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Random Thoughts On The Movie “Rock Star” 9/10/01

RANDOM THOUGHTS ON THE MOVIE
"ROCK STAR"

If you haven’t seen the movie yet and you don’t want to know what happened, then why the fuck did you click on a link that said, "Random Thoughts On The Movie Rock Star." What did you expect to read? Did you think you’d be reading about Danger Danger’s latest CD? You’re an idiot and deserve to have the movie ruined for you. So at the very end of the movie Marky Mark cuts off his hair, sings in a coffee shop and gets back together with Jennifer Aniston. There, I gave away the ending. Fuck you.

Do not think I paid to see this movie. And do not think that I even went to a screening of the movie. What? Being Ozzy Stillbourne, I watched the fucking movie at home! What? I sat on my couch with a beer in my hand and watched the fucking thing at home! It’s called having an advance copy of the movie. Special people like myself get shit like that. So I drank a nice cold beer with my popcorn and watched the whole thing in my balls hanging out of my underwear. Glad I could share that with you.

What I’ll do here is give you a recap of the movie and any random thoughts that popped into my head as I watched this. Being that I had this on tape I was able to rewind it and make sure I got everything. I think.

I’d like to say that I can’t get past Mark Wahlberg’s wig. It looks faker than anything Paul Stanley or Kevin DuBrow have ever worn. So everytime I see "Chris Cole" I think, "It’s Marky Mark in a bad wig." It sort of ruined the movie for me, but bare with me.

Marky Mark plays Chris Cole. He’s in a Steel Dragon tribute band called Blood Pollution. His role model is Steel Dragon singer Bobby Beers. He does Bobby as good as Ralph Saenz does David Lee Roth. You get the picture.

Chris (Marky Mark) has posters of Steel Dragon up in his room and he jacks off while looking at pictures of Bobby Beers. That last part isn’t in the movie but I think he probably does. Call it a hunch. He’s a total freak for the band. He works a normal job in an office, blah blah blah, he wears makeup, blah blah blah, his brother is a cop, blah blah blah, his parents are supportive, and other useless shit like that. His girlfriend is Jennifer Aniston who plays Emily.

I should also mention Blood Pollution’s drummer is Slaughter’s Blas Elias! Blas even gets to spin some sticks in the movie and has such in-depth dialogue as "sounds just like the tape, man." I think an Oscar is in order! (Sarcasm mode turned off) Wonder how many takes it took Blas to say those 6 words?

Blood Pollution goes to see Steel Dragon in concert and they put fliers on the cars in the parking lot promoting an upcoming show. And of course when they get into the show they are in the front row. As Bobby Beers goes to sing, he can actually hear Chris (Marky Mark) sing louder than him. That’s realistic. So Chris (Marky Mark) is up front singing along and sounds exactly like Bobby Beers. And Bobby Beers sounds a lot like Mike Matijevic from Steelheart.

After the show they see another Steel Dragon tribute band ripping off the fliers from cars and replacing them with their own. Next up is some fine acting as both bands end up in a cat fight.

In a truly useless scene, we now go to Chris (Marky Mark) and Emily in a church choir and of course Chris (Marky Mark) out sings everybody.

After the church thing, we go to a shot of Emily rubbing Marky Mark’s nipple. Really. I know that sounds like shit we’d make up but it’s true. She’s rubbing his nipple with ice and then pierces it because Bobby Beers did the same thing last week. See, I told you Chris (Marky Mark) probably jacks off to Bobby Beers photos.

Now Blood Pollution is doing the show they were promoting earlier and two Steel Dragon groupies film the show. And of course when Chris sings, he sounds exactly the same as Bobby Beers because it’s always Mike Matijevic singing. You’d think they could have at least had a somewhat different voice. So bitching aside, the guitar player doesn’t play the solos exactly the same as Steel Dragon does, so Chris (Marky Mark) does an Axl Rose and gets pissed. He goes over to him as they play, and in a normal speaking voice, tells him to play it right. I like how these two have a fucking discussion on stage while they are suppose to be onstage and they are hardly raising their voices. Realism at it’s finest. Anyway, the guitar guy goes back to playing it his way so Marky Chris does a Dana Strum an unplugs his amp. The guitar guy plugs in again so Marky Chris gets pissed and takes his mike stand and smashes it into his amp. They then get into a huge fight onstage. And Blas really acts at this point as he looks on like a deer in headlights.

