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Ask the Stars 5 – Butch Walker



Butch Walker

Dear Sexy Rock Star,
I’m 18 and I’ve been a D cup since I was 14. I like having big boobs, but not so much lately. I can’t wear cute stapless tops or halter tops because strapless bra’s don’t work for shit. Fake boobs are perky and firm so you don’t have to worry about that. I was contemplating on talking to a plastic surgeon about having the stuff taken out of my real boobs and having
implants put in. Do you think I should go for it? When they’re this big, do guys prefer real boobs or fake boobs? I don’t want to make a big mistake.

sexy? you got the wrong guy. you must think i am fred durst or something. sorry for the letdown. sounds like you already have a good problem to have. most girls kill for them. i think natural is better, cuz when i think about what happens to a woman’s body after they age, and their boobs are still looking like plastic, that freaks me out. just be you marcella.

Dear Mystery Dr.,
I’m a 25 year old gay man, and I just recently accepted this. Recently, I met someone online, and we hung out. I had a lot of fun hanging out, but wasn’t expecting anything *else* to happen. Well, it did. Now, this is gonna make you laugh your ass off, but I hadn’t had sex in
6 years (trust me, the story behind that is waaaaayyyyy too long to go into here), and I’ve only had sex with two other people, one was a one nighter, and one was several times over a few years. Friends with benefits, basically. Today is the dreaded "day after," and I’m filled completely with regret. Will this pass? Why do I regret doing it? I mean, I wasn’t all that attracted to him, but then again, I didn’t exactly put up much of a fight. I never really thought I had any issues about having casual sex, and have put a lot of emphasis on "needing" to get laid, since it had been so long. But now, I feel, I dunno, kinda empty I guess. I felt something
similar the whole time I was *with* the guy from years ago. Like I wanted more from him. Should I avoid having casual sex? I guess that’s what I’m really asking here. And, will I regret it every time I have sex?!?!?

Sorry for rambling.

Confused and lonely in Michigan

well confused and lonely in michigan ( i feel like fucking dear abby..), you should always think before you have casual sex. its one of life’s many temptations. if you are cautious, you wont regret it, if you are single. its normal. just quit being so hard on yourself (that sounded kinda weird, didnt it?).

alright i am one of the few true metalhaeads in Midland, TEXAS. I am the real thing there is no image i am rock n roll i live this shit everyday of my fucking life i am sixteen years old spend all my money on musical equipment and play three instruments(guitar, bass, and drums). my problem is that because i am first and foremost a guitarplayer like just about every other idiot around. i have about 45 minutes of material that blows this nu metal bullshit out of the fuckin water. the problem i can’t find some hardcore SDMFr’s around here that can get their shit together and be in a band. so since i play other instruments i joined another band playing bass the problem they are just a bullshit cover band. the only original they play i can’t stand because he ripped off one of my songs changed it two notes and calls it his. Now i am getting bored with all this bullshit and worse i am straying from my roots and guitar playing. Should i tell these guys fuck you i’m a guitar player that doesn’t want to play covers and rip offs of my riffs that you can’t pull off half decently or accept the fact that until i get to a real town where i can find talented people like me i will have to play bass for little pussies that can’t write a song.
signed angry metalhead redneck from the greatest state in the USA.

hey dude. if you are the "real fucking deal", then get the hell out of that town, and move to new york or l.a. and get with people that follow your dream. you sound just like me when i was your age, and i did the same thing….. and even though i havent had the sales of metallica or anything, at least i am doing well enough to be asked to do this column, so get the fuck out of there and go make something of yourself… good luck, my friend.

My name is Christy, I’m 33 and fairly good looking. I realize this has been asked many a time but I haven’t gotten the answer I’m looking for I guess. How does a girl get backstage without having to get on her knees for some toothless security guard? I’ve been approached with backstage passes but I don’t want to pay the price blowing some skanky guy! Do you have any practical advice for me?

just be classy. being good looking is a plus for the security dudes, i guess, but its all about acting like you know what you are doing. if you walk up and say, "im with the band", that will never work. its a tired line. if you walk up and say, "which way to catering?" and you have a foil wrapped (anything) and a laminate of some sort, you will go right back. and then, you have to get creative with the foil later…

A former ex boyfriend of mine has called me after a year not hearing from him. This is the same idiot that dumped me for a bi sexual girl on new years day 2001. I was hurt by it and i wanted him dead. Now a year later he has called to apologize for what he did too me. He told me he wants me back and well try anything to get me back. The problem is i really dont want him back. Ok now to the point should i or should i not take this idiot back???

you said you dont really want him back. lets do the math…. 1 asshole…… 5 million other guys in the country…. hmm??? ditch the asshole…

Dear Star,
I’ve had a good friend for awhile now, and he recently found a new girlfriend. At first I was happy for him, but not anymore. He acts like a completely different person around this girl. They talk to each other in obnoxious baby voices and they’re all over each other in public, all the time. At first I figured he’d get over it with time…but no such luck. Then I thought I’d just stop hanging out with them as a couple, but that’s impossible, because they’re always together. I don’t have the option of just being around him anymore. I do like this girl when she’s by herself, but around him she acts like a complete idiot. I feel pretty neglected.
What should I do? I just want my friend back.

well you sure are selfish. that cant be your attitude. i mean, thats like somebody telling you they dont like you with blue eyes, and they are your natural color. you have to let love rule. maybe you should ask her if she has a hot friend, that doesnt talk in baby voices, but likes 69 camaros…

Ok, no boring, stupid, hippy love crap here. This is purely about sex.

