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Ask the Stars 8 – Ginger from the Wildhearts



The Wildhearts’ Ginger

What do you when you’re sitting around at home or whatever and you get into these moods that you don’t necessarily want to be in but have to go through to get to the better ones? Like from being bored to being excited, sad to happy, etc? Should I just drink my way out of the fact that life isn’t always good so I can forever cling to it and never go through all that humanistic bullshit or suck on my thumb until the receptors in my brain change their format?

Confused in New York

Getting through ‘things’ is part of what human growth is all about. Not all of this is fun, but it IS all essential if you don’t want to end up an idiot! To have feelings we must feel, and ‘feeling’ can sometimes feel a little ‘too real’, y’know? These times don’t stay forever, they just seem to. Everyone has them, some ignore them (idiots) and some see them through (survivors).
I know it doesn’t feel like anything is going on in your life when these mood swings take hold, but merely living through them helps us to understand patience, as well as our own capabilities.
Drink isn’t the answer to anything, well…apart from getting drunk. In fact drink is the MAN, the GUNV’NOR and the DOG’S SWINGERS when you want to get yourself good ‘n drunk! And if drinking now and then eases the pressure then go ahead and pour yourself a stiff one. Better still, go out and have some drinks with some friends. You’d be amazed how much a friendly night of bollocks can help! If you find you are drinking alone you need to slow down, and if you’re drinking alone more than three times a week you need to stop for a while, just to make sure that it ain’t got a hold of you. Because then, my friend, you ARE fucked!
Drink, be merry and every now and again bask in the selfish glow of being a moody, miserable and mean motherfucker. Hey, try writing some poetry, lyrics or keep a diary. NOTHING provides more inspiration for writing than a "hate the world day".
And just keep repeating "everyone goes through this, not everyone makes it, I’m going to make it"
My favorite quote on this subject comes from one of the greatest Brits to draw breath, Sir Winston Churchill, "If you’re going through hell, keep going"
I recommend you read "The Man Who Mistook His Wife For A Hat" by Dr. Oliver Sacks, listen to "Tomorrow The Green Grass" by The Jayhawks and watch "It’s A Wonderful Life" again on video!

I am a 17 year old guy from England, but don’t let that dissuade you. Basically, I am completely besotted with a friend of mine – she’s simply the most wonderful girl I know. When we first met around three years back, we actually took an instant dislike to each other, but time has passed, and we have become near enough best friends. She is everything a guy could want – attractive, funny, intelligent, independent, kind, loyal – the perfect girl.

Problem is, roughly five months back from writing this e-mail, I asked her out. She turned me down (in the nicest possible way), citing the fact that we were too good as friends to risk a relationship. Since then, though, we have become even closer, and I find now that she is my closest confidante and friend in all aspects of my life. I have tried to suppress my feelings since five months back, but I have been kidding myself. People have observed that we have been getting much closer, but should I attempt to ask her again? After all, it did no harm last time.

I understand that I’m no oil painting (or, if I was, something nasty by Constable), but I’m not aesthetically displeasing. I consider myself to be intelligent, and I’m always being told what a nice and humorous person I am. I play sports regularly, I’m in two bands (one of which has a bit of a following), hell, I even took up the mandolin to impress girls (that’s a lie; as fun and chirpy as it is, females don’t dig folk music – unless they have no shoes). What more do I have to do to win her, as it were? I would be the most devoted dude she would come across, I’m exorbitantly confident that I would be the best damn boyfriend she would have. I reckon she might even have the inclination to believe that I would make a good boyfriend – problem is, she hasn’t let on whether I would be hers, or someone elses. Please help (also, assistance on my convoluted grammar would be nice too!),

From Cal

Frienship can last forever, can you say that about any relationship you ever heard about?
On the plus side you’re obviously a nice guy, on the minus side you refer to yourself as "no oil painting". Try not to put yourself down, because this is NEVER going to impress her, or anyone else of the opposite genital group.
Now the good news, you’re both really young and are in NO rush here. Remember this, because if you don’t you WILL blow it. Guaranteed.
Step one: get yourself to a gym. Take up boxing too, good for confidence and upper body workout. Don’t make a big deal out of it to your mates or you’ll look like a dick. This will not deem you attractive to her. Repeat these regular, and incredibly boring, visits for 3 Months. No time at all, I hear you scream in joy. And you’d be dead right.

