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SLUDGEWIRE IDOL DEBUTS!

 

SLUDGEWIRE IDOL DEBUTS!

We always seem to have the lofty goal of doing a new SludgeWire every week. You know what SludgeWires are, right? That’s where we post all the latest news from the world of hard rock and heavy metal, adding our own comments along the way.

Well, that ambition never seems to work out. Everyone gets too busy doing other things behind the scenes and the news gets ignored. If you haven’t noticed, sometimes months will go by without any new SludgeWires, and that makes people sad.

At the same time, we get a constant barrage of e-mails from some of our junior staff members eagerly asking, "when are we going to get to do a SludgeWire?" (Our junior staff consists of the newer writers and correspondents at Metal Sludge who do all the crap the senior staff doesn’t always have time to do, like writing CD and Retro Reviews, doing background research for our interviews, and shit like that.) However, we don’t want to put up any SludgeWire comments we don’t think the Sludgeaholics will enjoy, as our senior editorial staff is pretty stringent about the quality of anything that gets posted at Metal Sludge. (Well, most of the time, anyway.)

So, since all the junior staff members seem to have enough time on their hands, we thought to ourselves, "why not have all the junior staff do a SludgeWire together? Then we’ll let the Sludgeaholics decide who’s worth keeping around!" What better way to break in new blood, while at the same time, giving the senior staff members a break from having to comment on the news each week! Sounds good to us.

So with that, we’re proud to present to you…

SludgeWire Idol

That’s right! It’s time to pick Metal Sludge’s first-ever SludgeWire Idol!

Over the next several weeks, our new batch of junior Sludge staff members will take time out from twiddling their thumbs and will add commentary to a new SludgeWire. And each week, YOU – the Sludgeaholics – will vote for whom you think gave the best comments. Are they witty? Informed? Poignant? Do they make you shit yourself with laughter? Vote for whom you think did the best job. The writers with the most votes will move on to the next round, while the one writer with the least amount of votes gets kicked out and won’t do another SludgeWire again. (Well, at least until the contest is over.)

As the competition ensues, the number of contestants will dwindle each week until there’s only one left. That lucky junior staff member will be our very first SludgeWire Idol! They’ll be Metal Sludge’s very own Kelly Clarkson! (Metaphorically speaking, of course.) As their grand prize, that staff member will not only be included in any and all future SludgeWires, but they’ll be given the opportunity to do their own column at Metal Sludge in which they can post whatever they want for the rest of the year.

Do you think all that sounds lame? Fuck it, we need to get the news out. So enough fucking around, let’s get on with round one of SludgeWire Idol!

Naturally, we have our panel of expert judges who will dish out some constructive criticism at the end of the SludgeWire, no doubt subliminally swaying the vote. Actually, they’re only here for the purpose of providing random thoughts about the performance of our contestants. Those celebrity judges are…

SludgeWire Idol judges
SludgeWire veterans bastard boy floyd, Dana Brittingham, and Donna Anderson!

Our judges shouldn’t be strangers to anyone who’s been coming to Metal Sludge for any length of time. Here’s some brief background info on each of them:

Donna Anderson, the reigning queen of groupie whores, has been around since the very early days of Metal Sludge and is in charge of the World Famous Penis Chart. She’s done her fair share of SludgeWires. She’s also done her fair share of actively touring 80s rockers, but that’s beside the point.

Dana Brittingham is basically is a snotty displaced Englishman and is more or less the assistant editor of Metal Sludge, mostly dealing with coordinating interviews, reviews, and shit like that. He’s been a part of the staff for about 5 years now, but to our knowledge, this is the first time his picture has ever been shown. Shit, if you looked like that, you probably wouldn’t want your picture to be posted very often either.

bastard boy floyd is, well… everyone knows who floyd is.

I’m Jani Bon Neil, and I’ve got nothing to do with this.

Now let’s meet our contestants!

Baz Von Poley is Metal Sludge’s newest correspondent, charged with covering the Mötley Crüe reunion tour and all related events. Even though he’s only posted two updates so far, he’s been asking to do a SludgeWire for months, so this is his shot at the big time.

Clifford "Junior" Newsted joined the staff last August, and has since written a shitload of CD Reviews, including a bunch that haven’t been posted yet. (Sorry, Cliff!) Cliff is also psyched about doing his first SludgeWire, and he’s going to do his best not to fuck it up.

Doro Jett is a more recent junior member of the Metal Sludge staff, having come aboard late last fall. She rides motorcycles, chews tobacco, and could probably kick your ass without even thinking about it. Oh yeah, she’s written CD reviews for us too.

Jet Boy George also joined the staff last August. Even though he’s written only one Retro Review, he’s still an invaluable source of hair band knowledge, and has aided in a plethora of background research for 20 Questions and Rewind victims. Jet Boy George didn’t necessarily ask to take part in SludgeWire Idol, but we’re making him do it anyway.

Josie Hilton came aboard in late 2003 as an assistant to Donna Anderson. She has also only written one Retro Review so far, but has aided with a ton of copy editing and research. She has more contributions in the works, including some that haven’t even been unveiled yet. She was also coerced into being a SludgeWire Idol candidate, but she’s pretty easy to manipulate, which is why she’s part of the staff in the first place.

Lord Satyr Filth also came aboard late last summer when floyd found him living in the basement of Sludge headquarters. "Filthy" is our resident expert for all things dark and evil. Even though he’s into a bunch of black and death metal bands like Cannibal Corpse, Immolation, Gorguts, etc., he’s still a virtual cornucopia of knowledge related to more mainstream hard rock bands. He’s even got a Leatherwolf poster hanging down there in the basement, if that’s any indicator of how diverse his tastes can be.

Is all that complicated enough for you? Good. Let’s get underway with SludgeWire Idol!

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