he loves this site. What do I do?

You should bring him home to your mother ? probably more fun than she?s had in a while.

Good girl, maybe, Retarded?a little. I love how you contradict yourself by saying the both of you live in two different worlds, he?s loud, drinks, TAKES DRUGS, pressures you to have sex against your wishes?but he?s a good guy and you want to marry him? You say you?re a good girl? Wow, that definition sure has changed over the years hasn?t it?.

I think you need to grow up a bit and explore this ?Metal Guy? a bit more.. and if he continues to pressure you for sex?move on? (or just let him bone you and put pictures up on the Gossip Board!)

Definitely NOT a metal guy??.and expecting this girl to be Heels over Head w/ this guy

??troy


Advice Please!

Me and my buddies went out the other night and my friend met a chick that is kind of hot but she smells like ass. My buddy wanted to hook up with her and said he didn?t smell it. Thing is, he?s kind of portly, lives at home, has acne and I don?t think he?s ever been laid. Should I try and talk him into bailing on this chick or just let him hit it and hope for the best?

Thanks,
Mean Friend or Life Saver

One man’s gold is another’s pool of biker vomit in a pile of rotten shrimp.

For sure!!?let him hit that stinky ass smelling hottie! We all have some skeletons in our closets?let him get his out of the way now?.

hoping your bro hits the stinky chick?.
?troy


Hey,

I?m basically a hired gun musician (drummer) in a band that?s opening for another national act on tour, playing small to medium sized clubs. The first night of the tour, and not more than 2 minutes after the encore song at the end of the night, the drummer in the national act yelled at me to start tearing down shit. So I?m there, it?s my job I?m ok with helping but he didn?t have to scream at me in front of fans wanting autographs and shit. Then two nights later he did it again, so every night after that I tore down while he did shots and scammed on chicks in the bar. I don?t know what to do next time that happens. Do you think I should flip out and beat his ass right in front of everyone? That will teach him, right?

Thanks,

E.D.

I think you should give him a shot right on the Jack Johnson. Keep your head on a swivel, it?s a must when your in a cockfight! Alternatively, you can just stab him repeatedly with a trident. (??you realize that this is a joke?..right?)

E.D?.this is an interesting one for me..as I had to be a dick a few times..but it was a bit different for me..as I was psuedo Tour Manager on the Tramp?s White Lion tour?So I was responsible for making sure the show was complete, but still ending before curfew so we could do merch, meet/greet etc..and that?s more than important on these club tours. If a band is making you late and hindering Merch sales, that?s NOT cool. Remember, you?re on their tour. Either way..there?s no reason for this guy to be a cock just because..unless you guys are somehow hindering their show?but if you guys are alotted your time (prob 20 to 35 min, maybe more if you?re direct support), and you stay within that time, go to their TM and explain the problem..but approach it as??hey, there seems to be confusion w/ tear down and the amount of time needed/alotted for it, what do we need to do to get your show on faster?..most likely they?ll come back and say you?re fine and then maybe have the TM mention that to the dickhead drummer..and maybe he?ll lay off?Beating his ass doesn?t do much but add fun to the sludge boards?so skip all the pussy shit above..and just lay him out!..

In all honesty..be a pro, try and look at the big picture and learn..you might just learn that some people are just dicks..?.But, let him be the dickhead?most likely he?s just trying to set the pecking order w/ the openers?lame, but that?s what dudes do sometimes. You also might learn that although his tact isn?t the best..he has a point?

Regarding the chicks?he can?t scam chicks if they?re not letting him..and who cares..do you want to get into his pants?.

Good Luck!…

(then my mind started thinking a bit) E.D. (Eric Donner (enuff znuff??) is this you?…All you had to do was come up and ask me what was up..and I would?ve explained all this to you..and you might have understood my position, being responsible for that tour..and trying to make my boss happy?

Well that tour is over now..hopefully you learned something?I learned a lot?and that?s certainly worth more than the pay we got?

?..troy

UPDATE: after re-reading this?I was miffed as to why the drummer in the support act would be getting yelled at AFTER the Encore?? What support act gets an Encore? So then it made me think this was in fact possibly (King) Eric..as we shared a kit, and after our set..we had to break down the gear..so after the TWL encore maybe I asked him to help out?but I never yelled at him…not after the 1st show..it was after 10 shows John Monaco was breaking down my drums more than Eric was?anyway..all that shit is HERE in the tour diary? Remember Eric, that I set up and loaded in and out every night, but when it was time to settle, I had to disappear, and that means we all had to help?anyway?

who knows..maybe this is just a planted email?.I still love the King! and still stand by my actions?


