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Ask the Stars 9 – Jasmin St. Claire and the Blue Meanie



Jasmin St. Claire & the Blue Meanie!

Dear Star,

The other day, I was looking for our vacation pics on my husband’s laptop (with his permission of course). And while I was searching, I found some porn in his "My Pictures" folder. I would have just let it slide if it were just normal, Playboy-style pictures of naked girls, but some of the pictures really shocked me, they were things that I never knew my husband would be into. Group sex, guys pissing on women, nasty stuff like that. I don’t know what to do about it. All of a sudden, I feel like he’s not the same person I married. I wonder if he’s really into those things? I can’t stop thinking about it. And now I feel inadequate because there’s no way in hell I’m doing any gang bangs or letting his sweaty friends do bathroom stuff on me. I can’t let it stay inside me, I’m about to boil over because I’m so upset, but deeply hurt too. I don’t know what to do.

Please help.

Crushed in Columbus

Dear Crushed,

you have to deal with the fact that EVERY guy has crap like that in his pc. If it really bugs you, then get your own little collection going & tell your husband to fag off!



Dear Crushed,

There REALLY isn’t anything you should feel crushed about. After all, you have married a full-blooded heterosexual male. Guys like looking at perverted stuff on the web. For example, there are a lot of things I look at on the web and just because I LOOK at it doesn’t mean I am into hooking up jumper cables to my nipples… anymore. The only time you should worry is if he suggests something to you that you aren’t comfortable with or he gives off the clues of cheating on you. If he is still with you at the end of the day and is still giving you the goods then have a ball… or 2! You have nothing to worry about.

Hey, I hope you can help me.

A few weeks ago I ate some shrooms at the KISS show, not much, just a few caps & stems. So, after I peaked, I noticed the left side of my mouth tingling & it hasn’t stopped since, almost like pins & needles.

Well my chick said I should go see the doctor, but that’s my question, if the doctor knows you’ve done illegal drugs, doesn’t he have to inform the police? If I have to put up with fucking pins & needles, I’d rather do that than getting arrested or going to jail or having to pay a shitload of court costs & legal shit.


Shroomin’ Bob

Hey Shroomin Bob,

I would be doing life imprisonment if the doctor ever told the police how much acid I have done in my life.

Besides, why should the cops care if you do this shit recreationally.

The only reason you should get arrested & thrown in jail is if you do too much cocaine & can’t get your dick up to do the nasty with your chick



Dear ****

I’m a single female living with my father in Oklahoma and I have some problems that I can’t discuss with anyone in my life. My mother passed away when I was young so I missed out on some essential female knowledge as I grew older. My problem is my vagina. This is even embarrassing to type much less talk to someone about and I can’t discuss it with my father even though he seems always eager to help. I’m afraid my vagina is shaped different and I feel like a freak. I was with a boy for the first time just last week and after several minutes of kissing and feeling around he slid down my body and was starting to lick my vagina. After almost a minute he stopped and said "what the fuck?" I was already nervous but since I knew we would be together I made sure to clean myself extra good that night, so I was confused by his remark. He jumped up and turned on the light and kept staring at my vagina like I was a side show. I tried to close my legs and cover up but he got down and started laughing at me saying "you have the biggest lips I’ve ever seen, that’s so disgusting." Then he kept saying I had a "clit dick". Needless to say this hurt me and I ran out of his house and cried all the way home.

I’m not a prude; I have masturbated in the past. I never noticed anything different about me really, at least not in physical appearance as I’m considered a pretty girl around school and such. But today, when I went to the store, a couple of guys started laughing at me calling me "beef curtain girl". I’m so embarrassed and ashamed. So my question to you is if there is some kind of surgery or something I can do to make my vagina look normal. You’re the only person I can turn to about this, so please help me in anyway you can.


Beef Curtains in Okie

Dear Beef Curtains,

I think that washed up whore Houston had a surgery like that. Only difference is that she got that way from fucking anything that walks.

But, some guys like beef curtain vaginas. So, if you like it & can deal with it, don’t go thru the pain.