I was seeing a guy, Jeff. He introduced me to a friend of his, Simon. Jeff went out of town and Simon and I spent a lot of time together. We ended up sleeping together. Jeff found out. I am now being pulled back and forth between them.

Then another friend of mine, Jeremy, decided to tell me that all the flirting he and I had done over the years was real. He meant everything he said. So, I slept with him since my relationships with Jeff and Simon are on the rocks.

My question here is this. I can go for months, hell years, at a time with NO relationship or sex or anything. And then when I finally find someone, Jeff, all these other guys start showing their interest.

Is this a man thing? Ignore a woman until she has a boyfriend? Do all mean feel this urge to conquer another man’s woman? (Yes, I realize that I am to blame for sleeping with these guys instead of being faithful to Jeff. But, like I said, this is purely sex for me. It has nothing to do with love.)

Signed: Confused in Space City

yes it is a man thing… so dont fuck with it.

Dear Ask the Stars -

I’m 17 yrs old, living in a crappy town in a crappy state (West Virginia – hyuck) and I’m desperately in need of advice. I love playing my guitar – one of the only things I live for. I don’t bother with relationships – I don’t take an interest in toothless welfare recipients like the huckleberries around here do. It’s hard to get a job in this shithole since you have to be 18 to do anything. I’m beginning to wonder if I’ll ever find anything worth doing the rest of my life in this shitty place. It’s hard to find a decent metal band around here (No, I’m not talking about that pussy hair-metal, be-bop bullshit) and that’s one of the only things I’ve ever wanted to accomplish in life. Nobody around here is into the same type of music I am. They’re into listening to a bunch of masked homosexuals in groups of nine… what are they called? Shitspot? Or they’re into country. If you had a choice, what would you pick?

But anyways, I’m having doubts as to whether I’ll ever make it big playing guitar. Should I just quit? Help me!


you cant quit. i mean, there is always oslo, norway. you can go get vlad the impaler out of jail and rule the earth, playing with nomads that enjoy some good ol’ fashioned church burnin’ metal…. or stay in west virginia. what im saying is… quit success wont come to you. you gotta go to it. hey, wouldnt it be funny if slipknot was actually a band made up of washed up, hair metal guys from the 80’s? what if they come back stage after every show, and brett michaels (#2) takes off his wig….er…mask, and says to chip z’nuff (a.k.a. #9… he loves the beatles..), "dude! that show was rad! did you see all of those kids out there going nuts when i told them that their lives were nothing but shit?!?!? i love this job!!!!"

Dear, whoever is working it, this week:

I’ve got a problem [of course.. why else would I be writing?].
I’m a 35 yr. old, single woman. I’m in good shape. I work out at the gym 4-6 days a week, pay special attention to taking care of my skin and hair, as well, and folks tell me I look to be in my early to mid-20’s.
I’m outspoken and goodhearted, but I’ll admit, I can be very stubborn when it comes to something I’m passionate about.
I’m also fairly intelligent and know how to keep up lively conversation.
To top it off, guys tell me all the time I’m attractive [just had a guy tell me last night, as a matter of fact, that there’s no way I havent had some sort of surgery, considering how young I look and that I have ‘perfect lips and eyes.’].
So, with all this, it seems like I dont have any problems, right?
I’m sick of guys telling me how ‘bright, funny, talented, attractive and loving’ I am [another direct quote], when they apparently DONT MEAN IT!!!
I couldnt get a man with a fifth of whiskey and a brick!!!
They tell me all these things, but it’s always followed up with that inevitable ‘but…’
I dont understand it. What do men want?!
I dont think it’s a sex thing. I mean, I enjoy sex. I’m FAR from frigid. I’m a good kisser and an attentive lover.
When it comes to relationships, I’m devoted and caring. I go out of my way to let any guy I’m involved with know he can depend on me.
In 35 years, I’ve been in the grand total of 3 actual relationships!!
Sure… I could have something with some abusive, beer-swilling, NASCAR watchin’ redneck, but I’ve been through that already. No more!
Oh, and just for the record, I’m no snob, either. If somebody’s into beer and NASCAR, more power to them. It’s just not MY thing.
I’ve come to the conclusion that if I’m gonna be happy, I need a man that can understand my passion for metal…. can carry on an intelligent conversation… can appreciate a loving, hard working woman… and who ISNT suffering from some sort of mental problem that makes him emotionally distant and unavailable!!
I’ve got alot to give, but no takers!! Do good metal lovin’ men exist, and if so… WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME?!?!
[And hurry up with a solution. I’m 35.. I’m at my sexual peak. My head is about to explode.]Sincerely,
Still Waiting…

sounds like you should try women……

I have a problem but for you to better understand I want to give you some info. Im in my late 20s and recently divorced. I have 2 sons, 1 is 5 and the other is 7. I married my high school sweetheart straight out of high school. He was the only man I was with up until 3 months after the divorce. I had a 1 night stand with a friend and those are the only 2 men Ive been with. I find myself now wanting to explore other sexual experiences.