Hello!

I?m kind of embarrassed to ask but I can?t stop thinking about this. Do you think it?s ok that I want to be smacked around a little while having sex? Would you be into it if a girl asked you to do something like that or would it freak you out?

Thanks!

Trish the Dish

Trish the Dish?..you?re a freak! All though I am oddly aroused!

Some people think it?s weird to have sex Doggy Style, so if you like the occassional black eye?go with it?who cares?

I think if you?re comfortable w/ the other person, you should be able to request whatever, and if they?re not into it, you should be open to that as well. It needs to be open both ways, but that doesn?t necessarily mean that you both will dig what the other digs?

not hitting my chick?..
troy


Dear Sludge Star,

Is it creepy to email a rock star and try to hook up with them or is that stalkerish?

xoxo,
Mandy

That depends ? what do you look like.

Mandy?I am not offended by your efforts?I told you once already, I don?t think you?re a stalker!..

stay in touch, troy


Dear Hair Farmer,

My wife use to be crazy about & loved my waist length hair. I never played in a band, but looked the part. Now we have 2 kids, I’m 36 and she’s 32. I’m also a little, okay, I’m pretty fucking bald. My cut & trim adonis body and hair are gone. Now she looks at me like a uncle and I catch her starring at dudes In the mall with long hair, abs, and youth on their side. She even rells me I’m a pig and that I’m lazy.

What can I do to bring her back.

Jack Johnson
Dallas, Texas

Exercise and don?t Supersize. ?

Fuck Jack..you got issues?Do you drink?…if not..start. I would try to find some famous people you might admire and perhaps look like?and see how some Stars are wearing their thinning ?do. Look @ Bruce Willis?he looks pretty cool now. The worst was when he was hanging on to hair that just didn?t want to be on his head anymore? You might also want to watch the brews and trim up a bit, you?re only 36, it?s not the end of your life? You can also try punching your wife in the face during sex, that?ll get her attention! (I really don?t advise this?.she may hit you back, Harder). As far as being a pig and being lazy..maybe look and see if that might be the case?

Go to this website.. that might be a good start!…good luck!…

Not Bruce Willis?.or wearing a bandana in the shower??..

troy


Dear Star,

I remember playing this video game for the PC years ago(mid to late 90’s), but i can’t remember the name. The game had a top down view like Grand Theft Auto 1&2. In fact it was a lot like the old GTA’s, but you couldn’t exit your vehicle and walk around. It was set in the future, your character was part of the police or army, you drove cars or flew planes(don’t remember which or maybe it was both), you had all kinds of missions like defending the city from enemies, escort missions, destroying buildings etc..

any help is appreciated! Thanks!

Isn?t that ?Operation Iraqi Freedom?

Not being a huge ?gamer?, I don?t recall this one?but I did find a comprehensive website you can waste your day on possibly finding this GTA-like gem?

It sorts out by year, genre, etc..and maybe you?ll stumble into it!
the site is HERE

good luck?gotta get back to my Roller Coaster Tycoon..

troy


Did Anakin burn his tadger in the lava?

Vaughn

Yeah ? that?s why he breathes heavy now.

I was into the 1st 3 Star Wars?(or is it the last 3?? I?m so confused..) and then sort of lost touch?it doesn?t however make your question obsolete. I went to a silly Star Wars Forum for this answer?the best one was: well…from a medical perspective, a lot of patients who have operations to remove bowel cancers and such have a tube leading directly from the end of their intestines into a little plastic bag. vader’s bag is probably located in his suit somewhere. though this does raise another question…does vader eat?

as for his johnson, a lot of men who have lost their equipment go on to lead happy, fulfilling lives…

Okay..maybe it doesn?t answer your question but you can read the rest of the silly answers and angry responses for asking such a proposturous question HERE

Not wearing a Storm Trooper suit to the movies
?.troy


Dear star,

I do everything my boyfriend wants when we fuck, blow him, let him cum in my mouth, fuck me in any position whenever he wants at any time of the day. But then one day he started sticking his finger in my butt, and I let him do it a few times, but then one time it just wasn?t a good day for that, you know? and he got all mad at me and he just quit fucking. I didn?t mean to upset him, but I don?t want him jamming his finger up my ass every time we fuck either. It?s not like I have a prostate or anything. Now he can?t get it up and seems to have lost all interest in me. What should I do?

Val
Lexington, KY

Hmmm???

