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Ask the Stars 14 – Inga Brittingham from Naked Beggars

 

Ask the Stars!

with…


Naked Beggars singer Inga Brittingham!

For our April 2005 edition of "Ask the Stars," we have none other than Naked Beggars singer Inga Brittingham on hand to give advice and to answer your fucked-up questions! Now, Inga’s never done a 20 Questions with Metal Sludge before, but she’s come up with some of the sickest responses for our whacky monthly feature, the Rotten Roundup. Plus she’s married to Cinderella bass player Eric Brittingham! We like the way she thinks, so we figured she’d be awesome to meter out advice to the Sludgeaholics in need. Here she is to help you guys out.


Dear Star,

What’s the best way to remove unwanted body hair? I’m a bit sensitive to chemicals and don’t want to get a rash from pouring Nair all over my crotch. Thanks for any help or advice.

S.T.

Dear S.T.,

Ripping straight out would be the best route. It hurts but it’s better than getting burnt. Have you tried those insects that eat the hair. Gosh, what movie was that from…I wish I could get a hold of those bugs.


After reading Motley Crue’s "The Dirt", I am addicted to reading about rock stars’ sordid and glamorous lives. Have any other metal bands written autobiographies or had biographies written about them that are worth reading? I am currently reading Aerosmith’s "Walk this way".

Metal Sludge is all the reading material you need to keep up on the latest shit!


I really need some advice. So, I’m going to a concert in a few weeks (happens to be Motley Crue) and I really want to get backstage to meet the band. Do you have any tips (short of giving head to the entire road crew)? Thanks.

~Cyn

Dear Cyn,

Worming your way backstage is always hard. But the better liar you are the easier it will be to get there! Learn maybe the head honcho’s name and drop it, maybe get a press pass made. You Can Dewwww it! And if that shit doesn’t work, you can always try sneaking by. They can’t watch everyone who walks by!!


Priest or Maiden?

Thanks,

Metal Hoops

Dear Metal Hoops,

Priest


Dear Star,

I have a real wicked step mother. I mean like fuckin Cinderella style here. Always bitching, complaining and nagging. She thinks I’m this devil child even though the whole community knows how nice of a guy I am. I don’t know how I’m going to handle living with her until I graduate this summer. What do you suggest I do to put up with this bitch until I move out to university?

thanks, Steve-O

Dear Steve-O,

Did you ever think that maybe you are doing something to make her complain? And is she by any chance getting laid. Maybe you could get your dad to give it up a little. Make sure she is taken care of, ya know what I’m saying!


Dear Sludge Star or starette,

I’m in an 80s rock tribute band in England. Instead of wearing a wig, I want to get big hair myself. Now my hair’s getting pretty long, but whenever I try to get it to go big, it just falls over again. How do I get that huge hair spikey Nikki Sixx look? I’m only 20 so I wasn’t around when it was socially acceptable (if it ever was) to ask this shit!

Thanks,

Jonny

Dear Jonny,

Who is your hairdresser? Have you asked a hairdresser. You can’t just have long hair. You have to have some sort of cut. My friend Lora Seligmann, hairstylist extraordinaire! She can give you some advice! Look for her on Myspace, she’ll love to help ya! He he he!!!


Dear star,

over the past few months, I have fell in love with one of my female friends, she knows how I feel but says she is involved with someone else, which is true but her closest friends tell me her boyfriend is a "fag"! She says she can’t rule out the possibility of us ever being more than friends, but I don’t know what to do now, I feel so strongly about her and would do anything to make her mine. Can you please give me some advice on what to do…. I am only 15 by the way.

Holy cow, by the way, there is going to be a lot more things for you to worry about then being with some chick at 15. Girls are way too fickle at that age as well as guys. You will change your mind as soon as you bump into some finer chick. Don’t forget she is dating a "fag". And if she goes after you, what do you think that that may mean? Some chicks dig fags, that is why they are called "fag hags".

Here is a question: What is her dad like? Whatever her dad is like is exactly what you need to be, that what the chick wants. It’s all psychological bullshit.


Dear Star,

My boss yelled at me the other day. He does it a lot for seemingly no reason and it’s getting kind of old. I was thinking about killing him, but don’t want to spend the rest of my life in jail if I get caught. How can I get him back good?

Thanks,

Tommy

Dear Tommy,

First of all, your right don’t kill. Second of all, you should start your own business and just steal all of his ideas and clients. I bet he’ll love that!


Dear Random Metal Sludge Celebrity,

My boyfriend is so mean! Everything was going great and then he forgot to give me anything for my birthday. When I asked him about it, he said that most normal people should stop expecting everyone to make a big deal about their birthday around the age of 12. What should I do? Everything else is fine, and he’s good to me, but that was just plain mean. Should I dump him, or is he right? Should I just figure my birthday really isn’t that big of a deal anymore?

Laura, Milwaukee, WI

Dear Laura,

It’s really not the most important thing on earth that he gives you something for your birthday. If you ask me, that actually is a little selfish. Here’s the real question: Does he love you? Does he normally do cool things for you? If so, then shut up and deal. If he isn’t, yeah, dump him.


dear metal sludge ask the stars,

A long time ago I dropped acid and had a blast. Then I tried it again a few weeks ago and it didn’t do much for me. Very boring. Did I just get some bunk tabs, or do I already have a tolerance and need to take more next time?

Thanks,

Steve S.
in Lincoln, NE

Dear Steve S.,

I’ve always learned that not all things are created equal. And neither was your acid. I myself stick to all natural items.


Dear star,

I need to make dinner and here’s all I have: a bag of frozen peas, a box of bisquick, a can of spam, and a tub of margarine. What can I make with that? Or should I just order a pizza?

J.L.T.

Dear J.L.T.,

By the time you read this, I would hope that you would have some other options. But, I would butter a pan, mix the bisquick to make biscuits throw it in the bottom of a 9×13 pan, throw the peas on top and then slice the layers on spam on top of the peas, and cook for about 25-30 minutes. And voila: no wasted food, and a filling meal!! I would probably wash it down with some beer, though. Only because I’m kinda thinking the shit might be a little old.


Help! I’m obsessed with Johnny Monaco from Enuff Z’Nuff. I saw him play the other night and he’s so hot. I’ll see him again soon when he’s off tour. How do you think I should approach him and proposition him? Do youthink it matters if I’m a guy?

Signed,

Bill from Chicago

Hey Bill,

It can’t hurt to try! I would see if he has a Myspace profile and check to see if he is bi/gay/ straight/ whatever, then go for it!


Hi,

What’s the best way to dump my chick? It’s not that she’s done anything wrong, but we’ve been dating for a few years, I’m kinda bored with her, and I want to bang other girls. How can I let her down easy? I don’t want her to swallow a bottle of sleeping pills or slit her wrist in the bathtub or something. Thanks for your help.

Bored in Boca Raton

Dear Bored,

Yikes, if she is that sensitive, you might want to try some different tactics. See how she reacts when you tell her you want to bang some other chicks. If she totally flips, tell her she’s nuts and then accuse her of cheating. Flip it around a little. She’ll think you’re messed up and want to leave you if you keep it up!

If that doesn’t work, you might want to pick up a disgusting habit that she can’t stand, and just don’t stop doing it. That will really make her hate you!! I think that would get me out the door!

Inga Brittingham
www.nakedbeggars.net


Got problems? We all do, but do you want a random Metal Sludge-sanctioned celebrity to help you sort out your worries, concerns, and fucked-up feelings? Then send your questions to [email protected] and we’ll see if we can’t find someone to make you feel all better.

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