The next scene has Marky Chris and Emily Aniston showing up at Blood Pollution’s rehearsal to find a new guy singing in Blood Pollution! And naturally it’s the guy he got into a fight with from the other tribute band! Ah, how clever. They tell him he’s fired, Blas says another 3 words, and Marky Mark leaves. Jennifer Aniston says fuck in this scene.

Now Jenny and Chris are in her car and they talk about shit I can’t remember. Something about how he should write his own music or something. I went to the fridge and got a beer during this part because it looked like chick flick stuff. I really have no idea what they talked about. They could have talked about Jizzy Pearl singing for Ratt for all I know.

They show Chrisy Chris sleeping and the phone rings. It’s the guy in Steel Dragon, but Chris doesn’t believe him and hangs up on him. He calls back, convinces Chris that it’s him, and tells him he has a plane ticket at the airport waiting for him. What happened was the Steel Dragon groupies who filmed the Blood Pollution show gave the tape of him singing to Steel Dragon.

Mr. Funky Bunch and Emily fly to LA and get picked up from the airport by this slutty looking chick, and you can also see Jennifer Aniston’s nipples. Well not totally, but the headlights are on so that’s good enough for me. They end up in a limo and the chick asks Emily (Jennifer Aniston) if her tits are hers.

The limo takes them to a huge ass mansion. They walk in and jack off at all the Steel Dragon stuff on the walls. Kind of like Sebitchian does with all his Kiss shit. Chris (Marky Mark) walks into a room and a guy is singing in a sound booth as the band looks on. The singer is Ralph Saenz! Sorry Ralph, if it was Van Halen you’d be in, but it’s Steel Dragon so get the fuck out.

While in the control room, Steel Dragon’s singer Bobby Beers shows up all pissed off. He argues with the band and says the reason he’s getting the boot is because he’s gay. Chris (Marky Mark) had no idea his idol was gay. This is where the movie was just too far fetched for me because what heavy metal singers are gay? Wait a minute…nevermind.

And why is it everybody in Steel Dragon is suppose to be English, but Zakk Wylde doesn’t have an accent? His name in the movie is Ghode and he talks like he’s from Jersey. Well he is from Jersey so that must be why. Speaking of Zakk, in every shot he’s in he’s drinking beer. I hope that wasn’t too much of a fucking stretch for him.

In the middle of the argument with Bobby Beers, he takes off his wig! Now I know what Paul Stanley looks like after a Kiss show.

After Beers leaves, they tell Marky Mark to sing a song, he does, he gets the gig, yak yak yak.

Next up they do a photo session and the photo guy is Neil Zlozower.

Steel Dragon does a press conference and they give Chris the name Izzy. Half the press conference he talks normal and then the other half he talks with an English accent. Ok. One reporter asks how he keeps his voice in shape and one of the Steel Dragon guys say he eats a lot of pussy.

The next scene is Chris (Marky Mark) looking in the mirror practicing saying "I eat lots of pussy" with an English accent. Jennifer Aniston is in bed and says, "Either do it or shut up." He gets in bed but unfortunately we see no pussy eating.

Now it’s time for his first show. They have a pretty insane stage set up. Chris (Marky Mark) takes a little elevator to the top of the set and then walks down some stairs while he sings. At this point he does his best Stephen Pearcy imitation and falls down the fucking stairs. His head is busted open like he took a chair shot from Chris Jericho but he gets up and finishes the song.

At the end of the show Zakk is seen drinking 2 beers at the same time. Zakk’s been practicing for this role his whole life. In the dressing room, Jeff Pilson finally says a few words and he doesn’t have an English accent either. Everybody sucks off Chris/Izzy/Marky Mark and tell him he’s great, yak yak yak.

Everybody then goes to a party where there are lots of chicks. Basically, everybody gets really drunk, Jennifer kisses a chick, other people kiss each other, and they all wake up the next morning in a room full of naked people. Chris/Izzy/Marky Mark wakes up with his pants off and Emily wakes up in bed with a guy and a chick. And naturally they didn’t show the orgy, only the aftermath.

