RANDOM THOUGHTS ON VH1′s
100 MOST METAL MOMENTS
We’re sure you’re all aware that VH-1 has re-aired their "100 Greatest Metal Moments" this weekend. Of course, a certain rock website is ranked #8, but before we get to that, we thought we’d go through each number and give our own random thoughts. Since these type of shows have people sit around and comment on things, we’re going to comment on everybody’s comments! It originally aired in early June of 2004, and on June 6, we posted our own recap, written by the always bitter Ozzy Stillbourne. Here it is in its entirety.
I should mention the show was narrated by Dee Snider, who did a good job as always.
100 – Crazy Shave Train
This is about Ozzy shaving his bandmates eyebrows back when he was all fucked up. Ozzy shaving people’s eyebrows is number 100? Huh? Maybe being #8 on this list isn’t as cool as I thought it was going to be!
Who the fuck is Eric Bohnenstiel? It’s some dude who comments on this and he’s in front of a bunch of guitars hanging on a wall and under his name it says "Metal Expert." And I guess to prove it he’s wearing a Saxon Tour T-Shirt! How the fuck do you become a metal expert? Is there a class you take? Do you have to own a certain amount of rare Judas Priest demos or something? This guy might be a ‘metal expert’ but he’s not a Metal Sludge Certified Metal Expert! And until you’re certified by Metal Sludge, I really don’t think you can claim to be a ‘metal expert.’
We also get comments from Doug Benson, and he’s from The Marijuana-Logues. Great. Wonderful. I was hoping this special would have exclusive comments from Doug Benson! By the way, this guy is totally stoned during this. His eyes are so closed he almost looks Chinese.
Well holy shit, we have another METAL EXPERT! This guy is named Mark Strigl and to prove he’s a METAL EXPERT, he has on his Motley Crue "Shout At The Devil" T-Shirt. Who the fuck are these guys? And do we really need this much discussion on shaving eyebrows?
99 – Tail On Tape
This deals with our favorite cockblockers, Poison, having their roadies film the chicks in the crowd and then bringing the tape back to the dressing room so the guys can pick who they want to be with.
Rikki Rockett says it started because, "Bret and I had such a rivalry going on, I’d say, "You sent your road crew guy out there, how do I know she doesn’t want to meet me? We’ll get this shit on camera. That’s what we’ll do!"
Well it’s good to see that even the band cockblocks each other and not just the opening bands.
98 – Take My Arm
This is about Brent Muscat pulling off a girl’s prosthetic limb by mistake because he thought it was a mannequin arm. He stuck it down his pants, rubbed his balls with it, played the guitar with it, all sorts of fun things.
I talked to Donna Anderson during this and she wanted to know what the fuck was up with Brent’s hair during this interview. Donna wasn’t backing the hair, Brent. Just passing that along.
97 – Impersonating Priest
About Tim Owens being in a Priest tribute band and ending up in Judas Priest. Sebitchian Bach, who is wearing his own Bach Tight 5 T-Shirt (which is gay), comments and says, "replacement bands have that have new singers, it’s not the real band." Tell that to AC/DC and Van Halen. Just because you were replaced is no reason to be bitter. Well, actually it is, so nevermind
96 – Kentucky Fried Alice
This has to do with somebody throwing a chicken up on stage during an Alice Cooper show in 1969, and he threw it up in the air because he thought it would fly but it went straight into the crowd and they destroyed it. A cool story. We get comments from Mark the METAL EXPERT during this too, so that’s a relief! Glad Mark was able to help enlighten us on this situation.
95 – Frehley Gets Fried
About Ace Frehley getting electrocuted during a show. Paul says it was at the Sportatorium in Florida. Wonder if that’s anything like the EnormoDome? Actually, the show was in Lakeland, Florida, at the Civic Center but I’m ashamed I even know that. Anyway, we have comments from yet ANOTHER METAL EXPERT! This time it’s some glam looking dude name John Ostronomy. Really, out of everybody in the music business, nobody else could comment on this?
Dee Snider says Ace finished the show with no feelings in his fingers. Sounds to me like Ace has been playing with no feeling in his fingers for the last 20 years.
Eddie Trunk also comments about this. I don’t think we’ve ever really busted Eddie Trunk’s balls before. We’ve been doing this for almost 6 years and I think Eddie Trunk hasn’t gotten any shit from me or Sludge. Well I’d hate for him to feel left out then! Eddie kinda has that Matt Pinfield vibe, where the guy knows absolutely everything about music. Like a teacher or something. He takes his metal very seriously. He probably knows the names of Iron Maiden roadies from 1984. He also looks like a soccer dad. Not saying he can’t talk about metal and doesn’t know what he’s talking about, but it’s always weird hearing somebody talk about metal who looks all clean cut and like he should be teaching a gym class or something. I’m sure he’s a cool guy though, I’m just saying though. He could possibly be considered a metal expert, but he’s still not Sludge Certified. His radio show is the night before ours on XM Radio’s "The Boneyard" so I shouldn’t bust his balls too much since he’s in our "extended XM Radio family" now.
Eddie does say that from bad things sometimes good things happen, and by Ace being shocked it lead him to sing his first song, "Shock Me." Dude, Ace singing is never a good thing for anybody….ever. Just goes to show you how bad Ace getting shocked really was!
94 – The Good, The Rag, The Ugly
This is about the lead singer chick from L7 throwing a used tampon at the crowd. The best part of this is that they played "I Saw Red" while they were showing clips from it.
93 – Slash & Carry
This is about Slash drinking and having a bodyguard to carry him home. A booze roadie. Actually sounds like a good idea to me. Somebody needs to hook up Vince Neil and Jani Lane with a booze roadie.
92 – My Lil’ Bodyguards
This is about Dave having midget bodyguards. I know the politically correct term is "little person" but I feel like that’s misleading. If I say Dave was with a little person, you could think I was talking about Russ Parrish, since you don’t know! So I’m sticking with midget just to clarify things.
You know, I actually saw Dave in person back in the day with the midget bodyguards. It was pretty kick ass. They showed clips from the "Little Ain’t Enough" video which I don’t think I’ve seen since like 1991. Cool. Those clips from his Mojo Dojo video are great and scary at the same time. Somebody get me the drugs he was on. Mini Kiss comments on this too since they’re, well, little rockers as well.
Doug Benson, the marijuana goof, is just annoying. We’re only on 92 and I want to beat him in the head with a coffee can. I don’t know why a coffee can but it just popped into my head.
91 – Metal God Squad
This is about Stryper! They show an old interview with Stryper and singer Michael Sweet says, "We rock ‘n’ roll but we’re Christian guys. We do not sing about drugs, sex out of marriage, bondage, S&M, murder, death, Satan, we’re against all that." Which is probably why I didn’t own any Stryper records! Next.
90 – Fish No More
Wow, this is kinda stretching it. It’s about the fish at the end of the "Epic" video flopping around. I didn’t realize this was a metal moment.
Speaking of metal moments, I saw this on Jizzy Pearl’s message board the other day talking about a few things and he mentioned this:
speaking of metal moments, I don’t want to be a whiner but I DID HANG ON THE HOLLYWOOD SIGN—does that not count for something?
I have to agree with Jizzy. He’s not anywhere in the Top 100 so he got the shaft. Hanging on the Hollywood Sign is definitely more metal than this fish. Jizzy got denied by a fish!