Val..being a fan of the finger in the butt thing myself, I might be able to help?It sounds like you?re a champ, and maybe he isn?t as understanding as he should be?.not everyday is a butt day, and a guy into a chicks ass should know this?it?s also for his benefit as well as yours. I don?t think he digs your butt looking for a prostate, it?s the forbidden area, and that?s probably as much of the turn on than anything else?the mental part of it?and if you gave up the ass everytime..what fun would that be? That would make it no longer ?forbidden?, and we?d have to find another orifice. If you?re into this guy, and want him turned on, and as long as you dig it too?next time, grab his hand and lead it to the forbidden zone yourself?that will turn him on..or the next time he?s ?down there?, push his head to your backdoor, he?ll probably propose to you, (once he gets his tongue out of your ass)!

If all else fails, and he?s just a dick..shove your finger up his ass and see what he says then?

Good luck!

A Guy who knows when it?s NOT a good day to finger the butt
?.troy


What does it mean when a girl that you?re ?just friends? with starts flirting with you, but gets mad when you make a move? A girl I?ve known for a very long time totally started flirting with me. She was always touching me, saying crazy stuff about sex, and she even started making out with another girl in front of me. So I tried kissing her one night and she freaked out! I don?t get it. Should I get her drunk and try again, or forget it.

Johnny Darko

Run for your life

Johnny, It means she?s sort of a Cock Tease?she gets something out of it knowing she can do what she wants w/ you & you?ll respect the boundaries of your just friends ?friendship? not really making her a friend at all. Maybe she does want to bang you..who knows..but she?s toying with you..

I?d get her best friend drunk and do her best friend?then share the experience with her because you always share stuff with your ?just friends? friend??

?..make sure you share w/ us too!….

??troy

www.antiproduct.com
www.drummertroy.com


Got problems? We all do, but do you want a random Metal Sludge-sanctioned celebrity to help you sort out your worries, concerns, and fucked-up feelings? Then send your questions to [email protected] and we’ll see if we can’t find someone to make you feel all better.

 

Ask the Stars!

with…


Naked Beggars singer Inga Brittingham!

For our April 2005 edition of "Ask the Stars," we have none other than Naked Beggars singer Inga Brittingham on hand to give advice and to answer your fucked-up questions! Now, Inga’s never done a 20 Questions with Metal Sludge before, but she’s come up with some of the sickest responses for our whacky monthly feature, the Rotten Roundup. Plus she’s married to Cinderella bass player Eric Brittingham! We like the way she thinks, so we figured she’d be awesome to meter out advice to the Sludgeaholics in need. Here she is to help you guys out.


Dear Star,

What’s the best way to remove unwanted body hair? I’m a bit sensitive to chemicals and don’t want to get a rash from pouring Nair all over my crotch. Thanks for any help or advice.

S.T.

Dear S.T.,

Ripping straight out would be the best route. It hurts but it’s better than getting burnt. Have you tried those insects that eat the hair. Gosh, what movie was that from…I wish I could get a hold of those bugs.


After reading Motley Crue’s "The Dirt", I am addicted to reading about rock stars’ sordid and glamorous lives. Have any other metal bands written autobiographies or had biographies written about them that are worth reading? I am currently reading Aerosmith’s "Walk this way".

Metal Sludge is all the reading material you need to keep up on the latest shit!


I really need some advice. So, I’m going to a concert in a few weeks (happens to be Motley Crue) and I really want to get backstage to meet the band. Do you have any tips (short of giving head to the entire road crew)? Thanks.

~Cyn

Dear Cyn,

Worming your way backstage is always hard. But the better liar you are the easier it will be to get there! Learn maybe the head honcho’s name and drop it, maybe get a press pass made. You Can Dewwww it! And if that shit doesn’t work, you can always try sneaking by. They can’t watch everyone who walks by!!


Priest or Maiden?

Thanks,

Metal Hoops

Dear Metal Hoops,

Priest


Dear Star,

I have a real wicked step mother. I mean like fuckin Cinderella style here. Always bitching, complaining and nagging. She thinks I’m this devil child even though the whole community knows how nice of a guy I am. I don’t know how I’m going to handle living with her until I graduate this summer. What do you suggest I do to put up with this bitch until I move out to university?

thanks, Steve-O

Dear Steve-O,

Did you ever think that maybe you are doing something to make her complain? And is she by any chance getting laid. Maybe you could get your dad to give it up a little. Make sure she is taken care of, ya know what I’m saying!


Dear Sludge Star or starette,

I’m in an 80s rock tribute band in England. Instead of wearing a wig, I want to get big hair myself. Now my hair’s getting pretty long, but whenever I try to get it to go big, it just falls over again. How do I get that huge hair spikey Nikki Sixx look? I’m only 20 so I wasn’t around when it was socially acceptable (if it ever was) to ask this shit!