Step two: Don’t be pushy. You know she likes you. Okay, so she may just see you as a friend. Okay, so it may take a few occasions where she dates some asshole guys in the meantime. You’re talking a long term relationship, right? So you’re training for the world title.

Step Three: be her friend. Be there for her whenever she needs someone. Be supportive in whatever she does. Talk to her about HERSELF (something she will find very endearing in you), males seldom understand this one. Make her feel safe, and secure in your company. Let her know you think she’s the prettiest, most interesting girl in the world, but NOT on a regular basis! Tell her this when she feels a little down, or when the mood feels right……NOT when you’re drunk or with friends! Do NOT be a creep.
Be the Fonz here. Cool is the law that you must serve faithfully. BE C-O-O-L.

Step four: DATE OTHER GIRLS. This is a good one. For some reason, girls generally seem more attracted to a guy that can ‘pull’, (and I’m not talking ‘shaking the mayo bottle’ here). Making her a little envious when girls are attracted to your charms will do no damage to the plan. Girls like guys that girls like.

Step five: If she still doesn’t want you in her life as a boyfriend don’t throw yourself off a bridge. You can’t MAKE someone attracted to you. That’s just life, my friend. But you’re gonna look amazing, be great company for a girl and have self discipline as well as respect for females. You are gonna find someone more than worthy of your love. Trust me on this one!
Good luck, slow-the-fuck-down and let me know how it goes cowboy!

I’ve been masturbating for years now and just recently my mother got a dog who won’t stop going through the garbage where i deposit my used tissues. What the fuck is going on??? She runs up the stairs within the first minute of busting out porn. Now I’ve been rejected to the point where I might as well go gay, or just do the dog. BUT…I’d rather not because I still haven’t gone to a red light district. Anyway, I’m dying to know what you have to say about this one. Preferably some good pick up lines and tips that women wish guys knew. Hope to hear from you soon, fellow human being on the face of this earth who happens to be a STAR!!!

Dogs can sometimes smell the waft of an oversexed teen from a hundred miles away, and I am presuming you are a teen going on the onanistic edivence submitted.
What’s wrong with the bathroom, anyway? Ain’t it got a lock on? There’s gotta be a way of craftily sneaking your fave shag-rag into the shitter for a quick one over the thumb, right?
Or better still try the real thing and start dating girls…and for FUCKS sake don’t take the dog!
Good chat up lines? I find the best one yet invented is "Hello, my name is…..(insert name here)" Breaks the ice nicely, and if she’s still looking in your direction after this little opener then she’s interested. And if she’s interested in you, you’d best be interested in her and ask all about her. Don’t go blabbering on about yourself or you’re going be stuck with Hustler and Poochy for while to come.
And if she’s not interested then hey, don’t go fretting. Try again. There ain’t a guy alive that hasn’t been royally turned down. Believe!

To the guest star:
I am a 32 year old female and have been married 6 years. I would like to have a threesome with my husband and another woman (or another man, but I know that will NEVER happen). Anyway, I have brought the idea up to my husband and he thought I was crazy. Any ideas on how I could bring him around to the idea? He’s very consertive and straight laced.
J. Jack