They go to board the bus but the tour manager says chicks aren’t allowed and Emily has to ride in a limo with the other whores. Chris Marky Izzy gets on the bus and Zakk has a shotgun. Nothing like drinking beers and holding a shotgun.

Once in the limo, Emily is sitting with the other band bimbos. Heidi Mark plays the drummer’s girlfriend. She tells Emily that "Normal rules don’t apply" and that the guys will basically cheat on them. So Heidi played a band guy’s girlfriend who gets cheated on. Fuck, I hope that wasn’t too much of a stretch for her! For those of you really stupid, Heidi was Vince Neil’s chick for the last 5 or so years. They’re getting a divorce now. I guess Heidi didn’t learn that "normal rules don’t apply."

Backstage, Emily says she wants to start a management company in Seattle. Maybe she knew grunge would be coming along in a few years. So her and Marky Mark talk it over and she bails to Seattle.

Then they show some "crazy rock n roll" stuff like driving around in the Batmobile! Nothing says crazy rock n roll like driving around in the Batmobile! WTF? What the fuck did the Batmobile have to do with anything?

Other crazy antics include Zakk shooting a street sign from the tour bus, a maid walking into a room and the furniture is nailed to the ceiling, riding a motorcycle down a hallway, and other things you’ve seen in Pantera’s home video.

Then the band hits Seattle and Emily shows up just as a TV hits the sidewalk. She makes her way upstairs and there are chicks everywhere. Marky Mark comes out of a room and totally forget she was suppose to show up. In fact he didn’t even know he was in Seattle. Yak Yak Yak, Jennifer leaves and breaks up with him. Boo hoo.

6 months go by and he’s still driving around in the Batmobile.

He shows up at a studio and a chick is reading an issue of Club with Samantha Fox on the cover. That really has nothing to do with anything, but these are Random Thoughts, so try to stay with me.

He goes to the studio with some audio tapes and album cover ideas, but they don’t want his input. They tell him that they write the lyrics and he just has to sing the songs. Kind of like what Nikki Sixx has said to Vince Neil for the last 20 years.

So now he’s sad and he ends up in a bar talking to the road manager. The road manager tells him some long stupid story that made me get up and get another beer from the fridge. Again, I have no idea what the story was about. It could have been how cool our Metal Sludge T-Shirts are, which you can purchase right here.

At the next Steel Dragon show, Chris (Marky Mark) sees a kid in the front row, like he was at one time, singing along. So Marky Mark (Chris) pulls the kid onstage and of course the kid sounds like Mike Matijevic from Steelheart! Go figure! Chris Wahlberg lets the kid sing and he walks off the stage. As he walks backstage, there is NOBODY around! No roadies or anything. The place looks like a Union show. Empty. Then he runs into the tour manager. He says goodbye to the tour manager and walks off.

Steel Dragon is then shown on MTV bitching about Marky Mark leaving the band and trying to find a new singer. They sort of remind me of L.A. Guns.

Time goes by and next thing you know Marky Mark ends up with short hair singing in coffee shop! It’s like one minute we are in the 80s and the next minute it’s like 1995. I love continuity.

And wouldn’t you know it…Jennifer Aniston sees a Chris Cole flyer and goes to the place he’s singing! They see each other, kiss, and I throw up on the floor.

Chris then gets signed to Spitfire Records and goes on tour with Mike Tramp.

While the credits role, they show some outtakes. The best one is when they are onstage and instead of playing the Steel Dragon music, the Marky Mark song "Good Vibrations" song plays and the rest of the band dances around. That was probably the best part of the movie for me. If they had only shown that clip I would have given the movie a thumbs up.

Recap:

The movie didn’t suck, but it wasn’t great either. I got done watching it and felt like I spent 2 hours in limbo. Kind of like, "what was the point of that?" I’ve seen worse but I’ve seen better. I think it should have either been more funny or more serious. Instead it was sort of in the middle. It’s definitely not a classic and somewhat forgettable, kind of like this post.

You won’t watch it again and again unless your life truly sucks.

So my final rating is Eh.

That’s my rating…eh. When people ask what I thought I’ll say, "eh." You can quote me on that.

