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Random Thoughts On The New Issue Of Tongue! 9/26/02

 

RANDOM THOUGHTS ON GENE SIMMONS’ TONGUE
FALL 2002

 

I want to start off by thanking Gene Simmons for making these posts so easy. I would have thought after the 1st issue they would have learned some lessons, but I was obviously thinking way to optimistically, which is why I need to stop doing that.

You all remember what happened last time I did a Random Thoughts On Tongue. We ended up getting an email from Gene, through editor Allen Tuller, asking us to write for Tongue. He made us an offer to write for his rag, we accepted,
THEN WE HAVEN’T HEARD ANYTHING!!!

Hey guys, you came to us, we didn’t go to you. You asked US to write for YOU! Is that a hard concept to follow? YOU CAME TO US! It was even posted on Gene’s website. Then we never heard a word again. Are you senile? Are you too busy interviewing Carson Daly to respond to our emails? Maybe too busy counting the stacks of magazines that are getting returned to you? Did you think we wouldn’t take you up on the offer? Have we already been fired before we wrote one word? Are you scared of what we would write? Personally, I wanted to do it for a laugh. I rip on the magazine, say it sucks, and then get asked to write for it. How insane is that? I figured what I wrote would have never gotten published and we would have just posted it on our page anyway. It was a no lose situation for us. Who knows what will happen after this review? Maybe we’ll be asked to be Editors this time.

I’d also like to say the newsstand I picked this issue up from was the exact same one I got issue #1. This time around they had a lot fewer copies than they did for the first issues, and that isn’t because people were buying them!

Issue #2 has Carrie Stevens on the cover. Who? Exactly. We’ll get to that soon enough.

It’s slogan is "Sex, Style, Rock N Roll." Sounds awfully close to "Sex, Sludge and Rock N Roll!"

The first two pages are an ad for the Kiss Box Set. Of course it says "#1 American Gold Record Champions Of All Time!!" Well if you’re the #1 American Gold Record champ, chances are it is for all time. Thanks for being wordy. Underneath that, it says, "Has Received More Gold Records Than Any Other American Band In History." Hey Gene, how about writing that a good 6 or 7 more times in case we didn’t see it the first two fucking times. Enjoy saying that now Gene because Aerosmith is at 23 Gold Records, and Kiss is at 24. It’s safe to say Aerosmith will easily break this because it’s a lot more likely for them to put something out that’ll go Gold before Kiss. I’ll guess Kiss will just say, "#2 American Gold Record Champions Of All Time!!"

On page 3 we have the table of contents, and then on page 4…. an ad for Kiss on That 70′s Show. So far I’ve seen 4 pages and 3 of them have to do with Kiss.


On page 6 we have Allen Tuller’s cute little intro for this issue.

Allen says, "It’s been an amazing ride and I could not be happier with all the great media coverage we have received worldwide as well as the positive feedback from hundreds of readers." Only hundreds of readers? Metal Sludge has thousands upon thousands of readers. By saying "hundreds" you sound like a fucking fanzine. Beef it up dude.

"It’s really been a blast; at one point we had three launch parties within nine days of each other in three states." You could have a launch party on the moon if you wanted to but that doesn’t mean anybody is buying your magazine.

Underneath Allen’s delusions is a little box that says: Win cool stuff from Gene. Take our online survey at www.genesimmonstongue.com.

NOTE: Nobody is going to win anything from Gene Simmons. I don’t think Gene is going to donate a gift for you to win for taking a survey. If Gene had his way, he’d probably charge you to take the survey.


On page 7, we have an ad for "The Very Best Of Kiss" CD, and of course the ad mentions TWICE that Kiss are the Gold Record Champs. That’s been mentioned 4 times already and I’m only 7 pages into the magazine. I have an idea. Why doesn’t Gene just put pictures of himself on every page and sell that? Cut out all the words and shit like that; just pictures of Gene. That’ll probably be issue #3.


Oh great, Tongue Lashings from Gene. This outta be good. Gene writes: "I want to thank you all for making our little magazine a smashing success. Our premiere issue flew off the stand and left the entire industry scratching its collective head, marveling how we managed to do it."

I don’t know what planet the magazines were flying off the stands, but it wasn’t on Earth. I think what he really meant to say was, "Our premiere issue flew off the stands and straight into the trash due to bookstores not moving any copies. It left the entire industry scratching its collective head, marveling how I managed to fool somebody into putting out a magazine with my name on it."

Gene then goes on to tell us who he is again in case there’s one person from Montana who would buy this without knowing who Gene Simmons’ was. He says, "If you missed our first issue, Gene Simmons Tongue is more or less an extension of who I am. And who I am is what I believe in. It’s how I life my life."