Tell that guy that upset you that I hope his dick falls off — assuming he has one.



Dear Beefy,

You REALLY wanna shut him up? Hit him with this line. ‘*PFFFT* any thing would look huge next to your thimble dick!!’ That should shut him up pretty quick. Or a plan B would be to say, ‘Yea BITCH! I got the curtains, now GIMMIE THE ROD!!’ So depending how passive or aggressive you want to be, you now have 2 choices.

Dear "Ask the Stars", If Rick Allen and Steven Adler were to compete in a jump roping match, who do you think would win?

Rick Allen

To who it may concern. I’m writing to you anonymously because I’m afraid to reveal who I am because this is a rather embarrassing situation and I don’t know who else to ask. It seems that I have a bit of a food fetish. Not to eat food.. But like when I see my wife in the kitchen making baked beans or opening a mayonaise jar.. I just want to run in and stick my cock in it! Not my wife, the food. Certain things don’t really turn me on, like celery.. or bacon or popcorn. But if I see a freshly opened jar of applesauce, I just can’t help but get turned on. One time my wife and I were preparing for a dinnerparty to have later that night with my wifes boss and his wife, anyway when my wife went upstairs to change, I stuck my dick in the cool whip that was on the counter. It turned me on so much that I immediatley had to go upstairs and relieve myself. I guess what I want to ask is, am I a freak? And should I tell my wife about this food fetish that I have?

Scott in Santa Fe

Hi Scott,

I think it is kind of cute. Tell your wife & if she kicks you out, I can always hook you up with any of my hot freinds.




You’re perfectly normal. This happens all the time. In FACT, I’m screwing a Krispy Kreme donut as I type this… NO YOU WACKO! You need help!!! Go to a shrink! Check into a facility! AND stay the HELL outta the grocery store!!!


The Hamburger Helper Glove

My chick keeps making fun of my bald spot, and it’s really not that big yet. She thinks I should get plugs or something, but that shit’s expensive, and I don’t have the cash. I figured I can just cover it up with a hat when I go out, and if people start to really notice it, I’ll step up to the plate, shave it all off, and go for the chrome look. But my old lady keeps teasing me about it and it’s getting on my nerves! I get so mad, I just want to punch her in the fucking throat over and over til her windpipe collapses and she can’t breathe anymore. What can I do to shut that bitch up?




You have her address? I’ll go over there & personally beat the shit out of her

Extremely yours,



Dear Soon-2-B,

If you’re not uncomfortable with the bald patch then stay the way you are. Tell your girl that it bothers you the way she’s hazing you over it. If she doesn’t stop then either break balls back or show her the door because it won’t get any better. If the patch bothers you then go all the way and just shave it clean off. Who knows, a change may be good for you. Either way do what you feel is right without keeping the pimp hand strong. Smacking a woman isn’t cool. Your bald patch would be the last of your worries if you were getting the rest pulled out while Tyrone is using you as his prison bitch. Then tend to do that to women beaters in Oz.

Hey to whoever answers this, well anyway here’s the deal, i have been seeing this guy for awhile now and we always have a great time, anyhow his 20th birthday is coming up and i asked him what he wanted for a present, and he said that he wanted to share me with his friend Joey that has a birthday the same week as his, i asked what does that mean share me with him and he said it was sex, and i said what, you want me to fuck your friend, and he said well yeah, me and Joey, and so i thought that was weird. I asked him if he wanted to watch us or something and he said no, we’ll both fuck you and i said, what at the same time? well yeah he said, a 3 way, and i thought he was joking but he was serious. i asked him if he had something going on with joey but he said no fucking way, we just always talked about sharing a chick and it would be cool for both of us and i might like it too, well i was kind of creeped out about it and said i’d let him know. I really like this guy and want it to be serious and everything seemed like it was going that way for the last 8 months but now this and i don’t know what to do. what do i have to do in a 3 way, do they take turns or do i have to blow one of them or do they want to double stuff me? i’ve never even done anal so i’m really freaked, well i’m thinking about doing it because its what he wants for his birthday and for mine he got me 100 roses and took me to six flags but i’m really afraid especially about letting anyone in my ass, what should i do to prepare or is this just too much and should i forget about the whole thing. help, sarah b.

