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Retro Reviews

Welcome to Metal Sludge’s Retro Reviews! This is where we’ll review old school CDs that you can probably find in a used CD bin for 99 cents or maybe collecting dust under your bed. A lot of the younger Sludgeaholics might not be familiar with some of these bands, so we’ll be bringing them up to speed and letting them know what’s worth listening too. Some of these bands are still around today while some of them were played out 5 seconds after their CD came out. A few of these guys went on to form other bands and some went on to work the drive-thru at Wendy’s. We’ll also include CD reviews from a few celebrities every now and then, so please pay attention.The RatingsThe Cover This is the first thing you see in a record store. Does the cover makes your nuts dance? Does it part your butt hair? Does it make sense? Does it relate to the CD title? That’s what we’ll let you know.1 = Generic as fuck. Probably looks like a computer printout.2 = This sucks. Who’s kidding who?3 = Unoriginal and boring.4 = Not quite average, but a little bit of thought went into it. A little.5 = Since this is 5, that means it’s average stupid ass. What else would a 5 out of 10 mean?6 = Decent.7 = This is cool. It’s thought out and makes sense.8 = This looks really good and professional.9 = Almost perfect!10 = A perfect cover. Probably contains nudity or something vulgar. We enjoy that shit. This is rare though.The BookletIs their lyrics? Photos? Credits? Is it easy to read? Is there cool shit to look at? Here is how we’ll rate the booklets.1 = A one page panel or something probably made by Perris Records.2 = Probably some cheap, black & white crap not worth pissing on.3 = The typical booklet a local band would do.4 = Almost average, but not quite. 5 = Typical shit with lyrics, thanks, and maybe a photo.6 = A bit above average, nothing too exciting, but not bad.7 = Better than 6!8 = Not as good as 9!9 = A high quality booklet worth some money and thought put into it.10 = A totally devestating booklet the probably features profanity, nudity, or all sorts of colorful shit. Well worth the price of the CD just to see. A Metal Sludge mention also gets an automatic 10.The SongsProbably the most important part of a CD, don’t you think?1 = You’d rather have Mike Tyson punch you in the genitals repeatedly than listen to this piece of shit.2 = If you were to try and sell this to a used CD store, they’d slap the lips off your face, belly-to-belly suplex you through 2 flaming tables covered in thumbtacks, twist both your nipples counter clockwise, and then give you a flying reverse upside down DDT into a barrel of broken glass.3 = This is a CD you’ll hide from your friends so they don’t see it in your CD collection.4 = Not worth buying, but if you can steal it, what the hell.  Use it for a beer coaster when you’re done listening to it.5 = After a week of listening to this, you’ll get bored with it and move on.6 = Good enough to listen to for a few weeks to a month. 7 = This is cool.8 = The bomb diggity!9 = You’ll probably play this again and again like a retard until your friends get really sick and tired of listening to it and break your CD player. 10 = These albums will blow your face off and you?ll end up looking like Sloth from the Goonies.  Nuff said. CDs reviewed are listed below.

EYES “Eyes” (1990)

  EYES "Eyes" (1990) By Donna Anderson Cover: 4 Eyes out of 10. It’s definitely one of those odd covers, let’s see if I can explain it. It’s a picture of someone (can’t really tell if it’s a guy or ...

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E-Z-O “E-Z-O” (1988)

  E-Z-O "E-Z-O" (1988) by Freelance Writer Mick Stingley Cover: 4 Japanese Tourists out of 10. Slick, glossy black photo of two black leather. gloved hands forming a point with the index fingers. It just says, E Z O across ...

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GORKY PARK “S/T” (1989)

  GORKY PARK "S/T" (1989) by Dana Brittingham Cover: 9 Cosmonauts out of 10 Practically a stroke of marketing genius, there’s no way to mistake this cover as anything but that of "that 80′s Russian hard rock band." It looks ...

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JODI BONGIOVI “Jodi Bongiovi” (1989)

  JODI BONGIOVI "Jodi Bongiovi" (1989) by Dana Brittingham Cover: 2 Mallrats out of 10. It’s an airbrushed picture of Jodi Bongiovi, wearing a fringey-leather jacket with her hands up in the air, like she’s getting arrested for underage drinking ...

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