Thanks for stating the obvious. Most people are what they believe in. I don’t know too many people who are what they DON’T believe in.

Like I said before, anybody who buys this magazines knows exactly who Gene is. Yes Gene, we know you’re not married and have no plans on it. We know you’re in Kiss, we know you’ve always been sober, we know you love money, we know you always do what makes you happy, and we know you have all of lives’ answers. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help. Anybody who wastes their money on this knows exactly who Gene Simmons’ is and chances are they’re a Kiss fan. Mr. Airport traveler who isn’t a Kiss fan isn’t going to buy this, he’s going to buy Rolling Stone, Maxim, FHM, Stuff, or any of the othe real magazines that have some substance.

"So, if you haven’t caught our log line, "Sex, Style, Rock N Roll," kindly notice that the word "Drugs" doesn’t appear. Drugs are the enemy, and have no place in this magazine."

Maybe not in the magazine, but somebody in your office must be holding a lighter to a heroin spoon if they think the stuff in this magazine is what people want to see.

Gene takes a page from Playboy and shows some various photos of him at various functions and of different people. This one is good:


Matt Sorum with Tom Morello. Tom looks like a bald, white, upper mid class business man. Keep raging against they system, Tom!

Gene says towards the end of his column, "The world is full of beautiful women. One of them lives next door to you. Send us her photo." Why, so next time you hit my town you’ll know who to look up? Don’t you have enough photos of women? Nice try Gene, I’m onto you.


The first article is on Paulina Rubio and that seems normal enough because she’s getting press for whatever it is she does. But then I notice this, "In addition to a track written by former ’80s pop icon Richard Marx and a spicy cover of Kiss’ 1979 disco hit, "I Was Made For Lovin’ You," of course. Can’t forget to mention KISS!!


Now this next part is FUCKING great. This is why these reviews are so easy to do. It’s stuff that you would never see in Maxim, FHM, Stuff, or any legit magazine.

There is a chart called "Too Much Of A Good Thing" in which it lists rock stars’ death from excess. It’s lists people like Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Bon Scott, John Bonham, Sid Vicious, etc. It’s somewhat interesting, but probably something they found on the internet. Each dead rock star has a photo of them in their chart. They list Kristen Pfaff from Hole, but the picture they show isn’t Kristen, it’s SAMANTHA MALONEY!

Last I knew, Samantha Maloney and Kristen Pfaff were two different fucking people!!!!! And Samantha Maloney ISN’T DEAD!

How the fuck does that happen? Obviously somebody got a picture of the band Hole and had no idea who was who, so they must have figured Samantha was Kristen. Can’t anybody do any research? You wouldn’t see Maxim do a thing on Vince Neil and put up a picture of Mick Mars! How hard is it to enter the name Kristen Pfaff into the Yahoo search engine, find a website dedicated to her, AND SEE WHAT SHE FUCKING LOOKS LIKE!? She looks like this:

Samantha Maloney looks like that picture up above.
Notice anything? They’re TWO DIFFERENT PEOPLE!

It took me all of 5 seconds to find that photo of Kristen Pfaff. Idiots. Who’s the photo editor, Ray Charles? I’m glad they at least got the picture of Jimi Hendrix right and didn’t use a picture of Jimmy "Dyn-o-mite" Walker. Maybe next issue they’ll do a thing on Britney Spears and run photos of Britny Fox!

Keep on pumping out the quality material guys!


I haven’t had a laugh like that since the Rock Fest tour ended, so luckily the next few pages are just filler. It’s something on a comic chick, beer, Snoop Dog’s caddy. It’s all a bunch of useless info on crap you’ll forget as soon as you’re done reading it. Total filler. Maxim has filler, but it’s funny stuff and interesting. This is just stuff that seems like, "Well, we have 4 pages we need to fill, so lets write about how to cook eggs in the morning for a one-night stand." Who cares? If it’s a one-night stand, why do you want to cook her eggs in the first place?


The "Calling Dr. Love" column answers some "questions" about sex. Such gems as, "How do I get my girlfriend to do a threesome," "How do I know if she’s faking an orgasm," and "I’m running out of things to do with my tongue down there. Any suggestions?" Those questions were interesting if you’re a guy who’s about 12. Anybody else should be beyond that and be at, "How do I get my girlfriend to wash my car while giving me a blowjob as I shove a lampshade up her ass." That’s the stuff people want to read. Not that outdated shit. People learn more from our "Ask The Stars" section…this month featuring Kiss fan Scott Ian!