Hi sarah,

use plenty of olive oil & relax

have fun!



Dear Sarah B.

Your answer is simple. If you don’t wanna get the rotisserie action done to you then don’t do it. Especially when it could lead to a lot of arguments down the line. If his buddy winds up liking how you feel and wants to double dip behind you boyfriends back then the shit could turn into a 3 way lovers quarrel. I have heard a lot of stories like this and you may want to prevent this headache from becoming a full blown… pain in the ass. *Giggle*

Why do men have nipples?


Are fucking kidding me? To pierce them!



Dear Vince,

Men have nipples so they can feed the babies they have out of their Mangina’s. Plus how else would Bradshaw know where his bitch tits end?

Hi! I need some advice.

My neighbor is pissing me off. He thinks he’s my buddy, and while I’m cordial to him, I’m really not his pal and don’t want to hang out with him. I’ll say "good morning" when I bring in the paper or wave when I’m pulling out of the driveway, but for some reason lately he’s been being too friendly, and I like to maintain some distance. We’re the same age I guess, but he lives in his mother’s house, doesn’t work, and she’s never home as she travels a lot for her job. Whereas I’m a homeowner and have a nice salaried position with a national ad firm and do pretty well for myself, considering.

But lately, everytime I get home from work, he comes over and wants to hang out. He actually sits on his porch around 5:45 and waits for me to get home. I made the mistake of smoking a joint with him a few months back and so he thinks I’m some big partier, but really I keep to myself and with my own circle of friends. I’m not trying to be a snob but when I get home from work, I want to chill or watch a movie or do the bills or whatever. Not have to entertain some loser in life that lives in his mom’s basement.

I’ve dropped hints, said I’ve got stuff to do, even changed the pattern of when I come home so he doesn’t expect me at the same time every day. I feel like I can’t even enjoy my own home and look for excuses to go other places after work, but that’s getting really old fast. I don’t want to be rude, but I don’t want him to keep coming over expecting to hang out. I’m trying to be a good friendly neighbor but really, want him to keep his distance.

Do you have any suggestions how to handle this?

Thanks for any advice that you have to offer…



I would just be straight up & tell him what the deal is.

Sometimes, you have to be candid with people, or they just keep fucking bugging you till your hair & dick falls off.



Dear Kyle,

You have done all you can do to drop hints and the guy doesn’t have a clue. So he really leaves you no choice. It may be hard to do at first thought but it may prove to be effective. The next time he comes over, the next time he buddies up to you, the next time he ASSUMES that the two of you are friends. You have to stand firmly in front of him. You have to look him in the eye and SHIT YOUR PANTS! Seriously. And don’t even acknowledge that you shit your pants either. Don’t bat a lash. Now do you think this guy wants to hang with someone who shits himself frequently? I think not!

Dear Star,

This is kind of embarassing to bring up within my circle of friends, so I thought I would try here for some creative insight on how to deal with this.

First some background: I am a single mother, 34 years old with a 14 year old son, and I’ve been pretty much raising him myself since he was an infant. I’ve been able to jump nearly every hurdle that’s been in my path as my son has grown. Since I’ve had to act as both mom and dad, I’ve pretty much got a system down at this point in life. My son and have a very healthy, symbiotic relationship. We’re pals, but I can dish out the discipline when I have to.

My son hit puberty last spring. He’ll be 15 soon and I’m very proud to watch him grow from a little boy to a young man, literally overnight. I was prepared for his sexual curiosity to evolve, as we had the "birds and bees" discussion quite some time ago. I know that masturbation is something that’s pretty much to be expected, and is a normal, natural part of young adulthood.

I don’t have a problem with him "jerking off" here and there. I know he’s doing it and it doesn’t bother me one bit. My problem is this. Whenever my son decides to pleasure himself, he doesn’t bother to clean up afterwards. I mean, he wipes himself off when he’s done, but that’s about it. He’s left hand towels lying out in plain view after he’s used them to wipe up semen. He’s left soggy tissues sitting next to the sink. Stained bedsheets that he doesn’t bother to change, t-shirts with some kind of crust on his bedroom floor, so on and so forth. One time, I think he ejaculated onto the bathroom mirror and didn’t even clean it up! (I may be a single mom, but I damn well know what cum smells like.)

