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20 Questions with Chris Van Dahl, 8/3/99

 

20 QUESTIONS WITH…

Chris

Ex- L.A. Guns Singer Chris Van Dahl

We’re not going to lie to you, this by far is the shittiest interview we have done.  This guy is such a loser he makes Stefan Adika look like Gene Simmons!  Fuck, we wish we’d interview Stefan again!  This guy had no business being interviewed.  We should have known this interview would flop, cause Chris (Roxy) Van Dahl use to be in Cherry Street, which was one of the gayest bands on Sunset Strip.  Then Tracii Guns must have felt sorry for him and decided to let him be the singer of LA Guns for a year or so.  Shit, who hasn’t been the singer of L.A. Guns??  Chris must be a big time Slaughter fan, cause he can’t write worth shit, and he thinks he’s funny.  In fact, his comments are so "witty" we thought we’d add our own comments underneath.  We’ve never added our own comments to an interview before, but we felt this deserved them.  Enjoy.  

1.  What are you currently up to?  This is your only chance to plug your shit!
CHRIS VAN DULL:  Ok you cockbiting cummdumpsters let’s get this over with. Lol!!!  I just finished a movie with Donna Dierico called. Day of the dead and it’s currently running on HBO. I’m also working on a new record.  But I think I’ll keep that one a suprise for now.
Chris "finished" a movie with Donna D’Errico, yet he has no idea how to spell her last name.  Look dude, being an extra in a movie and making $80 a day doesn’t make you the star of the picture, ok?  What is Day Of The Dead about, Chris’ career?  And yeah, it’s a good idea to keep your solo record a "suprise".  You wouldn’t want to plug that or anything and have people find out about it.

2.  Do you think Tom (Monroe) Mathers runs a record label, a record store, or a full blown meth lab?  Please explain your answer.  
I refuse under my fifth amendment rights to disclose any potentially damaging information that might lead to the assumed association or connection of Mr. Monrothers and myself. However if pushed to the letter of the law I might go as far as to say. Crack has got more then one record label of the ground…Now back off Gangsta Bitchboy moth@! F#@ker!!!
People who edit the word FUCK with cute little symbols like "@" and "#" need to be gang raped by the front line of the Dallas Cowboys.  How lame.

3.  What rock star deserves the biggest smack in the mouth?
Well’ that’s a Cocked&(Loaded) question!!! lol!!! 

4.  How was your 5 minutes of fame in L.A. Guns and why did you quit. 
Great!!!  ya ever try shiting in a bag on a tour bus? Lol! It was obvious enough,Have you ever listened to the last record? It’s like Pantera meets Sabbath. The little girls freaked!!! We had great chemistry but ultimately. Wrong time wrong place. So I quit rejoined and got fired. Lol!!!!!!
What does shitting in a bag on a tour bus have to do with anything?  Everybody knows you can’t shit on the toilet in a tour bus.  If you couldn’t handle that, then you didn’t deserve to be in a fucking tour bus.  The real reason you got fired is cause your voice makes Stephen Pearcy sound like Pavarotti

5.  What?s your opinion of the current scene on Sunset Strip?
What scene? Unless you count Nancy Sinatra at the viper room.


Chris when he was the singer for L.A. Guns for a good half hour/45 minutes.

6.  Think of someone you genuinely hate (we all hate someone, especially when you really think about it.)  Keeping in mind you have no choice but to choose one of the answers, would you elect for this person to?
A.  Get hit by a bus, thus rendered paralyzed for life.
B.  Fall off a lawnmower and subsequently be disfigured for life but live.
C.  Get in an accident that causes the full amputation of all sexual genitalia.  
A tough but very creative question. my hats off to you boys. Well i’d have to say that Sy Sperling guy. His shits so expensive!!! oh and uhh I’d definitely have to say the first half of B. and the second half of C. S’that ok?  

7.  Would you hang yourself from the Hollywood sign in order to get publicity for your band?
It’s been done already…But I would hang somebody else just for fun;)
No shit it’s been done already!  That’s why we asked the question ya friggin idiot!

8.  Who was a bigger pain in the ass to deal with: Tracii Guns, Tom (Monroe) Mathers, or Bill Gazzarri?
Guns Mathers Monroe Gazzarri, Guns mathers Monroe Gazzarri not one of those fu@#ers bought me a Ferrie!  
A Ferrie?  I think he means a Ferrari.  Dude, if you can’t spell it, you don’t deserve to drive one.