I see an ad for Kiss Kondoms. The "Tongue Lubricated" has Gene on the box, and a picture of Paul Stanley is on the box of "Studded Paul." Look, I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to see any member of Kiss on my condoms. Seeing 50 year old men in clown makeup and leather isn’t going to help me keep my dick hard!!! I could have Britney Spears and Jenna Jameson together in bed, begging me to fuck them both, and I’d pull out the condom package and see Paul Stanley looking at me pouting and my dick would go limp. It would be over. And I certainly pray they don’t put Ace’s picture on a package. You know those condoms would be defective, just like him. They’d probably come with holes at the end of ‘em.


"10 Things She Thinks You Do Wrong In Bed" is the next article. I always hate shit like this because it reminds me of crap Cosmo does and it’s all subjective stuff. Some girls might like it if you twist their titties in a knot and kick them in the spine. Who’s to say? I think they left out the #1 thing…when you go to put on a condom, make sure it isn’t a Kiss Kondom!


The first real article is a piece on Skateboarder Tony Hawk. Before the interview starts, it says, "Gene Simmons makes no claims to be a skateboarding aficionado, but he is endlessly fascinated with power and success, hence his interest in Tony Hawk as a subject for Gene Simmons Tongue."

What???? When did this happen? Gene Simmons fascinated with power and success? Nooo, you’re kidding, right?

Thanks for the scoop Captain Obvious.

The interview takes place at Gene’s house and he starts off by saying "The thing that interests me, and I think the reason there are Tony Hawk fans, is less about the "look at me defying gravity," and all about that stuff. I really believe in the notion that stars are more than what they do. For instance, we’re sitting here talking, and I don’t see a skateboard anywhere near us. But that’s the sign of a star."

First of all Gene, the interview took place at your house. Did you expect Tony to skateboard over to your place? Why would there be a skateboard at YOUR house? Now if you were at Tony’s house and didn’t see a skateboard anywhere, then you could say that. It would make sense. I also think the main reason Tony Hawk has fans IS because he can do "look at me defying gravity" shit. Sure he might be a cool guy and might have other things going on, but the main reason anybody first cared about him is because what he could do, not because he was just a star waiting to happen. If he sucked at skateboarding nobody would care. It’s really nothing deeper than that.

There are 6 pages on Tony Hawk, but on 3 of those pages are pictures of Femmebots. What are Femmebots and why are there pictures of them instead of maybe TONY HAWK SKATEBOARDING? I really have no idea. They briefly talk about these chicks at the end of the interview, but they still don’t explain what the fuck that are.

Gene: One last question. Does Tony Hawk have to personally approve every single Femmebot on the Boom Boom Huck Jam tour?
Tony: Well actually I don’t have to personally approve every Fembott, but I get to see pictures usually.
I hate it when that happens.
Yeah, I know. But I’ve got a friend who’s very trustworthy in that area.
Oh, he’s a Fembott inspector.
Fembott caster, I guess.
Caster?
Yeah.
No casting couch though.
No couch, no.
It’s a different world.

And that’s it. Ok, fine, then put up maybe one picture and then explain what they are. But having 3 giant pictures of them in the middle of a Tony Hawk interview makes no sense. The chicks, who aren’t even that hot, get just as many pages of photos as Tony. I don’t know, call me crazy, but maybe a few more pictures of him actually skateboarding might work. What do I know?


On page 34 we come to Gene’s interview with Peter Criss. Now I’ll admit this is a good interview because Gene lets Peter talk shit about him. The beginning is just how they met and all that crap all the Kiss fans already know. Gene then asks Peter to talk about each band member, and Peter says the following about Gene-O: You’re such a control freak, I want to choke you to death at times. If it ain’t your way, it’s nobody’s way……At times I hear you say one thing, and then you say another thing. I don’t know where you’re going. I go, "Oh, that was nice." Then I read something else and I go, "That’s not nice.
Gene: Have I changed?
Yeah. I worry about you. I think you’re going crazy. I think sometimes that kerosene that you’ve been spitting out has really gotten to your brain. I think it’s worked its way up there, and caused problems. I say this because my own psychologist saw you on TV and thinks he should see you in his office now…..There’s a nasty way about you when you walk into a room. You expect everybody to stop what they’re doing and drop, because the master just entered. You were always pompous, and wanted to get over on somebody and intimidate them with your height….Mentally, you could hurt someone as bad as I could hit someone in the face, with all my might.
It’s rather long and Peter goes off about Ace too and bags on Gene some more. That’s great stuff! Maybe I should have Peter do some of my reviews. Gene doesn’t even try to defend himself because he’s so delusional he probably doesn’t think any of it’s true. The interview has plenty of good quotes for Famous Last Words. The most disturbing thing is that Peter says, "I think the band will get back together again and play. I think it’s inevitable. I don’t believe I’m saying this, because a lot has append between us, but I believe it’s destiny for this band to take it’s final bow, because it deserves that in the history books of rock and roll." Yeah, I think that already happened. It was called the Farewell Tour!!!