The straw that broke the camel’s back was when I grabbed my Talbot’s catalog from the coffee table the other day, only to find that several pages in the swimsuit section were all damp and stuck together. You think he’d at least have the decency to throw it out!

So I hope you can see my plight. I don’t really have any male friends close enough to my son that could talk to him. I considered having my father speak to him, but that would just be creepy for both my dad and his grandson. I know that it’s a very sensitive topic and I want to handle it the right way. My insurance doesn’t cover therapy for dependants, so I don’t want our little chat to be something that screws up my kid’s head for life. :)

What do you think I should do? Should I just confront him blankly and tell him to be more discreet with his after-school activities? Or should I leave little notes or some kind of hints around, indications for him to be more mindful of the "other person" that lives in the same house with him. Any suggestions will be appreciated.



Dear M,

I wanted to ask you if you are a MILF since I have this major fascination with MILFS.

If you don’t have the guts to tell him to clean up after himself, then just deal with it.


Dear M,

Looks like you’re in an uncomfortable position. Even more so it looks that your son is showing you a huge amount of disrespect. Since he and his habit of leaving his DNA rags all over and his target practice make you feel uncomfortable. The best thing to do is probably a 2-step solution. First off ask him directly in private to stop. Be respectful and tell him that it makes you uncomfortable and you feel you’re being disrespected.

Now if this DOESN’T work then he leaves you no option other than embarrass the shit out of him. Fuck it. You tried to be civil but it didn’t work right? So the next time he has friends over and or if your dad is over confront your son in front of them. ‘Hey Timmy, if I asked you once I have asked you a THOUSAND times NOT to leave your spooge rags all over the place?!?! JESUS CHRIST! Save some for the wedding!!’

Now that his friends and your dad know the he knows that you know that he jerks off like a monkey, he’ll think next time you ask him to do something like that. He might be mad at you but all you have to do is throw up your hands and say ‘Hey! I asked ya and nicely and you didn’t stop’ Also, make the jerking off motion with your hand for added effect.

Fuck, I forgot to pay my 2003 taxes! I didn’t file an extension or anything! Should I call the IRS, should I go to an accountant first? Or should I take my chances and hope I slip through the cracks? I don’t know anything about tax law. Is the government going to come after me and take my house?



Hi F.P.,

Get your ass to an accountant & create as many write offs as possible.

Good luck


To Metal Sludge

C/O someone famous

Hi, my name is Charles and I’m an avid music listener as well as an actor in my college theatre guild. I was watching VH-1 today and saw a special about porn and rock. Since I am blessed with a nice thick appendage I wondered if there are any porn musicals out there. I’m simply asking Metal Sludge because the Porn and Rock special I watched said a lot of rock stars are into porn or have worked in porn. I believe because of my appendage and my past performances (Hamlet, Fiddler, & Annie) that I would be a credit to any production company out there. So if you can point me the way, I’d certainly send you free tickets to opening night of my first show.



I think they are casting for Schindler’s Fist

Gd luck


I think there has been a missed boat in the way of porn musicals. The titles alone would sell themselves!! Just imagine you… and your *EHEM* appendage in such porn musicals as ‘The (Re)Producers’ ‘La Miss Labia’s’, ‘Bent’ and ‘Diddler on the Roof’. For homoerotic you could have ‘West Hollywood Story’ and ‘Oklahomo’. And for the fetish minded person you could have ‘Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Bondage Mask’ and MY all time favorite… ‘sCATS!!’ The possibilities are ENDLESS!!

Sludge, not sure if you’re still running Ask The Stars but thought it was worth a shot.