While millions of guys reading this question sit slack jawed that there are men who wouldn’t LEAP at a chance of gettting it on with their missus and her mate, there are expections to every rule.
If he was offended by the suggestion then maybe you were being just a little clumsy or selfish in your approach. He’s got to feel comfortable with this. That takes time, and time is the bit that sucks (ahem). Broach the subject again when he’s a little more ‘in the mood’, and leave it at that. Just a little mention to let him know that YOU haven’t forgot about it! Maybe you already know the girl you want to have the threesome with? In which case slowly introduce her to your social life, and let him get to know her without the threat of ‘performing’ looming ominously. It may even be that performance is the root of his unwillingness, in which case there is Viagra to make him feel like a porn star.
If all this fails then I’m afraid you are stuck with this fantasy remaining just that, a fantasy. Something that you can use to mentally spruce things up a bit from time to time.
Some people just don’t want to share their partner with anyone, and would rather have their love-making remain sacred. This, of course, means that you have a very loyal and loving partner that will never let you down.
Now THAT is a fantasy that most women would like to live out!

I want to have a threesome with my boyfriend and another guy, but he won’t do it. I even offered to have a threesome with him and another girl, if he’ll do it with me and another guy, but no luck. We have been together for 5 years now, and our sex life is great, but this is something that I’ve always wanted to try and I’d love for it to be with him. I don’t think it would affect our relationship, so how do I get him to give in to my fantasy? Please don’t suggest that I just surprise him one day, he would freak out.
Thanks for you time.

I’m afraid you may never get him to ‘give in’ on this one. Men either suck dick or do not suck dick (c. Andrew Dice Clay).
And the ones that ‘do not’ will probably never.
To some men, the mere idea of being in bed with another man can produce instant vomiting and violent convulsions. And letting another guy paw his girl is could well bring about psychotic homocidal tendencies in him that you were both otherwise completely unaware of. There is no biologocal reason why a woman would feel more comfortable in bed with a woman than a man with a man, but be it machismo, fear of bi-sexuality or purely not finding men attractive this is the law. If he finds the idea distasteful then you have it has to remain a fantasy. If it IS really that important to you to have a male/male threesome then you will have to consider that the man you are with may not to be the right partner for your needs.
The choice, as ever, is yours.

Hi, I’ve never really been one to seek out advice but I’m in a real bad spot. There’s this chic I liked and had known for years and got pretty much shot down hard by her last week….the whole "but your my friend" bit. It ate at me pretty bad but through a little starvation and self-torture I got over it. So last night I go to my best friends…who until last night i considered to be my only true friend. Either way after drinking fairly heavy we end up all passing out in the front room but i never go right to sleep….and i happen to hear them fucking on the couch….at this point i’m actually numb not so much pissed. This same mother fucker tried to get in my face about a year ago over me talking to his ex….we had known each other for a long time and were good friends and that is ALL it was…so then they get back together and broke up again 2 months ago and i haven’t called her out of respect for my former friend. I’ve dealt with alot of shit in my life and have been stabbed in the back by more friends, girlfriends, and family than i can fucking count….I’m damn near ready to kill the next fucking person i see and i hope to fucking hell i don’t look in the mirror…..sorry for the rant.


What’re you saying? Your ‘best friend’ got it on with the girl you really like, and you were in the same room? If I’ve got it right, and this is indeed the case, he just did you a big favour ….he just got you OVER the girl, right?
Like you are EVER going to want to touch her again? Didn’t think so?
So that’s her taken care of.
As for him, ditch the fucker. Forever. He’s a prick, he will die with no friends, no love and will suck cocks in Hell for having the loyalty of a scorpion.
You don’t need shitty people in your life. And it will only get better when you rid yourself of these people. And believe me violence, is NOT the answer. As tempting as it seems, you must rise above this or become like him. Drop the asshole from your life, and make sure to treat people as you would like to be treat yourself. With loyalty and respect.
And then you will find humans are MUCH better people than this sad heap of shit that you’re hanging out with at the moment. Believe.