My suggestion is to just read the interview in the book store.


After that piece is 2 pages of filler on some hot blond chick. She’s hot and has her arms over her tits, so that’s cool. She says she got a boob job at 17, so you know she’s nuts and probably puts out right away.


Andy Dick does a phone interview thing where he talks about what he does over the course of a few days. This is actually decent.


WTF? An article on Sable, I mean Rena Mero? Somebody needs to inform Gene that her 15 minutes of fame ended in 1998. What exactly has she done since she left the WWF except age? The Fabulous Moolah is more timely than Rena. Rena says, "I was undefeated woman’s champion, and you can’t do much better than that. I left on top." No, you were asked to leave and never had the opportunity to drop your title in the ring. You weren’t a champion, the character of Sable was and that’s only because of how you looked, not because you could wrestle worth a shit. Back to waiting tables for you.


Next up is an article on Robbie Crane! Kind of. It’s on Bob Crane from Hogan’s Heroes. Who did you think I was talking about? I heard about this stuff on Howard Stern before so I don’t feel like writing about it here. You’re really not missing out on anything here.


Playboy Playmate Carrie Stevens gets 6 pages and an interview, basically because she used to date Kiss drummer Eric Carr. She was also in the great, critically acclaimed epic movie "Rock Star" and played a band member’s wife (meaning she was an extra) and that’s about it. Hey, it’s great to maybe interview her and see what stories she has, but 6 pages and putting her on the cover is a tad much. I don’t think anybody is going to walk buy and go, "Hey it’s Carrie Stevens on the cover, pick that up!"


We come to Sixx Degrees Of Separation. This is about Nikki Sixx writing for other people. The article says, "If you don’t get a lump in your throat every time you hear the epic "Home Sweet Home" you’re officially a heartless bastard."

Cool, now I’m officially a heartless bastard! I was hoping I could officially be that someday.

There is a very brief interview between Nikki and Saliva’s Josey Scott, and I didn’t learn a single thing. They might as well have been talking about the weather. Totally useless dialogue. Then it talks about Nikki’s new partner named James Michael. No, Nikki hasn’t dumped Donna for a guy, it’s the dude who co-wrote a lot of the stuff on Motley’s "New Tattoo." That should speak volumes about that guys writing skills then.

Last month there was a piece of Donna D’Errico, and this month it’s Nikki. In issue #3 maybe they’ll follow Nikki’s kids to school! I think Sixx has blackmail material on Gene and is forcing him to include him in every issue.


Now we come to an article about why men like big breasts, but only get two photos of breasts, both from the same chick. My suggestion would have been to include a variety of different sizes and shapes. But why be creative? Not to sound gay, but this is a totally useless article. I don’t need to read 17 paragraphs about why guys like big tits. Somebody has too much time on their hands if they need to analyze that.


The tits thing ends on page 70 and as far as I’m concerned that’s all there is. Oh sure there are more pages, but not of anything worth commenting on. There is an interview between two groupies. Pamela Des Barres talks with some new groupie chick named Michelle Dupont. I’ve read better stuff on the Ho-Board….NOT that I read the Ho-Board.

The rest of the magazine is filled with ads, some fashion stuff that nobody reads, a few CDs reviews including a CD buy a band named Gene (of course), and just garbage. The very end of the magazine has photos from the Tongue launch parties.

This photo is good. It says "Midget Kiss." Gene, being the sophisticated person you are, you should know by now that the term "midget" is offensive to midg….er…little people. You don’t call them midgets anymore. You call them dwarfs or hobgoblins or something.


That’s not actually a little person with Gene, that’s actually Eric Singer in Peter’s makeup! Duh.

The last photo in the magazine is of a fashion model on the runway in Gene’s makeup. Can’t let us forget that this is Gene Simmons’ magazine!

The only thing that made this issue better than the first was Peter going off about Gene. Otherwise, it’s no better at all. The first issue had 106 pages and this issue has 114, but it seems like those new pages are just more ads. It still has less content than any other men’s magazine and for just as much money. Plus even diehard Kiss fans don’t want to be fucking hit over the head with "Gene Simmons this" and "Gene Simmons that" every 2 pages. Fuck, get over yourself already, Gene.

You know, Indians worship the cow. You worship an ass – yourself!

I’m out like the photo editor at Tongue,

OZZY STILLBOURNE

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