Dear Metal Sludge Celebrity,

Earlier this summer I got into a car accident and broke both my legs. They have finally taken off the casts and it looks like everything healed OK, but over the summer I gained so much weight because I was off my feet the whole time! My hips, thighs, and belly are out of control. I need to lose 18 pounds to get back to the figure I had before the accident, and I’m a bridesmaid in a late October wedding, so I want to do it quick. Any suggestions for a diet/exercise routine that will allow me to achieve my goal by late next month?

Pudgy in PA

Dear Pudgy,

just do tuns of cardio & if that does not work, then I guess maybe buying some prescription diet pills via the internet would be the next step



Dear ‘Pudgy’,

If you wanna speed up your weight loss then up your protein intake with you meals. Stuff like chicken, steak, egg whites, tuna or salmon. For sides you could have stuff like brown rice or a yam and some greens. Greens are a must. Finish off you meal with a salad. Some people eat salads before their meal but after is actually better. It helps the digestive system.

And don’t be afraid to eat either. Some people think not eating will help but it’s quite the opposite. Food is fuel for your metabolism. Space your meals about 2-3 hours apart and you metabolism will pick up which will speed up the fat burning process. Also, the best thing is breakfast, lunch and dinner with small snacks in between like cashews, almonds or a protein shake. Do all that and cut your meals off at 7pm.

Cardio and drink a lot of water is a great start. Warm or room temperature water is better for your digestive system as well. If you go to the gym already do a regime with light weight and high reps. Do comfortable weight for 4 sets of 25. After weights do 30-46 minutes of cardio at a comfortable rate. I hope this helps you and enjoy the wedding!!

I’m a straight male, but I’ve been having sexual dreams about Bobby Blotzer. They are all very detailed, and after one of them I even woke up kinda wet and sticky. Should I stop listening to Ratt?

Please help!


Hi Matt,

I have wet dreams about having crazy sex with Gwen Stefani, so you should be ok. You are very normal. BTW, were you the pitcher, or receiver?



Dear Mattley,

The last of your worries should be what you’re listening too!! I mean don’t get me wrong; I have had similar experiences with my Bea Arthur fetish but YOU my friend (and I use that term loosely) have gone above and beyond what any "normal" heterosexual male should be ‘soiling’ their underoos over!!! Now go get a fuckin’ towel and play some KITTIE for chrissakes!!

Dear High & Mighty Star,

I am by far the best songwriter on the scene right now and I can’t seem to get any kind of recognition from scum bag A&R people and these "I wish I was a rock star" agents. I have the look, I have the fucking songs, and I have a presence you only wish you could achieve.

It’s not like I live in Idaho or some shit state, I am from HOLLYFUCKINGWOOD California. I’m surrounded by people who wish they were me; A REAL FUCKING ROCKSTAR. So explain to me why these cocksuckers won’t give me the time of day when it comes to a recording contract or getting gigs. I need an answer besides; "they’re jealous". I already fucking know that. Of course they are, look at me. I am the package. So since you know everything, take this package and deliver it.

It was your pleasure,

Frankie Rockerson


egos don’t get anyone anyhwhere!

I think you need to quit thinking everyone wants to be like you & go suck your own cock.


Dear Frankie,

First off, maybe a change of name would do. Frankie Rockerson doesn’t sound like a Rock and Roll name. It sounds more like a Flintstones character. Assuming from what I’ve read in your letter, the problem might be in your approach. I mean if you have the ‘look’ and you have the ‘fucking songs’ and you have the ‘presence’ and you’re a ‘real fucking rock star’ then wouldn’t you have the job already?

Confidence is a good thing but overconfidence is an annoyance. Maybe if you approached them ‘looking for an opportunity’ rather than expecting them to drop to their knees to suck the pink off your dick. You MAY get some notice.


When my boyfriend gives it to me from behind I queef uncontrollably. I’ve tried to make it stop but it doesn’t work! How can I fix it?


Sue Queefs a Lot


ever think of doing vagina exercises?



Dear Queefy Hollow,





Got problems? We all do, but do you want a random Metal Sludge-sanctioned celebrity to help you sort out your worries, concerns, and fucked-up feelings? Then send your questions to AskTheStars@metalsludge.tv and we’ll see if we can’t find someone to make you feel all better.

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