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20 Questions With Captain Janks, 1/4/00

 

21 QUESTIONS WITH…

Captain Janks

Captain Janks

This week’s 20 Questions is with Captain Janks.  You Howard Stern fans know who Captain Janks is, but for the 5 or 6 of you who don’t, he’s the guy who’s responsible for starting the phenomenon of calling up talk shows or newscasts and mentioning the name Howard Stern.  There is really no stopping him because he’s managed to get around every screener and he always makes it to the air.  Whenever there is some sort of major news story, Janks will call a news station, make up a story, get on the air, and then work Howard’s name into the story.   He’s made fools out of Larry King, Peter Jennings, and even Jerry Lewis during the Muscular Dystrophy Telethon.  No matter how big or small the news story is, Janks will strike.  He’s struck during the Oklahoma City bombing and JFK Jr’s plane crash.  Captain Janks gives no fucks!  He’s ruthless!!   Metal Sludge is down with Howard Stern and Captain Janks, so when Stuart Smith asked us if we’d be interested in doing 20 Questions with Janks, we said, "Fuck Yeah!"  By the way, how does Stuart Smith know so many people?  Anyways, here’s 21 Questions with Captain Janks.

1.  What are you currently up to?  This is your only chance to plug your shit, so speak now.

Captain Janks:   I am currently up to wrecking havok on every news gathering organization in America.  My only plug is my web site at: http://www.captainjanks.com and my crank call CD, "King Of The Cranks" available in any major CD location in the U.S.

2.  Stuart Smith hooked us up with you.  Our question is, how the fuck do you know him?  He’s also married to Heather Locklear’s sister Colleen, so have you ever tried to deal on her?

I know Stuart thru a friend named Steve Priest, former bass player from "The Sweet". (Ballroom Blitz, Fox On The Run, Love is Like Oxygen). I have never tried to get to Heather, however, I have masturbated to her image

several times.

Captain Janks & Crackhead Bob

Captain Janks with Crackhead Bob

3.  Since we are a hard rock/heavy metal site, we need to get some music questions out of the way.  First, what was the worst concert you ever saw and the worst album you ever bought?

Worst Concert: Garth Brooks / Worst Album: Anything from Garth Brooks

4.  Which rock star would you like to detach the brake lines from their car?

Stuart Smith

5.  Do you think Howard and Allison will get back together, and if not, will you be trying to hook up with Allison?

I don’t know if they’ll ever get back together, and no, I would not date Allison. I’d much rather date Jackie the Jokeman’s wife, Nancy.

6.  If Howard doesn’t get back with Allison, which of the following chicks is he mostly likely to bang first:

A.  Jenna Jameson

B.  Kendra Jade

C.  Amy Lynn

D.  Robin

E.  Tempest

F.  Janine

G.  Nicole Bass

H.  Ralph


Most likely Amy Lynn (C)

 

7.  Don’t you think the Jerky Boys are played out?

Yes. They have broken up, and now hate each other.

Janks in the limo

Captain Janks in a limo on the way to the premiere of Private Parts

8.  For $20,000:  You walk into a room and there is a nude man with a bag over his head.  You are required to walk over to him and put his penis in your mouth until it becomes fully erect, which, if he’s a normal man, will take all of about 3 seconds.  Would you do it?

No. But If I was payed $20,000 dollars, I would allow him to do that to me.

9.  How many copies of your CD King Of All Cranks did you sell and do you have any plans for another CD?

I am working on my second CD as we speak, and I have sold about 250,000 copies of "King Of The Cranks".

10.  Rate the following chicks on a scale of 1 to 10.  1 being a piece of shit, and 10 being a hottie.

Carmen Electra = (9)

Pamela Anderson =

Robin =
(5)

Britney Spears = (7)

Jenna Jameson = (10)

Ralph = (1)

Jenny McCarthy = (6)

Jennifer Love Hewitt = (8)

Nicole Bass = (3)

Nell Carter = (2)

Carol Alt = (6)

Allison Stern =(4)

11.  What phony phone call are you most proud of and how did you pull it off?

Calling Peter Jennings a dick during the JFK Jr. plane crash coverage.

12.  How many chicks have you fucked as a result of being on the Stern show and on average how much do they weigh?

Probably about 15-20. Average weight about 120 LBS

13.  What hard rock/heavy metal band should give it up and call it a day?

Stuart Smith.

 

14.  How much money would you have to be paid to take a shit on the Pope’s shoes while he was wearing them?

I would pay you to get the Pope in front of me to do it.

15.  Which of the following do you prefer?

Sabrina The Teenage Witch or Buffy The Vampire Slayer = Buffy

Cinderella or Warrant = Cinderella

Metallica or Megadeth = Metallica

Fred The Elephant Boy or Fred Norris = KC Armstrong

Kenneth Keith Kallenbach or Crackhead Bob =Jeri Ryan

Larry King or Rosie O Donnell = Judge Judy

Insane Clown Posse or N?Sync = Insane Clown Posse

Britney Spears or Debbie Gibson = Debbie Gibson (Still cute)

Sam Kinison or Dice Clay = Sam

Janks, Stuttering John, and Grillo

Captain Janks with Stuttering John and Steve Grillo

16.  For $500,000:  You will be required to perform oral sex on your mother until orgasm.  You can discuss the proposal with her, work on it together, and share the money if you wish.  Would you do it?

No, but I would do someone else’s mother.

17.  Which of the following had the worst album?

A.  Stuttering John "Everybody is Normal Except Me?"

B.  King Norris "Animal"

C.  Or anything Jackie The Jokeman puts out?


Jackie

18.  If you had to have sex with either Howard, Jackie, Fred, Baba Booey, KC, or Stuttering John, who would you choose and why?

Myself

19. How much money have you made from being associated with the Howard Stern show?

Enough to get this e-mail thing.

20.  Are you tall enough to get on all the good rides at amusement parks?

No. That’s why I never go.

21.  Time for Metal Sludge’s Word Association.  We mention a name, you tell us your thoughts.

Howard Stern = King Of All Media

Tommy Lee = Lucky

Fred Norris = Scarey

Lars Ulrich =

Kenneth Keith Kallenbach = Yeah

Mancow = Daddy’s rotting skull

Jackie Martling = Plugs

Jerky Boys = Suck

Baba Booey = Teeth

Kid Rock = Good sound

Melrose Larry Green =funny

Ted Nugent = great fucking music

John Debella = Yazoo

Stuttering John =Big fan, big fan.

Janks runs the show.

For more info on Captain Janks, his CDs, appearances, and shit like that, go to www.captainjanks.com.

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