Ozzy Stillbourne says "Eh"

Wait for the video. In fact, wait till your friend rents the video and then borrow it from him. That way you save $3.

But why listen to me? Here are a few other reviews from the Sludge staff.

Jani Bon Neil’s review:
It was no Jay & Silent Bob Strikes Back!

Bastard Boy Floyd’s review:
I liked Airheads better.

Taime "Sex" Slaughter’s review:
I didn’t see it yet because Stillbourne hasn’t sent me his copy yet. Fuck you if you think I’m paying to see it.

Donna Anderson’s review:
I thought that just about the funniest part was at the end, during the outtakes, when they play the Marky Mark song with all the "long hairs" on stage.

I thought the movie was cool. Yeah, the ending wasn’t the most realistic-for sure. Very few rock stars in that era were going to quit one of the most successful bands in the world to go and play in a coffeehouse in Seattle (no one knew how big Seattle was going to be then). But still, the ending wasn’t horrible. They always have to have the love story end happily for us girls. Otherwise, we wouldn’t give it as good of a review.

The movie maybe had far too much of a "karma" message to it. The whole "everything goes in cycles thing." Maybe that was a bit deep for the main audience that was going to see it. I don’t know."

Intern Lori’s review:
Roving sludge reporter Intern Lori here.

Went to the big Hollywood premiere of Rock Star last Tuesday. I had already seen the movie in a prescreening a couple months ago. I was curious to see if things had been changed or not. And one more thing, NO, the Poison song is not on the soundtrack or suppose to be on the soundtrack. I had seen the movie in its entirety before the song was even finished. People don’t believe me when I say it, like it’s one big conspiracy.

This was my first big Hollywood premiere. I had a blast. I escorted Bret and Rikki down the red carpet, with Janna and RV covering them from the rear. The boys arrived on Poison time, 10 mins before the screening. By the time we moved down the picture part of the Red Carpet, stopped to talk to MC’s Jamie White and Lara Scott from STAR 98.7, and did the television press, the premiere had been running for 20 mins. Besides Brad and Jennifer, and Mark, we were approached by the most press (and made the most print the next day and mentioned in every TV and news report).

The funny thing is once everyone else went inside, the doors were shut and locked. Here we were, 2 boys from Poison, 3 boys from Def Leppard, assistants and girlfriends standing out there by the door saying "uh, let us in!" We actually had a good time waiting. They escorted us in and we got the very last seats of the theatre (but not in front, yeah!). There I was sharing popcorn with Rikki Rockett and Phil Collen. I had a personal moment. Sorry, I digressed. (Did I tell you how much I love my job. :-)) I felt bad since our party missed the beginning of the movie. All they really missed was how Chris Cole’s cover band, I mean tribute band, get into it with another tribute band and how Chris’ family reacts to his music. The people that sang in for Mark sounded great.

The movie? It is ok. I would suggest it as a matinee with your best buddy from the 80′s. If it wasn’t for the soundtrack, it would be total crap. The soundcheck rocked! It was a stereotypical movie about an 80′s rock band. For those in the industry (musicians, groupies and all), it will kind of mean something. It is cutsy and has some good laughs. The live scenes made me a little sad that the tour is over.

The ending was cutsy hollywood, but completely unrealistic to the music scene. It was also very stereotypical. I won’t ruin it for people but where everyone ends up in the end – you can see it coming.

As we were leaving, Rikki and I ran into Dweezil Zappa and Lisa Loeb. That was a little awkward, standing before Lisa with Lisa Loeb glasses on. (perfect timing for your top 10 list, CC!).

The after party at the House of Blues was your typical LA nightmare. Everyone saying there were on the list but weren’t. Too many people on the list. Too many people in the so-called "VIP" area. The hired security were total dicks. There is much more I would like to say but I don’t want to burn any bridges. People just need to be reminded they are not as high up on the food chain as they really THINK they are. I did walk away with a really cool GAP goodie bag with lots of crap inside. Hmm…. a little sad that is the highlight of the party. O yeah, Janna and I went to Mel’s afterward, so I guess it all was ok afterall. :-)

Glitter for your sludge,

Intern Lori.

I’m out like Bobby Beers wig,

OZZY STILLBOURNE

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