Thanks,

Jonny

Dear Jonny,

Who is your hairdresser? Have you asked a hairdresser. You can’t just have long hair. You have to have some sort of cut. My friend Lora Seligmann, hairstylist extraordinaire! She can give you some advice! Look for her on Myspace, she’ll love to help ya! He he he!!!


Dear star,

over the past few months, I have fell in love with one of my female friends, she knows how I feel but says she is involved with someone else, which is true but her closest friends tell me her boyfriend is a "fag"! She says she can’t rule out the possibility of us ever being more than friends, but I don’t know what to do now, I feel so strongly about her and would do anything to make her mine. Can you please give me some advice on what to do…. I am only 15 by the way.

Holy cow, by the way, there is going to be a lot more things for you to worry about then being with some chick at 15. Girls are way too fickle at that age as well as guys. You will change your mind as soon as you bump into some finer chick. Don’t forget she is dating a "fag". And if she goes after you, what do you think that that may mean? Some chicks dig fags, that is why they are called "fag hags".

Here is a question: What is her dad like? Whatever her dad is like is exactly what you need to be, that what the chick wants. It’s all psychological bullshit.


Dear Star,

My boss yelled at me the other day. He does it a lot for seemingly no reason and it’s getting kind of old. I was thinking about killing him, but don’t want to spend the rest of my life in jail if I get caught. How can I get him back good?

Thanks,

Tommy

Dear Tommy,

First of all, your right don’t kill. Second of all, you should start your own business and just steal all of his ideas and clients. I bet he’ll love that!


Dear Random Metal Sludge Celebrity,

My boyfriend is so mean! Everything was going great and then he forgot to give me anything for my birthday. When I asked him about it, he said that most normal people should stop expecting everyone to make a big deal about their birthday around the age of 12. What should I do? Everything else is fine, and he’s good to me, but that was just plain mean. Should I dump him, or is he right? Should I just figure my birthday really isn’t that big of a deal anymore?

Laura, Milwaukee, WI

Dear Laura,

It’s really not the most important thing on earth that he gives you something for your birthday. If you ask me, that actually is a little selfish. Here’s the real question: Does he love you? Does he normally do cool things for you? If so, then shut up and deal. If he isn’t, yeah, dump him.


dear metal sludge ask the stars,

A long time ago I dropped acid and had a blast. Then I tried it again a few weeks ago and it didn’t do much for me. Very boring. Did I just get some bunk tabs, or do I already have a tolerance and need to take more next time?

Thanks,

Steve S.
in Lincoln, NE

Dear Steve S.,

I’ve always learned that not all things are created equal. And neither was your acid. I myself stick to all natural items.


Dear star,

I need to make dinner and here’s all I have: a bag of frozen peas, a box of bisquick, a can of spam, and a tub of margarine. What can I make with that? Or should I just order a pizza?

J.L.T.

Dear J.L.T.,

By the time you read this, I would hope that you would have some other options. But, I would butter a pan, mix the bisquick to make biscuits throw it in the bottom of a 9×13 pan, throw the peas on top and then slice the layers on spam on top of the peas, and cook for about 25-30 minutes. And voila: no wasted food, and a filling meal!! I would probably wash it down with some beer, though. Only because I’m kinda thinking the shit might be a little old.


Help! I’m obsessed with Johnny Monaco from Enuff Z’Nuff. I saw him play the other night and he’s so hot. I’ll see him again soon when he’s off tour. How do you think I should approach him and proposition him? Do youthink it matters if I’m a guy?

Signed,

Bill from Chicago

Hey Bill,

It can’t hurt to try! I would see if he has a Myspace profile and check to see if he is bi/gay/ straight/ whatever, then go for it!


Hi,

What’s the best way to dump my chick? It’s not that she’s done anything wrong, but we’ve been dating for a few years, I’m kinda bored with her, and I want to bang other girls. How can I let her down easy? I don’t want her to swallow a bottle of sleeping pills or slit her wrist in the bathtub or something. Thanks for your help.

Bored in Boca Raton

Dear Bored,

Yikes, if she is that sensitive, you might want to try some different tactics. See how she reacts when you tell her you want to bang some other chicks. If she totally flips, tell her she’s nuts and then accuse her of cheating. Flip it around a little. She’ll think you’re messed up and want to leave you if you keep it up!

If that doesn’t work, you might want to pick up a disgusting habit that she can’t stand, and just don’t stop doing it. That will really make her hate you!! I think that would get me out the door!

Inga Brittingham
www.nakedbeggars.net


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