Dear Metal-Related Celebrity,

As the singer/guitarist for a local punk/hardcore outfit, I would like to ask you, on behalf of my band, the best way to instigate violence at a show. We have an upcoming show at a
fraternity dominated meat-market bar, and are hoping to bring the battle to the white-hatted meatheads during their "rush week". I have every confidence that our loud, dissonant sound, and offensive lyrics covering a variety of themes such as beating up moby and ian mackaye, salad tossing, cucumber sodomy, and vehicular homicide involving frat boys will generate a response. However, any old response won’t do. We want a riot, and preferably a large one, dammit! From your years of exposure to rock related mayhem, could you give us some pointers on how to best plan unplanned chaos?


Stu (on behalf of The Shivs)

"Plan unplanned chaos"? Not very punk is it?
Wanna instigate voilence? Why not beat each other up? Or be a man like GG Allin and jump into the audience and start a fight with the biggest guy you can find. That’ll work nicely, and you won’t feel like a puss while you’re recovering in hospital. And make sure someone is getting it all on video, just in case you get killed.
Happy healing!

Recently, one of my friends started dating a guy that is really into her and from what I’ve seen cares for her a lot; however, she’s cheating on him with a guy who I’ve heard talk shit about her and admit that he’s only using her until somebody better comes along (but she thinks he’s totally in love with her). I’ve never been one to get involved with stuff like this, but I kinda fell like I should say something to my friend about what she’s doing to the guy that really likes her and that the other guy (who is one of my best friends) is just using her but on the other hand I’m not sure if I should…. So my question is, should I tell her that I think what she’s doing is wrong and she’s making herself look like a slut or should I just stay out of it and let whatever happens happen?

I wouldn’t go as far as making her look like a slut, each to their own and all that, y’know?
I would, however, talk to your friend and let her know your feelings. Unfortunately you can’t run peoples relationships for them, and getting involved can lead you into some hot water that you DEFINITELY don’t want to be in. Speak with your friend and let your feelings be known, and leave it at that.

hi! i have a problem..
i live in mexico city, and i want live in los angeles, i dont have money, please, what can i do????

Join a band!
Or get yourself a job working with a band.

Dear Star As Far As Metal Sludge Is Concerned,
I have a question that involves the critical issue of getting myself laid, so take your time and give this one some thought. The other night at a party I got wasted on shitty domestic beer, but not quite as wasted as one female friend of the host. Said drunk guest and I naturally gravitated toward each other with me playing it cool and her acting as the aggressor while not macking on the other big-tittied chicks at the party(!!), and we ended up dry-fucking against the apartment complex walls and blindly clawing at each other’s groins like a pair of freakin’ high schoolers. (For me that’s excusable. I’m 19. For her, that’s kinda funky. She’s 27.) It’s already quite a metal story that I got a piece of action from a 27-year-old professional black chick, but I’m still hungry for her ripe, high-calorie chocolate love. I’m a short metal guy with long blonde hair and a foul mouth. Right before I left the party I slipped my number into her jeans pocket. It’s been two days. Do you think she would have booty-called me by now if she had any such intention? Do you think she regrets getting freaky with a kid like me and hopes I fall off the edge of the earth? Or, is she interested and waiting for me to make some kind of advance to let her know that a sexy young metal stud in his sexual prime wants more brown sugar? Hell, maybe I was such a good high-school style dry fucker and groin groper that she’s just waiting until the weekend to give me a call so she doesn’t get carried away and miss work from banging me so much. Shall I wait and hope to see her later, just as drunk, at another party by freak coincidence, or get aggressive and track her down to let her know that I want to be her virile young fuck buddy? Tell me what I’ve got to do to put some cream in her coffee! Thanks. I love your work, I hope.

"High-calorie chocolate love"? "Brown sugar"? "Cream in her coffee"?
My, we are a racists, sexist little shit aren’t we?
You are in such a state of retarded sexual evolution that I suggest you get rid of most of your testoserone in a whorehouse, then after a few years of hardcore you may be ready to try it out on the real thing. And remember, I did say ‘maybe’.


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