9.  You have a lot of tats and piercings.  Are your nuts or dick pierced at all?
No 

10.  Rate the following chicks on a scale of 1 to 10.  

Gerri Miller 10  
Pamela Anderson 10
Donna D? Errico 10
Rebecca Romain Stamos 10
Heather Graham 10
Mariah Carey 10
Yasmine Bleeth 10
Alicia Silverstone 10
Courtney Love 10
Jenna Jameson 10
I love them all in there own special way…Lol!!!
So Chris is saying that Gerri Miller is a 10, and so is Pamela Anderson?  Whatapuss!  Way to be honest.

11.  You were in Cherry Street for a while, and for about 5 minutes, you guys were the cool band on Sunset Strip.  Why do you think Cherry Street never got a record deal or any real success?
We did have a deal. (Do you’re homework man) with BMG JRS. And believe it or not. There we’re nights on tour I’d sighn more of that old CherryStreet shit then Guns stuff. And I’m not kidding.
We did our homework man. The only deal Cherry Street had is with JRS. Who the frig is JRS? Joke Recording Session Records?  And Erik Turner of Warrant was involved with that, too. I guess you guys had a stupid little thought that Warrant would take you out and play arenas.   Guess again.  Getting a distribution deal with BMG is about as easy as going to 7-11 and making yourself a Big Gulp.  That doesn’t impress anyone.

12.  What current hard rock/heavy metal band should break up and call it a day?  
Ok. you said current soooo. Let’s see. ummm. VanHalen. That or get Roth back. Does that count?

13.  Name some famous porn pigs or groupies you’ve encountered?
I have no responce to that statement at this time….Yes baby Yes!!! Atta Girl!!!!!
Words Chris had trouble spelling:  response.  This sentence also makes no sense.

14.  Who has the worst hair (piece) in rock?
Traci Gunns 
Steve "Sex" Summers
Paul Stanley
Chris (Roxy) Van Dahl (yourself)
The guys from Spinal Tap
I’d have to say me. What with the chemotherapy and all. theres not much money left after the treatments for purty cosmetic replacments. So i just figure I’ll grow out my eyebrows n comb em backwards over ma forehead
Word Chris had trouble spelling:  There’s, replacements, and pretty.  Also, we have no idea what he is talking about

15. What band are you in this week and how come you can?t stay with a group for long?
The VOW . And I’ll bet I lasted longer with any band that I’v been with then you did with you’re last girlfriend.

16.  For $10,000,000, (that?s 10 million), which would you do:  
A.  Sacrifice a 13 year old virgin (given, of course, that no one will ever know about it)
B.  Strangle your closest relative to within an inch of their life, rendering them comatose for several days (and never be able to explain why you did it)  
OR,
C. Actually kidnap a seven-year-old child for one week then release him/her with the total security of knowing you?ll never get caught?

Just send the check already. and quit playing around!
Would it have been that difficult to at least pick one of our options?  Fuck man, answer the question and quit being a pussy.  A, B, or C.  It’s not hard, it’s a fucking hypothetical question!  It’s not like it’s really going to happen.  Fucking douchebag.

17.  Did you ever fall off the stage when you played with L.A. Guns?
Fallin off jumped off, been pushed off, pulled off ,thrown off,sucked off and f@#ked off. Too much information?
Oh yea, that’s way to much information.  Your just blowing our minds with all the quality shit your saying.

18.  What?s your drug of choice?
Caffine
We think he means Rogaine.

19.  Other than yourself, what frontman sings out of key the most?
Other then you, what pompous little would be editor sucks the phlegm out of a porpoise’s blow hole?
I believe the answer to your question Chris is, "Who Is Gerri Miller?"  Answer the fucking question!  Fuck, if you’re going to avoid a question, at least be creative about it.  If you want to see creative ways to avoid answers, see John Corabi’s 20 Questions.  He avoided some questions, but it was very entertaining and you don’t even notice he’s not answering the question.  That’s how it’s done.

20.  Metal Sludge’s Word Association.  We mention a name and you give us your thoughts.
Just one. I got to go. Next time we can do Roshak blotters Lol!!! Later:)

Tom (Monroe) Mathers
Tracii Guns
Jizzy Pearl
Bret Michaels
Slaughter
Sebastian Bach
Vince Neil
James Hetfield
Jani Lane
Sy Sperling

Chrissy Van Dull

What a fucking pussy.  I guess it’s too hard for Chris to think up brief comments for 10 different people.  NOTE TO ALL FUTURE 20 QUESTION SUBJECTS:  If you agree to do 20 Questions, then do all 20 Fucking Questions! We’re not going to continue to let people avoid questions, especially someone like Chris Van Dahl!  This is probably the must exposure Chris has gotten in years, but he fucks it up by acting like he’s Mr. Rock Star.  Oh well, not every interview can be a winner.  Hopefully next week our subject will be more on the ball than this clown.  We apologize for any grief or stress we have caused you since this week’s interview is lame.  We hope to make it up to you in the future.

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