I find that recently I have been extremely attracted to women. Looking back I guess Ive always been attracted to women because I couldnt have an orgasm from my husband performing oral sex on me unless I fantasized that he was a woman going off on me. I never told my husband or anyone else. Lately my urges have been getting really bad. When I masturbate I can only orgasm if I pretend its a women stimulating me. I go to the bar with my friends and while my friends are checking out the guys Im checking out the girls! I know I still like men but the urge to be with a woman is getting overwhelming. I watch pornos and find that I hate butch chics. I like pretty, feminine woman with big tits and a shaved pussy.

Should I persue this? I know Im scared. Im scared of being rejected by a stranger and making a fool out of myself, showing my inexperience, or Im afraid Ill like too much. I dont know any other bi woman. Should I go hunting or should I just be by myself in my fantasies? Is my fear justified?

Tammy – Scared in Salt Lake

well, first off, you live in salt lake, where not only is it cool to have a girlfriend, but you can have as many as you want! i would say open the door and let the love in! dont worry about searching. if you put off the scent, they will come (that sounds nasty, i know, but i am no king of wordplay).

Dear Star,
My problem is this, how do I get backstage to get to know my favorite rockstars. I’ve tried getting their attention at the shows (You know, flashing my tits and all that.) but it doesn’t seem to work. They just don’t seem to go for me type (African-American, large breast 36DDD, medium frame, short hair, etc). I’m not a dog or so I’ve been told. And I’ve never had a problem turning head of any man, black, white, or otherwise. What is the deal? Is a Black girl that wants to fuck them such a rare thing? What does a sista-girl have to do?

its not as common in the rock world, to see african american women want to hang with a white rock guy. its probably the whole dick thing. i mean, its just a rumor… really…. i mean… it is, right?…
any guy that judges a girl by the color of her skin, is stupid. i think its awesome that you go to rock shows, since most white girls these days dont even bother.

Dear Metal Sludge Mystery Guest,

Here’s my deal — I’ve been dating my girlfriend for close to six years – we met in Senior year in high school, carried it out through college, and in our second year outside of college. We have the most amazing sex ever, but that’s besides the point. Anyway, the problem is
marriage. I want to make this girl an honest woman, so to say, but her parents say "no", based on religious differences. Well, we both knew this would be an issue eventually, but we figured after six years of dating and being a great boyfriend and friend to the family, the parents would sweep this one under the rug and allow it. Of course, I’m fucked. I love this
girl so much and don’t want to give her up, but I want to eventually have a family, and so does she. In the six years of dating, this is the only issue that has ever caused a rift between us. Oh, we have the most amazing sex ever. I don’t want to run off and elope if her parents are never going to see us ever again (and convincing her to do that might be impossible), but
that seems to be the only choice…. any advice?

Getting BJs in PJ…

you should not let anything stand in between you two. if she’s feels the same, you can manage without parents. if they dont believe in you, then they are just being ignorant. go see this indie flick out now called, "my big fat greek wedding". take notes. if not… vegas baby!!!!!!

Ok, first off, before asking advice, I will save you the trouble and call myself a pussy. I am a wimp and I have no balls (physically, they’re still there)

Alright here it is, I am a 17 year old male, and I have NEVER had a girlfriend. I’ve never had sex or even had a kiss. There is this girl I know who I’ve known since I was 12, we both know each other really well. Well, I asked her out like 2 months after we first met and she turned me down and I’ve been afraid to approach her ever since. So, about 5 years pass by and
we don’t really talk to each other or have any classes together, and then, by all the luck in the world, we have a computer class together this year, and who sits at the computer next to me? HER! Well, we obviously talk a lot and even flirt during that one class. However, I don’t really see her outside of the class. I want to ask her out so badly, I have been in love with this girl since I first met her and the thought of her keeps me awake at night. But the thing is, first of all, how do I know if she’s interested in me in that sort of way? And secondly, how do I even begin to approach her? As you’ve read earlier in this lengthy story, I have virtually no
experience and I’m afraid I have nothing to offer, plus I’m a really shy guy! So please, whoever answers this, give me some suggestions, I am totally clueless.

-Clueless bastard

you need to go get some video tapes… quick… just remember, the one thing you cant learn from videotapes is how to be a gentleman, and how to talk to her with style. just tell her all that you just wrote me, and she will probably be so blown away, that she will screw your head off…. and you wont have to do a thing!



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